RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — Brandi and LeeAnne Come Face to Face [Season 1, Episode 8]

This week on The Real Housewives of Dallas, it’s all about themes, y’all! Birthday themes. Speech theme. Lack of storyline themes. Yee-haw! Let’s get this party started. We begin with Stephanie planning her husband’s birthday party. She and Brandi are going to look at venues, but Travis wants Stephanie to take his assistant, Courtney, along because she knows what he likes best. Mmm-hmm. Maybe they’ll join Sister Wives next season.

Onto the plastic people, Mark and Cary, who are also planning a birthday party for their daughter Zuri who is turning three. Game on for who spends more money. Mark is disappointed that Cary didn’t order a chocolate cake for their daughter because it’s what he wants. I’m sure he’ll upstage Cary by spending an obscene amount of money on his daughter’s new dresses.

Over at the venue, Stephanie wants a Gatsby theme and Travis’ assistant, Courtney, who is younger, approves of said theme. However, Courtney does not approve with Brandi’s suggestion to smash cake in Travis’ face or to pre-purchase a tombstone for his gift. Stephanie isn’t sure about the guest list – should she or shouldn’t she invite LeeAnne. You know what Brandi thinks.

Speaking of LeeAnne, she is having lunch with her “safe place” boyfriend Rich. She is talking about, what else, herself, and how she will be the keynote speaker at the Grace Project for women who are HIV-positive. LeeAnne hasn’t written her speech yet, but her theme is “shame.” Ugh. Not exactly what these women need to hear about, but LeeAnne thinks she can relate due to her carny upbringing. LeeAnne can’t wait for Stephanie to see the impact she’s going to have on all these women – because it’s all about her.

It’s time for LeeAnne’s speech and she is unprepared, but don’t worry, last-minute Locken has got this. She talks about being abandoned, being molested, and being almost murdered by her ex-boyfriend and how this created labels of not feeling worthy, not feeling valued, and not feeling loved. LeeAnne tells the women that HIV is a disease and not their label. Say it with me people, I am worthy, damnit! Afterwards, Stephanie tells LeeAnne she was blown away, but will she get a Gatsby invitation? Inquiring minds don’t care are eager to learn.

Dad of the year, Travis, is teaching his boys not to fight like girls. Then he tells his boys at the dinner table he wants mommy to jump out of a cake in a bikini. Four year-old Cruz thinks they should give their daddy a poo poo cake. Travis tells the kids to go to bed. Stephanie calls Brandi and shares this with her because, of course, Brandi gets poop humor. Stephanie also shares that after seeing LeeAnne’s speech, she has decided to invite her to the Gatsby party. Brandi promises to be on her best behavior due to the massive amounts of Tequila she plans to consume. The girls make a couple of fart jokes because we can’t go through an entire episode without any, per their contract.

Afterwards, Travis and Stephanie have a sit down about his party plans because this settles the control freak in him. Stephanie tells Travis she wants to keep some of it a surprise. Travis then says he wants Stephanie to jump out of a cake, but now topless. I’m sure Travis would actually be mortified if Stephanie agreed to do this. She tells him, “I love you, but I feel like you treat me like a child.” Travis agrees to back off after declaring they are opposites, but really they act more like third cousins.

The following day Brandi calls “Loud Mouth” LeeAnne to ask her in her sweetest baby-voice to meet for lunch and clear the air before Travis’ party so they don’t act like the classless women they are and ruin the party. LeeAnne reluctantly agrees.

Over at Mark and Cary’s house, it’s time for Zuri’s party and believe it or not, the theme is kind of simple. Mark tells Zuri that the white cake was not his idea, it was her mean mommy’s idea. Zuri opens a few gifts and then doesn’t want anymore. The girl just wants to have fun with what she’s got  – a lesson they could all learn. Mark is very sad that his daughter won’t open the dozen dresses he had his personal shopper pick out. Just what every three year-old loves – clothes.

Across town, Brandi and LeeAnne meet up for some fakery at the bakery. The only reason LeeAnne is there is because Brandi’s brother tried to commit suicide. Brandi admits that her humor is silly and immature and apologizes for pushing people’s buttons. LeeAnne agrees that Brandi is a button pusher, but doesn’t offer a return apology because why would she? But LeeAnne is ready to have fun and dance with the button pusher so they hug it out.

Stephanie and Brandi go roaring 20’s dress shopping. The dress choices are very pageantry with sparkles and sequins and Brandi’s dress looks like an aqua bird died on it. Brandi recaps the one-way apology lunch with LeeAnne, and Stephanie says she better not be replaced by LeeAnne. No worries there. I’m pretty sure this “friendship” is a temporary as their eyelashes and tans.

It’s the day of Travis’ party. Brandi and Stephanie start the party early with some Jesus juice and sparklers and almost manage to set their hair on fire. Stephanie is speaking at rapid-fire pace about how heavy the cake is, and she couldn’t get in the house, and the champagne glasses, and everyone needs to have drama-free fun, and if Travis doesn’t like the party he’s an asshole. Come down from the ledge, Stephanie.

Cary, the three-time lifetime achievement award, is wearing the dress from her wedding reception that, you guessed it, Mark picked out. Cary tells Mark the last time she saw LeeAnne she was “kind of bitchy.” Mark recommends she take the high road on his way to pick out the perfect handbag for Cary from their amazing closet.

As the guests arrive, Stephanie tells everyone they look gorgeous, so therefore, no one looks gorgeous. However, Stephanie doesn’t tell Cary she looks gorgeous. And I flat out didn’t recognize Tiffany, who is dressed for a funeral. For now, everyone is getting along. It’s a miracle. But why do they have to talk about farts and poop? All. The. Time. Brandi invites the girls for a weekend in Austin to celebrate some of their birthdays. #upcoming #trainwreck. Cary doesn’t want to go to Austin with LeeAnne, but too bad, they need her there to pick on.

Later that night, Stephanie surprises Travis by popping out of a cake and singing happy birthday. Of course, getting out of a cake isn’t as graceful as it looks, but Travis doesn’t care as he drags Stephanie out caveman style. Bring on the lap dance. Stephanie declines because it wasn’t on the to-do list and only promises him a motor boat.

Tune in next week when all hell breaks loose in Austin. In the meantime, for those of you who are still watching RHOD, why isn’t this franchise clicking with viewers? And do you think RHOD will get renewed? Sound off in the comments.

 

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