RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — LeeAnne’s Epic Wine Toss & Walk Out [Season 1, Episode 4]

We begin this week’s hot mess of The Real Housewives of Dallas with Brandi as she tells her husband she’s been invited by Stephanie to go visit her home town in Coweta, Oklahoma. They are driving with a bunch of small kids in the car. Hopefully they will refrain from the Jesus juice while driving, but no promises with these two. Next up is LeeAnne bragging about how busy she is with charity, charity, charity. She stops by her friend Heidi’s cool house. They pop champagne, and I have no idea what this scene is about, other than to see LeeAnne brown nose a woman into being an honorary chairperson for a women’s HIV charity event.

It’s time for the road trip of tears. Brandi looks vapid chasing a dog around the neighborhood and Stephanie can’t get her kid to stop crying, and they haven’t even left yet. Xanax and muzzles are on these moms-of-the-year wish list. And off they go, four hours of screaming – including Brandi singing to the kids.

We are at Paws Cause so let’s woof it up! Tiffany pulls LeeAnne away from yapping about how long it’s taking her boyfriend to propose to talk about her lunch with Cary and Stephanie. Marie is concerned that LeeAnne will be inappropriate at her cocktail party because Brandi and Stephanie are invited as well. LeeAnne says it’ll be okay, she’s going to have fun. Tiffany rolls her eyes, knowing this will only end with an inappropriate performance.

Brandi and Stephanie arrive at her humble beginnings. Stephanie’s parents are Frank and Susan and much too nice for this show. Stephanie feels that only here can her boys experience the meaningful things in life because unlike Dallas where everyone has an agenda, you can go to Walmart in your PJ’s. Darn it to heck, but we don’t get to see this.

The rest of the family come over for deviled eggs and bbq ribs, but no Jesus juice, except for Brandi and Stephanie. Did you know there is no Uber in Coweta, y’all? But in the country, they are cleverer. They call AAA when they are too drunk to drive and have them tow their car home with them in it. Brandi feels like she’s smack dab in the middle of a non-alcoholic Hallmark commercial. Growing up, Brandi and her brothers ate dinner in front of the television set, so being at the adult table makes her extremely uncomfortable.

Over at the boob factory, Cary and her husband Mark have completed another busy day, so Cary is off to yoga. Mark wants to go but Cary informs her she can never unsee his naked frog. Besides, new friend Tiffany is meeting her at the yoga studio so she can show off for another woman. Cary is made of rubber, but you probably already knew that.

Back in Coweta, Stephanie’s says this is where the idea of biblical perfection was first drilled into her head. She thinks that her parents feel she doesn’t deserve the nice things she has in Dallas because she didn’t earn them. Hey Stephanie, you did earn it, girl. They say when you marry for money you earn every penny.

Back with the yoga ladies, they are getting juiced – and not the Jesus juice kind – the real kind. Tiffany and Cary gossip about LeeAnne. Tiffany explains when she first met LeeAnne she hated her guts. Cary says that’s how she feels now. For some reason, it’s important for Cary to point out that although the women in Dallas society love LeeAnne, LeeAnne isn’t one of them.

Brandi is back at home and calls her grandfather in her best baby-girl voice. After spending a day and a half with Stephanie’s family, she now understands the true meaning of family. We learn that her G-Pa played football for the Rams and the Broncos. He asks Brandi if the girls received the Easter bunnies he and his wife sent, and this makes Brandi cry. She tells her G-Pa that she’d like to bring him to Texas to meet her family.

Rich comes home to check on LeeAnne who’s getting ready for a girls night out happy hour. This isn’t a charity event, so LeeAnne is looking forward to getting into a fight letting her hair down. Rich wants to crash the party, but LeeAnne tells him no because when he’s around she behaves herself. Obviously this isn’t going to end well.

Brandi is nervous about seeing LeeAnne because she knows shit will go down how LeeAnne tried to get the others on the wagon-wheel of not liking Brandi. The women arrive at the bar all decked out in their Sunday-hussy best. Tiffany is on Brandi “like a 50% off sale at JC Penney’s” right as she enters. Tiffany wants her to know that she’s her own person, blah, blah, blah. All Brandi is thinking is, “Where is my Jesus juice?” They hug it out.

LeeAnne is chatting up a woman named Erica, telling her that she has always known who, what, when, where and why she is. Cary boxes her way into the conversation and LeeAnne tells poor Erica stuck in the middle that Cary thinks she’s fake. Cary says, “No, I think you’re different.” LeeAnne smacks her own ass and says, “Made by God. Eff you.” Way to keep classy, LeeAnne.

There is only one boy invited to the party and his name is Taylor. He looks and acts about 12. When he hears LeeAnne howling, he says to Marie, “I don’t know sometimes why you’re even friends with her.” Out of the mouths of babe. It’s a match made in gossip heaven when Taylor, Stephanie and Brandi talk crap about LeeAnne. Taylor shares an inappropriate story about LeeAnne being wasted and pooping her pants sometime back.

So the mean girls, Cary, Brandi, and Stephanie gather Tiffany to ask if the pooping story is true. Like Brandi has room to talk with her fancy poop hat. But Tiffany is not having it. Brandi points out that if her behavior was inappropriate at the Mad Hatter, LeeAnne should have had the conversation with her, not with Stephanie and Cary. Score one for Brandi.

This is the saddest happy hour ever! LeeAnne is on the other side of the room saying she’s not dumb enough for the mean girls, when in fact she is. Tiffany has the terrible idea to bring LeeAnne and Brandi together to talk about the pooping elephant in the room. Brandi begins with a, sorry I’m not sorry, apology then tells LeeAnne she’s full of shit, literally. They argue over who needs help. Ladies it’s a tie!

LeeAnne walks off, smashes her drink into a dirty-dish tub and Stephanie comments on her lack of class. LeeAnne’s head spins around and she marches straight for Stephanie, who looks like a deer about to be shot. LeeAnne tells her good luck with your charity work after defending this little piece of trash called Brandi. LeeAnne walks out and Stephanie cries.

Unfortunately, there’s more fun to be continued next week. Sigh.

 

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