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RECAP: ‘Sister Wives’ The Blessed Brown Baby Is Born! [Season 7, Episode 5]

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

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All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

It’s a sacred two hours on this week’s Sister Wives, as the family awaits the blessed arrival of “baby sister.” Kody is perplexed, because he and Robyn are suffering an emotional disconnection, and he has never performed as simply a sperm donor to this particular wife. Robyn hasn’t needed his support, which Kody finds strangely familiar.

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We relive Kody and Robyn’s greatest contentious hits, as Robyn shares about feeling “off” and nervous about the pregnancy. Kody isn’t a fan of worrying, but Robyn’s intuition is so keen, that he decides to be terrified. Haunting TLC music adds to the curious psychic concern over Eri-May’s exit strategy. The couple visits April the midwife, who confirms that the babe is safely jaw down. We flash back through hospital births, home births, and memories of the bajillion Brown pregnancies.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

We see some cute baby video, and the umpteenth rehash of Meri’s struggle to spit out Kody-clones. We get a dose of TMI info and learn that Meri nursed a semi-starving baby Maddie, when she wasn’t gaining weight. Hopefully, Maddie will acknowledge her wet nurse at the wedding—or share the charming anecdote during her honeymoon. We run through more births, baby problems and sisterly solutions from Plural-Land. Kody was busy spreading his seed all over the place, proudly producing spawn after spawn.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

We shift gears to join Aspyn being tortured by Truely, as Robyn shares that she has only had home births. Christine notes that buttinski paternity questions make hospitalized cult-breeders skittish, and TLC illustrates, with a graphic shot of Christine, spread eagle in stirrups. The whole hospital staff knew that Truely was one of a messy litter, but typically harems have to stagger their hospital stampedes.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

The women discuss the weirdness of exposing their privates to the TLC cameras, as we revisit Sol’s birth. Robyn doesn’t like the TLC viewers being part of her birth experience, but is quite fond of the TLC check that she uses as a focal point. Robyn asks Mare how feels to be a sterile flunky, and Meri becomes emotional. Meri wishes that she could have experienced pregnancy and labor more, especially because her one success can’t stand the sight of her. Janelle can’t wait to have fifty grandkids, and welcomes Mare to join in, especially if she provides her wet bar as a changing table. Christine thinks a herd of blonde curly-tops will be super awesome.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

Janelle and the lady clanswomen have gathered to gasp at Madison’s first wedding dress fitting. Madison agreed to an outdoor wedding, so Caleb wouldn’t revolt, and show up in a hunting vest. Janelle’s mom gets emotional at Maddie in her dress, and the uncustomary facial cracking and eye leakage shocks Janelle.   

We join Robyn and Christine, who are decorating Aspyn’s room, in Robyn’s home. Christine has knocked lovesick Mare out of the saddle, and is now Robyn’s trusted bestie. The duo loves busting Kody together, and the rascally smackdowns have brought the ladies much joy. Aspyn is a big fan of sisterhood, and leading an UNLV sorority satisfies that yearning, without existing in a horrifying fake marriage. The besties are happy that Mare and Janelle are in therapy, and out of their hair. Christine is thrilled that Aspyn is moving in with Robyn, and not into Mare’s seedy love-mansion. The pair ties cheap party decorations around her room, as we again get a mega close-up of Christine’s flowered thighs. The room looks like the dollar store blew up in it, but Aspyn is a good sport, and a humble winner.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

It’s the day after Christmas, and the older girls are teaching the younger ones to make a traditional post-holiday breakfast. Eri-May wants out, and Robyn’s intuition is sick of the questions and demands. The clan gathers to eat, and Gwen’s headwear steals the weirdo spotlight, in a mission accomplished attention-grab. Kody calls for silence, and the kids look up, roll their eyes, and ignore him. Kody becomes flustered, as the kids murmur to each other, dissing their lame dad and his dumb demands.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

Robyn soothes Kody’s nerves, as Mare’s green glittery top clings to her new daughter, Breanna. Kody’s countenance gets “scary” which is later interpreted as stupid. Caleb appears nervous about being dragged into the inner circle of Kody’s ego. Kody announces a spring break Hawaii trip, which makes me want to kick TLC in the budget. The kids are expectedly excited, and Caleb is happy that co-signing Kody’s ego has paid off.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

Mariah agrees to forget “Sam” long enough to stomach her mother and her white stitched, denim tankini. Meri giggles nervously, at silly Mariah’s disgruntled standards. Robyn knocks Gwen out of the way, and grabs back camera focus, noting her intuitively intense contractions. Kody’s tax deduction comes and goes, but now Robyn’s psychic sense tells her that today’s the day. Kody notes that he needs to stay attentive and not offended at Robyn’s chronic bitchery. Kody hovers over her, proudly claiming the title of “Enforcer” for whatever the bitch needs.

The immediate family gathers in the bedroom for the crotch fireworks, as Truely babbles out her random thoughts. The hardcore labor has begun, and Janelle gives Kody a shoutout for his extreme skill at being present for births. The women gush over Kody’s badass awareness, but cite his confusion when required to distinguish penises from cords. Robyn feels that something is alarmingly different, and Kody kicks in as Enforcer—ordering the birthing bed to be prepped for the bloodbath.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

Robyn’s vulnerable state has washed away all feelings of emotional detachment, much to Kody’s delight. He orders no knee-locking, to avoid brain damage, and I can feel April rolling her eyes. Kody whips out his stellar coaching skills, and advises his wife to just tell herself that she is not pregnant. Kody gives us play by play commentary, noting the importance of a fetal heartbeat. Kody grunts out the correct way to labor, in a mini tutorial, as Robyn’s dad snarks from the viewing gallery. Robyn’s distressed mother provides a pillar of confident support, as she huddles on the floor, shifting between praying and grimacing. Robyn grunts, and Kody coaches her to relax her problem jaw.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

We dart around the homes, where all of the family, except a snoozing Janelle, anxiously awaits word. Big sisters Aurora and Breanna sit outside the door, excited to hear the first cry, and Dayton seems worried. Robyn’s fluid bag explodes in stereo, and almost splatters the camera lens. Dr. Kody is annoyed that Robyn is crapping out in the oxygen department, and demands improvement. TLC ups the dramatic music, as Kody describes the scene like Robyn is the first mistress turned legal to ever give birth.

The TLC camera gets a little too crotch happy, and I begin watching through split fingers. Robyn pushes out baby’s lookalike jaw, so the hard work is likely over. Not so fast, because April is “deep in there” and it takes a few more pushes before the whopper baby girl slips out. The closest  family floods in, and it is a sweet moment. Robyn notes that her crack intuition was correct—because that labor was damn horrible. Robyn thinks that there were angels from who-knows-what planet hovering over her. The family is excited to hear the news, and Gwen chimes in that another attention hog is officially in the mix. The babe broke her collarbone being shoved through the barely covered bottle neck, but is healthy. Janelle even drags herself out of bed, to go see the new addition to the clan. The family floods in and takes turn pawing her, as we see Truely’s grubby fingers graze the newborn’s mouth. The baby girl is super aware—and wants back into the womb, stat.

All About the Tea Recap Photos_Sister Wives Season 7

The college kids arrive a week later, to meet the new addition. Mare reminds us that she and Mariah need to “figure out” things, and she doesn’t mean discussing how to pick the best bananas. Janelle reminds the audience that their family is tiny, next to the typical cult. They discuss Logan and his girlfriend’s plans to shack up, and their newly adopted cleanliness standards. Hunter loves having a new baby around, especially because he doesn’t live there anymore. The baby’s name is pronounced Ariella Mae—Aria, or my version,  Ari-May, for short.

Thank goodness that’s over—because next week we get back to the good stuff, with Meri dealing with an unforgiving catfish fallout casualty. Her truth cannon daughter, Mariah.

 

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