When last we met on Southern Charm, the Charmed ones (sans Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis—due to their troublesome baby drama) are gathered in North Carolina, eating dinner. Not content with his steak, Craig Conover decides to skewer Whitney Sudler-Smith about his fling with Kathryn, insisting that Whitney’s intense dislike is rooted in a broken heart. Whitney nearly blows his hair plugs. How dare Craig believe Kathryn over him? And since Whitney’s protective mama, Patricia Altschul, wasn’t around, Cameran Eubanks filled the role quite nicely, insisting that Craig is out of his cotton-picking mind.
Craig is merely introducing Whitney to that old bitch, payback. See, last season when visiting Craig’s parents, Whitney implored them to get their boy in order. He tattled that Craig had been going out every night, partying hard, and not paying attention to his work. (All true, by the way, though Craig insists otherwise.)
JD tries to calm everyone down. Craig is hurting
wittle Whitney’s feelings by questioning his passionate hatred toward Kathryn. Shep Rose finally wanders into the kitchen, looking for champagne. And Danni—friend of the Charmed Ones—calls out everyone’s hypocrisy. How is it that T-Rav gets away with all this bad behavior, impregnating a girl less than half his age, yet she’s the one they’re all hating on? Huh?
Thank you, Danni. I’ve been asking the same question since the beginning of the season. Apparently, you can act like a jackass as long as you have status and money. And it really helps if you’re walking around with a penis between your legs. Craig pops into the kitchen. Shep tells Craig to shut his big, fat, Yankee mouth and stop causing trouble. His goal is to ease Kathryn back into the group. Craig has been way too aggressive. Actually, Craig wasn’t all that aggressive. Whitney was the one who threw a temper tantrum that rivaled a hungry toddler at nap time.
Later, Craig approaches Cameran. She insists that Craig apologize to Whitney, and claims she doesn’t even know who in the hell he is. Sure, he looks like Craig. He sounds like Craig. But this #NewCraig is a stranger.
After Craig offers Whitney a half-hearted ‘sorry, but you started it first’ type apology, Craig is left with only Naomie. But even she’s not on his side. Still, Craig is strong in his convictions. He has to stand up to everyone, speak his truth, and defend Kathryn. Because that’s what kind of man he is. He’s also a man who boldly wears lavender paisley print shirts and mistakenly thinks he can run a bourbon company.
The next morning, Whitney and Cameran talk shit about Craig and decide to leave early. He’s thoroughly spoiled their weekend with his accusations.
Back in Charleston, Kathryn calls Thomas and tells him that her blood pressure has been high and her doctor considers her a high risk pregnancy. She’s going to be induced three weeks early. Thomas promises to come over and put together the changing table. For once, they seem like two civilized, rational people. So either they remembered to take their medication or it was a full moon.
Back in North Carolina, Shep awakens to a nearly empty house—unless you count Landon Clements, and I don’t. Shep is angry that his weekend has gone awry. But because he’s such a big-hearted guy and “grudges are for losers” he decides he can forgive Craig this misstep.
Over at Tchotchkes R Us, Patricia rings for her butler, informing him she has errands to run. One of those errands includes schlepping over to Whitney’s latest rented loft to take him by surprise. She walks in on Whitney playing his electric guitar and looks about distastefully, comparing his loft to an Isis prison camp. Yes, because living in a converted warehouse with old paint spattered on the concrete floor is exactly like being held by murderous terrorists. I mean, identical, right?
Whitney is so traumatized by Craig’s spurious accusations, he can’t even bring himself to discuss his trip to North Carolina. And like a good southern WASP mother, Patricia doesn’t push, and instead, asks Whitney about his upcoming boys’ trip to LA.
Whitney is excited to be going back to Cali. His girlfriend and model, Larissa, is coming to see him. All the dude bros are invited, except for Craig. Natch.
Over in Thomas’s mansion, he’s got the new changing table and is ready to put it together. One problem. He can’t get ahold of Kathryn. She won’t answer his calls or texts. So he naturally speed dials Nanny Dawn. Um, isn’t Kathryn supposed to be on bed rest? Yes. Yes, she is. But it seems Kathryn was so upset that Thomas was joining Whitney in LA for a celebratory boys’ trip that she dropped the phone and fled for parts unknown.
Nanny Dawn takes Thomas to task. She tells him this stress was really avoidable. That it’s irresponsible for him to go across country when Kathryn’s due date is so close. That perhaps he should act like a grown man, stay in town, and apologize to Kathryn? After all, she’s cooking his baby in her uterus oven, the least he could do is sit tight for the next couple of weeks. Thomas admits that Nanny Dawn makes a good point.
Whitney is now back in LA. Sure, he could stay in Charleston like Shep, picking up semi-attractive girls in bars, but he has better things to do. He has a real career. Doing film stuff. When Thomas calls to say he and Kathryn had a fight about his boys’ trip, Whitney is disgusted by Kathryn and her baby woes. What does Thomas care anyway? It’s not like he’s still coupling with the red-haired vixen.
Over on the east coast, Craig meets with Cameran at the drugstore soda fountain. She seems cold and standoffish at first, clearly expecting him to grovel. He’s no longer the sweet Craig she tried to browbeat into taking the bar exam. He’s now spewing lies and innuendo about her pal, Whitney. Craig desperately wants everyone to be friends again, to let Kathryn come to parties and lame weekend trips. Cameran informs Craig that she and Kathryn were never friends. She won’t have anything to do with T-Rav’s sloppy seconds.
For reasons unknown, Shep is desperate to get Whitney to change his mind about inviting Craig to LA. He just wants peace, man. Is that so wrong? Whitney will consider it, but it will take a lot, like Craig crawling on all fours and begging for forgiveness.
After championing Kathryn’s cause, Craig stops by her place. He tells her that he confronted Whitney. Everyone got upset with him and no one wants to see Kathryn ever again. Bummer. But hey, she’s having another kid, which is like a consolation prize!
When German model, Larissa, arrives in LA, she and Whitney embrace and head to the bedroom. Whitney’s cramped right hand is rejoicing that he can be with a real woman once again. He admits he’s insecure about his fräulein. She travels so often, he wonders if she’ll come back. So he wrote her a song telling her how much he loves her. Not a sappy tune. Or a song with lyrics that rhyme. No my friends, that is not Whitney’s style. He sings, complete with a bad Elvis impersonation, a song entitled, “I Love You, I Love You So F*^@ing Much.”
Excuse me while I wipe away a tear.
That evening, Craig meanders into Shep’s bar, and they retire to the patio to confab. Shep has wrangled an invite out of Whitney, vouching that Craig will be on his best behavior. Dude bros forever. LA, here they come!
So Charmers, what do you think? Was Kathryn’s gripe legit? Was it wrong for Thomas to head to the west coast so near her due date? And did Whitney blow Craig’s accusation out of proportion? How delighted were you that this was a nearly Landon-free episode? And is it me, or is Cameran less likable now that she’s thrown in with Whitney?