RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Bethenny Goes Berserk In The Berkshires [Season 8, Episode 9]

The Real Housewives of New York begins right where we left off, with Bethenny and Luann disagreeing about Luann’s midwife influence on the birth of Skinnygirl. Luann brushes it off, and expresses pride in Bethenny, casually asking about any potential love interests. Bethenny shifts seats, and begins to chatter about Luann to Ramona — who is sitting next to Luann. Luann asks her what her rather loud problem is, and Bethenny takes a breath and unleashes her fire-breathing wrath. Luann tells her to bring on the crazy, as Bethenny’s droopy-eyed cheerleader Carole shuffles into the house.

Bethenny bleats out that Luann put the moves on Ramona’s boyfriend, and Ramona agrees, insisting that Luann should have submitted a written request to date Tom. Ramona accuses Luann of shadily enticing Tom to the dark side. Carole interjects herself into the drama, wishing her snoozy RSVP didn’t include the manly boyfriend thief Luann.

Dorinda is annoyed that someone who is barely awake is causing more problems. Bethenny shudders at the idea of allowing Luann to own a hairstyle first — by seven seasons. Bethenny finally blows, incensed that she didn’t get full credit for the invention of the Lu-do. Girls that don’t party till dawn and keep their panties on, should get full credit for an ordinary layered bob. Bethenny squints in fiery passion, and Luann isn’t having it — noting that a good roll in the hay would do any skinny screamer good. Luann stays cool as a cucumber, and admits to dating and having fun. She calmly asks what is stuck up Bethenny’s skinny butt, and points out that she thought that they were friends. Bethenny throws out accusations, nastily calling Luann a cheap whore. Bethenny then ups her game, stands up and goes gangsta—rapping and motioning out her vicious judgement like her mogul parallel — P. Diddy. Luann informs her that she has pitch issues, and to try again next season.

Bethenny takes another breath, and blows her nasally airhorn, calling Luann a slut, liar, and hypocrite. Bethenny storms out, and her bellows shake the foundation of the house. Carole wonders why Luann was invited, even though Bethenny’s rant is splintering her thoughts like an ice pick. Bethenny continues to judge behavior that has NOTHING to do with her, and Luann responds by informing her that she plans to trademark her hairstyle.

Bethenny brags to her drowsy cheerleader about her tirade, and retreats to her Skinnygirl red bedroom. Jules shares her worry to Luann about her father’s grave condition, and tries to give Luann a dose of healthy perspective. Luann insensitively ignores Jules, and makes being called a slut more relevant than facing the serious illness of a parent. Dorinda joins them, and Luann relays the nastiness, disappointed that Dorinda didn’t step in, and back it up. Dorinda comments that she is overworked, and not up to it. Bethenny rambles on and on about her hair — then finally admits that it does look like a bit like Luann’s.

The gals gather in the red room — a cheap nod to Beth’s biz. They all jabber about Dorinda’s horrifying parties, as Luann ambles in, obviously discouraged. Ramona leads her out to talk privately, and they begin to chat in the kitchen. Luann wonders why she came, because good-time-Lu doesn’t think that being called a trampy trollop is much fun. She thought that the weekend was about Dorinda’s birthday — and she never even got any cake. Luann banters about a cake sitting on a non-birthday oriented counter, as Ramona dissolves into giggles. Luann keeps the standup act going, snarking on Bethenny, who overhears, and hotfoots it up the stairs. Ramona thinks Luann’s act is hilarious, but Dorinda busts in and rants about the audacity of comedic houseguests who dare tease about the solemn symbol of a birthday cake.

Dorinda launches into a rant about the whole lousy gang, who refuses to appreciate cooking or enormous stuffed Santas. She notes that even ditching Sonja couldn’t save the event, and tells them all to get lost. Jules thinks an icy swim would be just the ticket, and Ramona thinks that a rousing game of limb bending Twister would calm everyone down. Ramona really just wishes that the dirty slut  would just shut her darn mouth. Luann takes a moment to plug her single “Chic C’est La Vie” and hopes that “c’est bon” will come, if she just admits that she’s a hypocritical whore, and moves on. The women decide to open gifts, and color the activity with tacky Asian references. Bethenny isn’t happy with her behavior, but cites her astute strategy to label another woman a man-thieving slut, whenever her business is threatened. Ramona’s dog craps all over the place — an appropriate illustration to Bethenny’s verbal diarrhea.

We shift gears, and join Sonja who is having her vagina resurfaced. The doc has only been reviving down yonder for a few months, and Sonja tortures the rookie by describing her sexual escapades. We sit through the filler medical scene, and it is a super random contrast to the bloodbath in the  Berkshires. 

We rejoin the ladies, where Bravo rewinds all of Luann and Bethenny’s past tiffs. Bethenny assures us that she actually does like the lying, slutty, hypocrite. Carole continues to interject herself into the Luann drama, hoping that Bethenny will give her a pat on the head. Carole labels Luann the problem — while Luann quietly apologizes to Dorinda and Bethenny broods. Ramona offers her 10th apology to Dorinda in nine episodes.  Luann and Ramona chat about her issues with Carole, as Carole eavesdrops like a child. The pair works up an apology shtick, which includes rescinding a herb-throwing pedophile crack. Jules scampers back to Carole, and reports that the slut doesn’t even know how to spell “pedophile.” Jules whips out bags of snacks and plastic goblets, whispering and tittering about Luann, thru anxious mini nibbles.

Bethenny and Dorinda gossip about the smackdown, as Luann grills Ramona about what boyfriend she can seduce next. We jump between the duos and learn that John believes that she and Dorinda are meant to marry and procreate into their golden years. Ramona and Luann bicker about what she did to trigger Bethenny’s lunatic rage. Luann admits that maybe she overstepped her Skinny-claim, and Ramona helps her create her next contrived apology text. Luann laughs it off — and likely doesn’t expect any apology for being called a slut-whore. Bethenny and Carole laugh over Luann’s lame and silly efforts to mend fences. Luann knows that the snark-sisters are giggling over her texts, but she doesn’t care.

Carole comments  that being a whore is kinda hip, and Bethenny shares a TMI lesbian fantasy. One last gossip session ends the episode, where Luann explains to Dorinda that Tom wasn’t a fan of his ride on the Ramonacoaster. Luann ticks off the poor saps on her fingers, as she points out that Bethenny has skewered Sonja, John and has now targeted her. Bethenny overhears, and revs up her yapper for round two.

Break out your earplugs, because next week, Bethenny is ready to rumble — again.

 

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