We open with this episode of Southern Charm by watching Thomas Ravenel lying on the bed and shimming into his white jeans like every teenage girl with too tight trousers. Cameran Eubanks starts her day by squirting whipped cream in her coffee and her yob. Whitney Sudler-Smith eats wieners first thing—I’ll allow you to interpret this how you’d like. Shep Rose snores the day away. Patricia Altschul has a flamingo hangover. And Craig Conover is moving out of the house owned by his girlfriend’s parents and into a house owned by his girlfriend.
As they pack up the kitchen, Craig lays out his hypothesis for his lady-love, Naomie. See, two years ago when he first met Kathryn Dennis, Craig wanted to hit that. But then she shtupped Shep, and the trophy factor was gone for Craig, which is why he and Kathryn entered the friend zone. Then Kathryn screwed Whitney, but Shep, being Shep, didn’t care. Because his bed has a revolving mattress. But when Kathryn took up with Thomas, Whitney damn near had a stroke. From all this, Craig deduces that Whitney had secret feelings for Kathryn and was jealous that T-Rav got the golden hooha. Or something. Naomie looks on in disbelief.
Kathryn arrives for lunch with the boldly fashionable Cooper. She’s carrying a sassy new Birkin bag, because, hey, a knocked up unwed mother who can’t afford her own rent needs a little pick me up. But Kathryn tells us it’s a fake. Whew. For a minute there, I seriously doubted her good judgement.
Cooper gives us a little backstory. It seems that before her flamingo party, Patricia called him and advised him not to be seen in public with Kathryn. It’d be bad for his image. Cooper was all, “don’t tell me what to do, beyotch. I’ll be friends with this unwed ginger if I want to.” Then Cooper wondered about this friendship Kathryn developed with Jen Snowden, the girl who slept with T-Rav and has been in the middle of the couple’s drama. He’s not impressed with her interference, but Kathryn stands by her lone gal pal.
Whitney shows up at his mom’s house. Patricia hates his unshaven look, saying whiskers make him look like a dock worker. The horror! Um, Patty girl, at least dock workers have jobs, unlike your middle-aged son. Anyway, Patricia is disgusted that Cooper wouldn’t drop Kathryn like a bottle of poison and has banned him from all future parties. Do you think he’ll survive the deprivation?!
Over at Shep’s, he opens a bottle of wine and his friend/hookup, Bailey, drops by with her art supplies. Shep wants her a paint a portrait of him on the beach. Now, if you’ll remember, gentle reader, Landon Clements is the Bob Ross of this crew. And by that, I mean she slaps skeletal palm trees onto canvas and supposedly sells these masterpieces to paying customers. However, that being said, Bailey’s artwork looks like the paint by numbers variety. Still, Shep is digging this girl. She wears Beetlejuice striped pants and a hat that belonged to Madonna back in 1983. He’s hot for what she’s got. He may not be ready to DTR, but she’s DTF, so it all evens out.
Landon and her whiny little girl voice meet up with Whitney to look for a disco costume. She’s planning a roller skating party in honor of Shep’s birthday, and though he’d like to include Kathryn, Landon refuses to invite her. But whatever. Whose party is this, anyway?
Cameran shows up at Shep’s bar and tells him that she’s got a new listing, and if he brings in a buyer, she’ll split the commission. Of course talk turns to Shep’s dating life. He sees himself settling down with a couple of kids. Some day. With some mystery woman. And since Cameran is now ordained, she can officiate this mythical wedding. Shep’s turning thirty-six, after all. Time’s a wastin’. Tick tock, Shep.
In a tale of two moving vans, Thomas is giving his movers marching orders as they carry valuable furniture into his newly refurbished historical home. On the other side of town, Kathryn has a little house—you remember, the one Thomas cosigned for—and her movers think that since her baby furniture box has been sitting in a barn, it might be infested with “critters”. Her decor choices are noteworthy. Nothing says home like a gold glitter sign that reads “Pop Fizz Clink.”
All the while, Craig is living in romantic bliss. He and Naomie sit and watch romcoms and eat ice cream. But Craig has bigger dreams. He wants to run the bourbon division of JD’s company. I mean, he majored in finance and went to law school. Sure, he didn’t quite finish until recently and he hasn’t taken the bar exam and he did get fired from his last job, but other than that, he’s totally qualified.
Landon drops by Thomas’s finished house. She invites him to Shep’s birthday party, and Thomas immediately wants to know if Kathryn is invited, too. You all know how pregnant women who’ve been in the hospital with bleeding issues like to strap on skates and hit the floor. Landon is wondering why Thomas even cares about Kathryn. After all, he just knocked her up a couple of times. It’s not like they have a future together. Then she tells him that she’s looking for investors for a travel website idea she’s cooked up in that big empty head space of hers. Now, it’s Thomas’s turn to shut her down. Sorry, Landon, you won’t be getting any cash from T-Rav. He knows a bad investment when he sees one.
In the meantime, Kahtryn reaches out to Cameran to see if they can meet up for coffee. Kathryn is too batshit crazy for Cameran’s taste. Because Cameran is now buddy, buddy with snooty Patty, she slams the door on Kathryn’s overtures of friendship. Although I don’t disagree with Kathryn being cuckoo for the Cocoa Puffs, I think Cameran is getting a little stuck-up after being in Patty’s shadow. She doesn’t want to be ostracized, like Cooper.
As the Charmers get ready for the roller skate disco party, Landon puts on her skates and a sequined jumpsuit. Then she’s late for the party bus and leaves Shep on his own. He’s not excited about this party to begin with. He was a skater boy, not a roller skater boy. Get it right, Landon. She finally arrives with cupcakes and jello shots served out of a cardboard box. The party bus is more of a van with straw mats glued to the interior roof and walls. They’ll have to get tanked on this bus, too, because they can’t drink alcohol at the skating rink. Shep is pissed. This is not the party he envisioned.
At the roller rink, decorations include photos of a younger Shep taped all over the concrete walls and some balloons. Like Shep is six instead of pushing forty. But at least Craig can finally excel at something that Shep can’t do, and he flies around the rink while Shep falls on his ass. Shep is hating every minute of this lame party and blames Landon for the epic fail. Landon is hoping that she can show off for Shep, but he’s busy holding hands with Bailey, the portrait painter.
When Cameran says Kathryn called her, offering an olive branch, Craig is at first excited. But he soon learns that Cameran couldn’t give a shit about Kathryn or her drama. He’s disappointed that Cameran isn’t a better person and sees Patricia’s influence at work. Now it’s time for food and presents! Yay! Landon had the event catered by Dominos and the snack shack at the rink. Those cold fries looked delish, girl! Bailey gives Shep his present—the portrait she painted. It’s as shiteous as we imagined, but he loves it. Landon, on the other hand, is envious. Doesn’t Shep know she’s the talented one?
When Shep finally notices that Kathryn is missing, he calls her, finding out she wasn’t really invited. Then he confronts Landon, and she lies through her bleached teeth. Hey, if Gingy isn’t here, whatevs. How dare Kathryn ruin this day for Landon…I mean Shep. Because this is Shep’s roller disco birthday party.
The birthday boy was angry that Landon lied and deliberately went against his wishes by ignoring Kathryn. He wanted her to take the high road. That’s just one more thing she screwed up, and he’s over it.
And so ends our episode. So, what do you think? Should Cameran have agreed to meet Kathryn for coffee? Is Jen a true friend or is she playing an angle? And is Landon the absolute worst: A) painter B) friend C) party planner D) all of the above?