RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — Cary Deuber Is Shaded Over Gossip About Her Marriage [Season 1, Episode 7]

Welcome back, y’all! Provided you’re still hanging on for The Real Housewives of Dallas trail ride. This week, we begin with LeeAnne and Tiffany who are joining the queen of charity, Heidi Eff’n Dillon, for lunch. Y’all remember Heidi, right? She was on Big Rich Texas. If you forgot about that show, it’s completely understandable. Heidi gives tee-shirts to Tiffany and LeeAnne that say #skanksofdallas. I’m sure this was Bravo’s second choice for the show’s title.

Tiffany invites Heidi to come to her first Dallas charity event to give her rocker husband something to do. Light of Tomorrow will help the children of east Africa have lights. Heidi says this charity is “potentially of interest.” Heidi then tells the girls she wants to have a Frito chili pie meet and greet at her home to get to know the new ladies. She promises to keep an open mind with Brandi, however, as for Cary – Gossip Alert! – Heidi says she snagged her husband on her knees under his desk.

We join Cary at Mark’s office and she’s not under his desk, but obviously doesn’t have to do that task anymore now that they’re married. They are in surgery, boring the other surgical staff about their plans for tonight. Cary forgot it’s their 6^th anniversary and guess what Mark wants for his gift? Put it this way, Cary will be getting under that desk tonight. The poor staff would rather look at blood and guts than hear about their plans.

Brandi gets a sad phone call from her mom to update her on little brother Michael. He’s in the hospital struggling with PTSD after serving in Afghanistan. Brandi stops by Stephanie’s for some much needed girl talk, sans the Jesus juice, so you know it’s about to get real. Brandi shares that her little brother tried to overdose with pills. Brandi is grateful for Stephanie’s friendship. At this point, Stephanie is more supportive than Brandi’s husband Bryan – whose walkout has not been mentioned thus far.

Tiffany and LeeAnne are shopping for rocker clothes for the House of Blues event. Tiffany is hopeful that everyone will get along and she will earn her place in Dallas charity society. LeeAnne says she’s prepared to apologize to Stephanie, but not that trash named Brandi. Tiffany updates LeeAnne on the trash’s little brother who is still in the hospital after his suicide attempt. LeeAnne is now forced to think of the “snot-nosed little kid” as a human now. The plan is for LeeAnne to call Stephanie and make amends.

Over at Mark and Cary’s house they are getting drunk so Cary can have sex with him. Mark has a gift for Cary. His personal shopper arrives to with a Roberto Cavalli gown for Cary. Sigh. Another dress. Does the man ever give flowers? Jewelry? Purses? Something other than dresses he wants for himself?

Onto Brandi and Bryan and the elephant in the bar. They talk about Michael and his status of loneliness and how sad this makes Brandi feel because she’s always lonely, too. For someone who said in her tag line “I was a Cowboy’s cheerleader, but in Dallas I’m never on the sidelines,” Brandi seems to be on the sidelines much of the time. Bryan apologizes for not being there or appreciating the effort she made for her grandfather or every other sin he has ever committed.

Across town, it’s time for LeeAnne to eat crow at lunch with Stephanie. She wastes no time with an apology. LeeAnne explains the incident at the happy hour came from a hurtful place in her carny childhood that was filled with shame. Stephanie doesn’t want to hear about LeeAnne’s childhood, so she eagerly accepts the apology in the hopes of moving past it. Too bad, Stephanie has to hear more and more and more about LeeAnne’s upbringing. Stephanie should fake choking on a teacake. And just a little bit of advice to LeeAnne; blend your blush, hun. It’s like armadillo blood or something. And I feel like I could write this in every recap, but y’all would get so tired of me saying it.

Elsewhere, Tiffany and Aaron are getting their hair did for their charity event. Exciting news! A waiter recently recognized Aaron as rock star…wait for it…not as Keith Urban…wait for it…Billy Ray Cyrus! You know, Hannah Montana’s dad. Do you think it broke Aaron’s “Achy Breaky Heart?”

Yee-haw! It’s time for the event! OMG! Tiffany is wearing the, higher the hair, closer to God, bee-hive, hair do. Do not try this at home, folks. It’s called a fake faux hawk and unfortunately it didn’t go out in the 80’s. Heidi invites all of the ladies to her house so she can “bring the bitches up to speed.” Aaron does a classy thing and dedicates a song to Brandi’s brother. He isn’t there to hear it, but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house and Tiffany’s event was a success, despite her hair do.

LeeAnne is getting ready for the Frito pie Goth/carnival party. How these things go together, I don’t know. But LeeAnne tells Rich she’s not looking forward to seeing Cary, not Brandi for once, at the party because Cary can push her buttons. Besides, everyone knows Mark was a “happily” married man when Cary stole him away, under that desk. Rich shakes his head because he too was a “happily” married man – twice.

The women show up, completely over dressed and harsh looking. Another woman from Big Rich Texas arrives. Marie is also there, spilling water. Taylor the uber gossiper is there. Cary, who’s apparently a yogi, arrives and can immediately feel the tension. So she only wants to pet Ralph the dog – and I don’t blame her. Ralph isn’t a bitch like the other women in the room. Heidi feels she’s been dissed by Cary and runs to tell LeeAnne. LeeAnne concurs that this is improper and not how one treats their elders. And even more shocking, Cary will not eat the Frito pie that was made by Heidi and her maid. Heidi announces that Cary is going to give a deep-throat corndog demonstration. Ouch, literally!

This is the worst party ever. Everyone looks mean, and therefore, is mean. Here’s the real deal, though, Heidi is still friends with Mark’s ex-wife. So Cary doesn’t stand a chance, even six years later. Brandi is thrilled for once she’s not in the drama. Cary, being a yogi, picks up on this and is out of there. She feels LeeAnne is jealous of her because she’s been married three times and LeeAnne hasn’t been married even once. Not sure either of these “ladies” are something to be envious of, but whatevs.

Tune in next week when more inappropriate shit goes down with the elders.

 

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