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RECAP: Southern Charm — Craig Receives A Crushing Blow From JD [Season 3, Episode 6]

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I'm a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.    

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Hello, Southern Charmers! Are you ready for this week’s insanity?

Let’s jump off the deep end and dive right into the crazy. Craig Conover is in love, you guys. Like a romcom hero, things finally going his way. As his girlfriend, Naomie, says, Craig is “crushing life.” He’s been working for JD for a few weeks, has applied for the bar exam, and he’s ready to take charge of the new bourbon company JD has been developing, so naturally, it’s time to get pre-engaged.

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Craig slips the ring he bought Naomi into a ring box, then cleverly asks her to help him pick out accessories for the day. When she sees the ring, she nearly cries. Craig pats himself on the back. Hard work and monogamy are finally paying off. #NewCraig #CrushingLife.

Cameran Eubanks pulls up to her new listing, a restored historical home with original features and a blue porch ceiling that wards off evil spirits, only to find her new assistant is MIA. That’s because Shep Rose is at home, making breakfast before he heads off to work. Never mind that it’s one o’clock in the afternoon. After his disco roller birthday party flatlined, Shep spent the rest of the night slamming shots with his buddies. So…basically what he does every night. But he’s still upset that Kathryn Dennis was left off the invite list. He finds out that Kathryn reached out to Cam, but Cam shut that shit down. Can’t they all just get along?

Kathryn finally realizes there’s only one way to get back into this Charmed group, and that is by reaching out to JD’s wife and Kensie’s godmother, Elizabeth. If you’ll remember, the last time the two saw each other was at Thomas Ravenel’s polo match where Kathryn had her own toddler meltdown. But Kathryn is finally ready to make amends. She calls Elizabeth, who graciously invites the ginger spitfire to her home.

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Back at Cameran’s listing, she and Shep tour the house, but he doesn’t bother taking notes about pocket doors and Charleston windows. Hey, the real estate business isn’t like splitting the atom, kids. It’s all about personality, which Shep has in spades. When Cam thinks the house should be put on the market in the mid 700’s, Shep immediately questions her. Why not the high 700’s? Answer that, if you dare, Cameran! She quickly tells Shep to take a seat. Who’s the professional here?

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Landon Clements, our whiny baby talker, is congratulating herself. After taking her dad’s money all these years, she finally takes his advice and picks one idea for her new career: a website dedicated to travel. She calls her dad and tells him she’s headed to New York to get some financial backing. Daddy wonders if she really wants an excuse to go shopping. Because there’s this crazy new thing called Skype. You and I both know this woman isn’t paying for her own plane ticket to NYC.

In the meantime, Craig takes a meeting with JD. Which means he walks down the hall into JD’s office. Gentry Hospitality is getting closer to launching a bourbon business and JD needs Craig to send out invites to the tasting party. Craig naturally thinks this ordering appetizers is a stepping stone to taking over the new division. JD lets us know that he’s still in charge. Craig likes to give orders, but he’s still just a wee businessman who has yet to pass the bar exam. JD has been getting all his advice from friend of the Charmed Ones, Danni. She’s been in the booze biz for over fifteen years. Why JD doesn’t ask for Thomas’s help, I don’t know. He’s been drinking himself stupid for the past four decades. Surely that makes him twice as qualified as everyone else.

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Over at JD’s house, Elizabeth is supervising her young sons on the swing set when Kathryn shows up. Liz sends the boys inside while she and Kathryn sit down for a heart to heart. Elizabeth is confused why Kathryn shunned her for six months. She’s cried and lost sleep over it. Kathryn feels remorse and admits that she’s the one who distanced herself, unsure of whom to trust. But Elizabeth made a promise to Kathryn at one of Kensie’s many christenings. She’d never turn her back on Kathryn and the baby. They both cry and hug it out.

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Shep bops over to T-Rav’s new home. All Thomas has to offer are beer, soft drinks, and bags of potato chips. Fortunately, Shep isn’t picky—which we know because we’ve seen the women he’s hooked up with over the years. It seems when Kathryn was left out of Shep’s boring birthday party, she called Thomas and blasted him with the full force of her wrath. Did Landon really invite Kathryn or was she lying? (Does Shep think if Kathryn had been invited, she wouldn’t have been at the roller rink, patting her stomach and sucking up every ounce of attention? Of course she would!). Moving forward, Thomas wants Kathryn included on all of the invites. Because when she gets upset, all of the blood in her entire body rushes to her head, depriving the baby of oxygen. Or something to that effect. Shep promises to do his duty and be a gentleman by extending an invite to Kathryn, no matter what.

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Up there in Yankee territory, Landon meets with a man named Lockheart. His company produces all sorts of publications, but they don’t have a travel magazine. That’s where Landon comes in. She wants to appeal to the upscale men and women who travel the world. Not only will she show dreamy destinations, she’ll talk about high tech products and movie reviews and financial advice! Lockheart looks at her like she’s a few ball bearings shy of a roller skate and tells her flat out that her idea won’t work.

He asks for an elevator pitch. When Landon gives him her patented blank smile, he explains he wants a couple of sentences crystalizing her idea. Um…she wants to make a website about arts and travel and arts. Lockheart is looking less impressed by the minute. Landon isn’t able to come up with anything remotely interesting. Lockheart tells her to go home and put together a prototype website. One teeny, tiny problem. Landon doesn’t know what a prototype is. She’s never built a website. This is hard, y’all. She’s spent her life getting by on her cute factor and her dad’s money, but it’s not working this time.

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Over at an oyster dive bar, Cameran, Shep, and Whitney Sudler-Smith meet up. Shep wants everyone to come on an Appalachian adventure in North Carolina. His parents own a cabin. It’ll be fun. Cameran and Whitney aren’t convinced. What will they do—hike? Gross! And it’ll take over four hours to get there? Can’t they just fly? Who is Shep inviting anyway, surely not Kathryn?

Shep’s already promised Thomas that he’ll include Kathryn in all of his parties from now on. But when Whitney and Cam say they’ll stay away if Kathryn is invited, Shep is caught between the nerdy girl from math class and the cool kids he tokes up with on the weekends. What’s a popular boy to do?

On the night of the bourbon tasting party, Craig is awed by all the casks of bourbon sitting in the warehouse. How come JD never told him about this? Though Craig is desperate to run the new division, he doesn’t know the difference between bourbon and whiskey. During the lecture, he keeps asking Danni questions, like, “Why is bourbon so trendy?” He thinks if she can give him a few tips, he’ll impress JD. But as the evening progresses and Danni is put in charge of the taste test, Craig feels left out. He didn’t even have a place card, damn it. Doesn’t throwing this party prove he’s up to the task of VP? Not so much, as it turns out.

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JD asks Danni to become the Gentry Bourbon VP. JD gently reminds Craig that he has no experience. Danni tells him that bourbon is a hundred billion dollar business. Craig needs to know more than a handful of bartenders to get this product up and running. He’s left feeling foolish and must now break the news to Naomie, who thought his promotion was a done deal.

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Oh, Naomie. Girl, if you hitch your wagon to Craig, expect these empty promises for the next ten years, until he finally gets his shit together. #OldCraig was lazy. #NewCraig is a dreamer who doesn’t want to start at the bottom and work his way up. He and Landon have that much in common.

Question: did you cover your eyes or your ears when Landon made her pathetic pitch to Lockheart? Will she figure out what a prototype is? Will Craig take the bar exam? And will Shep ever get up before noon?

 

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