Welcome, Southern Charmers! This week kicks off with Craig Conover and his checked blazer meeting up with his former boss, Akim. Last season, Akim got fed up with Craig’s truant ways, bad attitude, and lack of a law license and fired his partying ass. Now Craig is back, trying to finagle his way into Akim’s good graces. It seems the bourbon business is not for Craig after all. He’s tired of working for JD and wants to put his massive brain to good use. Working in the hospitality trade isn’t mentally stimulating. I hate to type this, but Craig’s intellectual abilities aren’t as impressive as he seems to think they are. Akim wants to know just one thing: has Craig passed his bar exam? Craig admits that nope, he hasn’t even taken the bar yet. But he’s gonna, just you wait! Akim thinks Craig is full of bull and excuses. He isn’t buying this #NewCraig persona any more than we are.
Shep Rose has a very awkward dinner with his part-time lady love, Bailey. It seems she’s tired of being one of a harem and wants commitment. Shep thinks commitment is for losers. He admits that women break up with him all the time because of it. But that’s okay. He’s going to keep it casual for as long as he can.
Cameran Eubanks stops by her mom’s place for a disgusting concoction of brandy and Benedictine. She admits that she is terrified of having children. Her mother comforts her, telling her that kids aren’t for everyone. But Cameran’s invisible husband, Jason, wants to become an invisible dad. If it weren’t for him, she’d feel more confident in her decision.
Later, at the restored, historic home Cameran is listing, Shep arrives to help her meet with a potential client. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know even the most basic facts about the house. Cameran isn’t impressed with Shep’s work ethic. He’s used getting “mailbox money” meaning he sits around in his boxers, eating cereal, while the postal carrier arrives with a trust fund check. Nice work if you can get it, Shep.
Over at Kathryn Dennis’s place, she and Thomas Ravenel arrive home with baby St. Julien—simply called Julien. Big sister, Kensie, couldn’t be less interested. Thomas left Kathryn in the good hands of Nanny Dawn and headed out to a boys’ night with Shep and JD, who provided Cuban cigars in honor of little Julien.
When Thomas gets to the bar, he starts slamming booze like it’s water and he’s just run a marathon. JD slyly asks if the baby looks like a Ravenel. Thomas shows a picture of Julien’s baby peepee and declares that he has a set of Ravenel balls. Oh, and by the way, he’s not going to mutilate his son by getting him circumcised. Shep reminds Thomas that the high school boys’ locker room can be a very cruel place. He likes his own circumcised penis very much, thank you.
Later, Shep and Whitney Sudler-Smith meet for a lunch of lamb sandwiches. Shep isn’t sure what a lamb is. Good thing that boy has a trust fund, isn’t it? When he tells Whitney that Bailey broke up with him, Whitney tries counsel Shep into the ways of manhood by telling him to hang up his schlong and settle down already. Shep is all, “Don’t be an idiot.” Sorry, Bailey. Shep may miss you, but not enough to commit his little Shep to just one woman.
Back at Kathryn’s, she’s settling in with the baby. While Kensie chews on the breast pump, Kathryn nurses and talks about how she hopes this baby will cement her relationship with Thomas forever. She’s so happy right now. She really sees a future for the two of them. Oh, Kathryn. You deluded fool. I almost pity you. Almost.
Over at Landon Clements’ house, she’s putting together a proposal for her travel website. She wants to impress money man, Lockheart, when he gets to Charleston. Shep drops by with a bottle of wine. He tells her his heartbreaking news: Bailey kicked him to the curb. Landon gives her best Bridget Jones’ smile and tells Shep that she’s in love with him, has been for years. Shep wears a sickened grin, claiming he had no knowledge of her feelings. Landon comes back with, “Uh huh. Did too.” Shep hightails it to the door, sweating bullets all the way. Landon is sad. She’s finally let Shep know how she really feels, but he didn’t reciprocate. Oh, well, she has this innovative new travel website to keep her busy.
When Landon trots off to her meet-and-greet afternoon with Lockheart, she wears evening attire in the form of a sheer black blouse and a black leather skirt. Is she going out after and can’t bother to go home and change? Anyway, she proudly shows Lockheart the work she’s been doing—on paper. There’s no website. Nothing that looks like the prototype he asked for. Lockheart tells her that if she were in New York, the money men would laugh her out of the room. He wanted to see a real website, not pictures pasted onto pages of text. There’s nothing he can do for her. He won’t introduce her to investors as she has nothing to show them. She walks away with a polite, but defeated, goodbye.
Thomas stops by Kathryn’s house to see the kids. The baby is asleep and T-Rav jokingly—I think—asks if she’s ready for baby number three. She’s ready for a ring and a little commitment. Thomas isn’t opposed, as long as things remain calm between him and Kathryn. This is the nuclear family he’d always envisioned. He just wishes Jen, friend of the Charmed Ones, would stay out of his business. Sure, she may have been the only pal in Kathryn’s life, but she needs to go. Kathryn is willing to sever ties if it means she’ll have Thomas and that Ravenel name.
At Patricia Altschul’s Home of a Thousand Caftans, she holds a men’s only dinner party in honor of Thomas and his big-balled baby. Naturally she hires a chef, because her butler might make a mean martini, but he doesn’t cook. Once Thomas, JD, Craig, Whitney, Shep and Tommy (Charleston royalty) are all sitting in her overcrowded drawing room, Michael the Butler arrives to announce dinner. Patty has littered the table with candy pigs to remind the boys that they’re male chauvinists. Okay then. Tommy discusses the upcoming Founder’s Ball, calling it a bullshit event that Cooper invented.
Over beef stroganoff, Patricia asks how Craig likes working for JD. Um, not that much. And JD thinks Craig needs a babysitter. Then she quizzes Shep about his love life. Once again, he tells the sad story of his recent dumping by Bailey and says Landon is in love with him. He’s not sure why. They only hooked up that one time and she cut him loose. Way to play it close to the vest, buddy.
Over after-dinner drinks, talk turns to paternity tests. Yes, Thomas has had one performed on Julien and that results were inconclusive. Oh boy, this is starting to feel like an upscale Maury Povich show. Patricia says Kathryn is a big, fat, ginger liar. Craig, once Kathryn’s staunchest defender, now says she was dating someone else at the time of conception. He tells T-Rav not to be so trusting. He secretly doubts the baby carries the Ravenel genes.
Next week looks like the big showdown at Thomas’s dinner party. And I can’t wait!
So what do you think? Why is Thomas claiming baby Julien as his own? Will Shep ever settle on one woman? Is Whitney really the best person to give advice? And how lame was Landon’s presentation?