RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — LeeAnne Locken Goes After Marie Reyes Over Poop Allegation [Season 1, Episode 9]

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve really been looking forward to this episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas. Road trip! The girls are going to Austin to celebrate Stephanie, Cary, and LeeAnne’s birthdays. And as a bonus for us viewers, we learn there are two different kinds of killing. Let’s get these birthday parties stated!

The first night in Austin, the ladies will have a private chef cook for them and the second night they will dine at the Four Seasons. As they board the limo bus, two others are included besides the unusual subjects. Marie and Courtney are joining in for the disaster fun. Pop the corks because it’s never too early to drink. Typically when they going to Austin, Brandi and Stephanie take turns getting “two-sheets” to the wind. Last time it was Stephanie’s turn, so guess whose turn it is to get stinking drunk this time? Trick question: they all are!

Brandi has to pee, but don’t pull over Mr. Limo Bus Driver. Besides being a talented Cowboys cheerleader, Brandi can also pee into a Solo cup. I’m sure that was also part of her Bravo audition tape. But when Brandi overhears LeeAnne say, “That’s disgusting,” Brandi fires back with, “It’s better than sh**ting in the back of a car. In a bag.” Really? Leave it to Brandi to bring up her favorite topic of poop. LeeAnne wants to know who tattled on her, and Brandi wastes no time throwing Marie under the limo bus. Marie denies this, but there’s no denying the flashback that’s shown.

The girls finally arrive at the lake house. It’s a sophisticated, large rustic home built by Travis and Bryan because they have a bromance just like Stephanie and Brandi. There’s a pool and LeeAnne is the first to go out and sulk by it. In a talking head, LeeAnne explains what happened to prompt her pooping into a bag. Have you ever wanted to be extra skinny on your birthday and fit into an amazing dress and thought, “Hey, why not overdose on Ex-lax and alcohol?” No? Me neither, but this happened to LeeAnne. And believe it or not, this episode of RHOD was brought to you by Poise undergarments.

The chefs have arrived, but the drinking continues. Brandi and LeeAnne are actually getting along. Brandi tearfully shares with Tiffany and LeeAnne that her brother had to go back into the hospital yesterday and thanks Tiffany for Aaron’s song dedication at their charity event. LeeAnne can relate because Rich has PTSD, too, and so Brandi is not alone. But enough of that sad stuff, bring on the fireballs!

Over dinner, they discuss who they would invite to dinner, living or dead. Here’s some of the suggestions: Bono, Jesus (and his juice), Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep’s character in Sophie’s Choice, and Mother Teresa. These women are deep. LeeAnne takes the moment to make it about herself and why she’s stand-offish. Cary finds something to bond over with LeeAnne because she too is slow to warm up to others (unless they’re married men). Cary says that perhaps LeeAnne has judged her based on this and LeeAnne is like, “Oh no you di’ent. I don’t judge or hate.” Cary says, duly noted, forget I tried.

Brandi is sooo drunk. How drunk is she? She’s so drunk she can’t open a bottle of Jesus juice. But she can do a back roll on the dining table, break a wine glass, and fall out of her chair. Girl is talented.

During the night, even though Brandi was passed out in a drunken stupor, she was awakened by the roaring of LeeAnne’s voice. The following morning, hiding in a bedroom, Brandi, Cary, Courtney and Stephanie are huddled, discussing how LeeAnne threatened to slaughter Marie carny-style for spilling the tea on her pooping event.

On the other side of the house, Tiffany recommends that LeeAnne talk it out with Marie. But that’s not what happens. LeeAnne stomps into the kitchen, brimming with anger after being betrayed, and firmly says to Marie, “I’m agitated when someone I’ve done so much for continues to create hell for me.” Marie continues to deny she started this rumor, though we know she did, and brings up a good point to LeeAnne. “You threatened to freaking kill me.” And LeeAnne’s response is priceless. “Marie, what you think is killing and what I think are killing are two different things.”

Back in the bedroom, the other girls are trying to figure out what to do. They go into the kitchen and Cary and Stephanie jump in to say how horrible and abusive LeeAnne was to Marie. Especially for someone who doesn’t judge or hate. LeeAnne says Cary needs to butt out, this is between her and Marie. And Marie really doesn’t want the ladies help, for some reason. She wants this to all magically go away. By the way, the word “kill” is slang for bye, bitch. And bye, bitch, is slang for I’m done with you. According to LeeAnne.

LeeAnne is outside calling for a cab, blaming Cary for this accelerated messiness. LeeAnne doesn’t understand why it’s so wrong to say she’d kill a friend, but it’s okay for Cary to steal a happily married husband. Life is so unfair. Tiffany tells LeeAnne she’s not leaving her with these crazy bitches. Brandi strolls into LeeAnne’s room to tell her they are going to the Four Seasons. LeeAnne shuts the door and explains that she had no voice as a child. Brandi convinces LeeAnne to stay. On we go to spa day.

Some of the ladies enjoy massages and facials. Cary has a good point about this whole $hit storm, and that is, “Who gives a $hit?” Brandi and Stephanie love this kind of humor, why is LeeAnne making a mountain out of dog pile? But Marie and LeeAnne stay back in the hotel room and talk it over. Then they hug it out, but you know these women, it’s not really over.

It’s time for the birthday dinner, y’all! The hopes are that no one gets killed tonight, either kind. They sit the birthday girls together, LeeAnne, Cary, and Stephanie, and no one looks happy. LeeAnne hardly speaks a word until she gets a text from a charity because their MC cancelled at the last minute. Cary asks if they can put their phones away because she feels that LeeAnne doesn’t want to be there at all. Duh! Cary don’t talk to LeeAnne anymore, please. And now here comes Tiffany in defense mode about how poor LeeAnne gets attacked all the time.

Brandi is sick of Tiffany and Marie enabling LeeAnne. Tiffany is trying to explain that she doesn’t always justify LeeAnne’s behavior, but feels she needs to dumb it down for these bitches so they can understand that LeeAnne is Miss Understood. When Brandi interjects, Tiffany tells her to STHU. Brandi excuses herself from the table because Tiffany is stupid. Stephanie gets up to leave, too, but before she does, tells Tiffany she’s full of $hit and not to bring her $hit into her house.

Brandi is exhausted and hungover and tired of trying to deal with LeeAnne, but comes back to the table anyway. She and Stephanie don’t like how Stepford Marie and Enabling Tiffany sweep everything under the rug when it comes to LeeAnne, almost like they are afraid of her. So, Happy Birthday! Let’s toast some Jesus juice to the worst birthday party ever.

Tune in next week for the Season Finale of RHOD! Whoop it up! We made it!

 

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