It’s the season finale, y’all! And once again we begin the Real Housewives of Dallas with talk of poop. Stephanie is the Queen pooper scooper and King Travis wants it all picked up from the backyard in time for the Byron Nelson PGA Golf Tournament. They are inviting 300 – 400 guests for an all-day drinking party and nobody wants to step in poop. And for once it’s not a charity event, but if you strip naked and run around you won’t be invited back no matter how much Travis wants to. Stephanie informs Travis she has invited LeeAnne to the party – enter the climactic ending.
At the gym, LeeAnne and Tiffany are working out. Tiffany is excited because she and Aaron are going to look at a house that’s for sale. Since the House of Blues gig, Aaron is getting more work and beginning to like Dallas. LeeAnne excited as well because if Tiffany leaves she will be stuck with Marie.
Over at Cary and Mark’s house, Mark says something insulting about her having the gay friends over because the Grey Goose is nearly gone. They are talking about the Zurich trip and Cary can’t wait to “summer” there because that’s how pretentious people talk. She also wants to get away from the drama – however she will learn where ever she goes – there is drama.
Back at the gym, LeeAnne confesses to Tiffany she’s not looking forward to “the Byron” because she hasn’t forgiven herself for her bad behavior in Austin. Tiffany is not looking forward to seeing Marie the manipulator at the party and LeeAnne doesn’t want to see Cary the pot-stirrer. Tiffany has the brilliant idea to skip the party, but LeeAnne says you can’t get out of the Bravo contract hide because that’s viewed as guilt.
Back with Mark and Cary, she doesn’t want to go to “the Byron” either. She shares with her husband how Austin was a bummer because “she doesn’t like it when people are ugly.” Mark says, “It doesn’t matter.” But what he’s really thinking about is the missed opportunity to market his business. He can fix ugly. Stupid, not so much. But Cary is upset rumors are being spread by LeeAnne that she is a homewrecker. Cary doesn’t want Mark to go to “the Byron.” Mark could care less and is more interested in looking at photos of homes they can’t afford in Switzerland.
Onto Brandi and her clan. They are cleaning up, what else, bunny poop. But the good news is she and Bryan have gotten their marriage back on track after a few rough months of living with loneliness, meeting her grandfather, and helping her brother through his PTSD. The family celebrates their new found happiness by going bowling. Bryan wants to have a 4th of July “I’m sorry” party to make up for how he wasn’t at the last family party. Brandi wants her girls to marry a man just like the one Bryan wants to be…someday…when he’s not working 24/7.
House-hunting we go! The home is very modern and priced at $675K so Tiffany wears her thigh-high boots to help persuade Aaron this is the house for them. Aaron doesn’t like the construction going on next door, the fact that there’s no recording studio, or how far it will be from Nashville. Just as Tiffany’s about to break into tears, we learn than Aaron is just teasing and ready to put down roots in Dallas. What a knee-slapper!
Brandi is over at Stephanie’s house to help pick up the poop because that’s what they do. In between poop patrol, they discuss the weird dichotomy between LeeAnne, Tiffany and Marie. Brandi’s plan is to stay far away from all of them at the party and Stephanie is on board with that plan.
Across town, LeeAnne and Rich discuss their plans for the day. LeeAnne says she is considering a career in public speaking. Rich is just happy to hear she might be have a paying job. LeeAnne says she is embarrassed by her inner-anger that needs to be buried in box with flowers on top. So she meets with public relations experts to discuss helping others through her carny past. LeeAnne wants to help, inspire, motivate, and write her memoirs, “Design to Shine” which sounds like a book on home decorating.
Everyone around the conference table is like a bobble-head toy because they just nod and smile at LeeAnne. One brave soul at the table says, “It sounds like you’re still going through the healing process.” LeeAnne says that with each speech she heals more and is a victor who will fart rainbows into the audience. They tell LeeAnne she can earn anywhere from $1,000 to $50,000 per speech, depending on the number of farts, I guess.
It’s almost party time and Travis is interrogating Stephanie about the day’s events. Guard gate? Check. Vans? Check. Deserts? Check minus – Travis isn’t excited about pudding. Booze? Check. Bartenders? Check. Music? Check. Poop? Check and double-check.
Now it’s party time! All the ladies arrive, so let the drinking begin. LeeAnne sees Marie and hugs her like they are long-lost sisters who don’t trust each other. In the bathroom, Stephanie and Cary discuss the home wrecking rumors. The tension is building. Cary says that you can’t be a bully and a victim at the same time and thinks Tiffany is LeeAnne’s lap dog.
The girls are taking Tequila shots and laughing, and this bothers Tiffany and LeeAnne. They pull Marie aside to question her yet again about who told the poop-in-a-bag story. Cary decides it’s her turn to have a go at LeeAnne, so tells the others to scram, and things get nasty. LeeAnne tells Cary that, “Something in you literally doesn’t [effing] like me and I’m okay with that.” Cary says, “One minute you play the victim with your story.” This rifles LeeAnne’s feathers. She yells, “My story is not a story. It’s something I lived through. Don’t demean it!”
Duh, Cary! Stories begin with, once upon a time and end with, and they lived happily ever after. Cleary that hasn’t happened to LeeAnne. LeeAnne gets up and walks away after telling Cary she “doesn’t like the evil inside” her. Tiffany then takes LeeAnne aside and assures her everyone is just jealous. At that’s the end of season one of The Real Housewives of Dallas. Here are the updates:
Tiffany – She and Aaron lost the house to a higher bidder. They were heartbroken. Aaron is writing a song about it for his 2nd album. (At least it’s not a song about his pickup truck.)
Cary – She and Mark summered in Switzerland. She perfected scorpion pose on a romantic jaunt to Italy. Mark now wants homes in both countries. (For the shopping, no doubt.)
Stephanie – Travis promised to work on his communication. He no longer leaves lists. Instead he leaves notes for sexual favors. (She is determined to earn that $2 million ring.)
LeeAnne – Has entered counseling for anger management. Rich has still not proposed…which really pisses her off. (No word if she’s fired her make-up artist.)
Brandi – On their anniversary, Brandi and Bryan renewed their vows. She kept the fart jokes to a minimum. If it doesn’t stick, she plans to marry Stephanie. (Though she will be rejected.)
Tune in next week for the reunion show, Sunday, June 19, at 9:00pm ET on Bravo. In the meantime, tell us what you think. Who was the most compelling housewife? Who should get the ax? Will you tune in if there’s a season two?
I am so lucky to combine blogging with my guilty pleasure of watching reality TV. I read all the comments and respond to most. Feel free to reach out to me. If you like fiction, I have two published novels: Three Days in Purgatory and A Reason to Run.