Sister Wives began with a two hour premiere — definitely at least an hour too long. The first hour involved Maddie and Caleb’s engagement announcement, Robyn’s whale-like stature, and a budding bromance between a desperate Kody and a patient Caleb. The adults are excited about the engagement, and seem to adore Caleb more than their own children.
We watch the Browns frolic with joy, over the monogamous true love. Kody is over the moon with excitement, and practically shoves Maddie out of the way, and leaps in Caleb’s arms. Truely emerges as the truly obnoxious breakout of the season — and Solomon is right behind her.
We sit through a snoozy discussion about where Baby Eri-May will sleep, and for some reason, Robyn doesn’t put the prince in pants for filming. Robyn throws Mare a solid, and doesn’t put Sol in his Batman undies. The women all assure the viewers that Kody actually DOES sleep in all of their beds — not just Robyn’s. Kody slips, and notes that “most of the time” he sleeps with Solomon — along with his mother. Meri states that she plans to be the new baby’s elderly mother, and all of the gals are all excited. The little traditional family visits the midwife, where we hear Kody call Robyn — “Mrs. Brown.” Have we ever heard that before? The couple can’t believe that Robyn is carrying a human — especially Kody’s 18th.
We then travel with Janelle, Christine and Kody, who all move Maddie to her cute new Montana rental. Christine’s kids note that Kody is obsessed with Caleb, but that Caleb doesn’t believe in brother-husbands. Christine is sad to let Maddie go, but Janelle doesn’t bat an eye. We also learn that we failed to bully Meri out of her white stitches.
Now — onto the good stuff. Crackerjack therapist, Nancy, is called in, to hash out Mare’s entanglement with an online catfish. The topic creates anxiety for Meri — probably in part because viewers know the dirty deets about the romance. Meri admits that the Alaska family chat didn’t go as expected — but leaves out that it was because her dreamboat turned out to be les-dud. Meri claims that she chose not to spill because she didn’t want to ruin their trip, chalking up LIE #1.
We flash back, and watch Mare tell the group that she is preparing to flee the family — evidently news that she didn’t expect would ruin the trip. Mare spills how and where she told Robyn about the situation — but exactly what she told her, remains unclear. Robyn cites Mare sharing “horrifying things” that had happened, and that she suspected Fish to be a bust.
Robyn claims that Meri believed that her house was bugged and that “they” were tracking her every move. Robyn says that Mare labeled the situation “emotional blackmail,” and just knows that she can wheedle into the drama somehow. What did she do to allow such a dynamic? Kody shares that Meri told him and the others shortly after Robyn, which clarified to him why her face always has that “I’M TRAPPED” glow to it. Mare describes her relationship with the “guy,” and how the online banter grew into something bigger. Meri says that Fish expressed love for her, and then admitted to caring about him, forgetting to mention all of her reciprocal “I LOVE YOUs!!!”
Kody explains that he asked her to cut the online shenanigans, and Meri responded with a “nah.” Kody notes that Meri did not trust him, and really didn’t give a crap what he thought. Kody accepts blame for also not giving a crap, and Mare admits to feeling flattered by Fish’s sweet talking. Janelle assures Mare that feelings of flattery are allowed within the cult. Fish’s “female friend” is mentioned, and Mare admits to meeting her, finally identifying her as the love-culprit. Mare explains that when Fish discovered that she was sleuthing, the verbal abuse started. Janelle is surprised that Mare fell for the nonsense, and wonders why she didn’t shut it down. Mare speaks of a disturbing phone convo where the Fish was eavesdropping, and claims that she feels controlled to this day. Didn’t she later say that all contact was cut, when they didn’t meet face to face? Did Mare never consider changing her number, or giving the ol’ IGNORE strategy a whirl?
Meri continues, claiming that Fish challenged her harem-happiness, and bashed her cultish belief system. Meri credits Fish for pushing her to reconnect with God, to ask for help. Christine comments that she is sad that one of them was so disconnected, while Janelle struggles to stay awake.
Janelle perks up, and comments that separate houses have encouraged the disconnection. Nance finally throws in, and asks Mare if she could stand to spend more time with the family. Meri isn’t sure if she can stomach it, but is willing to force herself. Humorously, a bottom piece of quippy art hanging over Mare’s head reads…”gone terribly wrong.” Indeed.
Robyn feels mad and betrayed, and Kody feels kicked to the curb, because of “these bad people.” Kody nails it, and comments that Mare’s secret phone calls became more important than their marriage, or their crappy communication. Kody nails Mare for wanting out, and after staring blankly a few minutes, Meri blames the fact that she is just used to being brainwashed. The banana memories are real, and Mare is having a hard time shaking off the good times. Mare admits to being mad at Kodes, but is SUPER mad at Fish, who has now morphed into a plural entity, taking over Mare’s brain. On a side note, Christine vows that she would never spill info that would break the Ya Ya Code of the SisterWives. What a relief.
Mare shifts gears and goes badass, sputtering that HimHerTtThey messed with the wrong p-p-person. Kody calls the whole thing super weird. Mare picks the story back up, and speaks of her careful covert maneuvers, which she labels “taking her power back.” Mare spills that she finally got tough, and demanded to meet Fish in person, with no bananas allowed. WHY — if she was being threatened and abused? Mare cites fishy LIES, but still wanted to meet up?? Fish never showed — and the love affair crashed into the deep.
Mare is confused, but is happy that at least she is a real person. She proclaims that she did NOT have an affair, and wants to do all that she can to help other real people. She may even leave her house to do it, as long as she doesn’t have to identify the scary chick that did it to her. Meri feels guilty for inviting the scaly beast into the family, and Janelle has high hopes that including Mare more won’t be too scary. Kody embraces a sobbing Mare, counting down the seconds before he can let her go.
The upcoming season looks more interesting than most — with lies, deception and evil, intermingling with a new baby and joyous wedding planning. The pissed-off Mariah dynamic is one to watch. Until next week!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.