RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Bethenny Berates John & Jules [Season 8, Episode 4] #RHONY

The Real Housewives of New York begins in the Hamptons, at Bethenny’s home. Bethenny is happiest there, and wants us all to come on over, and share the advertised joy. We see her gorgeous house, and surprisingly, no rooms are wallpapered in Skinnygirl logos. We check in at Jules and Michael’s house, where Dorinda and John are staying. The foursome chats about how to handle the bra party from hell aftermath—and how John needs to apologize for being a drunk buffoon. Dorinda is frustrated at John’s annoying pride, and is nervous about Bethenny’s upcoming birthday party. Carole and her lookalike Baby arrive at Bethenny’s, and she checks out the fun fall spread, where a stylish chick from NYC can get away with dressing like a lumberjack. Bethenny reminds Carole that Good-Time Luann will surely show up, and to brace herself for a non-apology. Carole plans to stay far away from the countess. Ramona and friend, Hank arrive, and are welcomed by a giant lawn duck. Ramona shares her plans to leave the next day, and to skip the brunch at Jules’ place, so she won’t be off the market on a Saturday night. John, Dorinda, Jules and Michael appear, and Dorinda just wants John’s big ass humbled.

The couples tromp into the party, and John’s attitude makes an appearance, via a snarky mumble. All of the ladies greet each other, and Jules feels sorry for John, being thrown into the mix. Bethenny tries to keep the party moving, while Ramona nervously jabbers in the background. Dorinda notices Bethenny giving John the cold shoulder, and Bethenny labels him an “obstruction.” Dorinda nervously coaches John, while Bethenny complains about the oversized garden gnome, stinking up her yard. Dorinda muses that Bethenny likes watching John squirm, and Bethenny thinks that Dorinda and John may not remember the drunken dialogue that went down at the bra party. Bethenny regrets not speaking up, to keep the big orange blowhard out of her birthday party. John ambles over to Group A, while Bethenny tries to enjoy her friends, in Group B. Back in Group A, Ramona is whining about the gay status of all the hotties, in NYC.

Luann saunters up to Group B, and greets the women politely, but Carole snarks that her arrival to a casual barbecue is somehow deliberately grandiose. Luann brings a hula hoop to entertain the group—and I love it. Who doesn’t love a hula hoop? You guessed it—Carole. Luann makes the rounds, and greets Group A, which includes Jules and Michael, while Group B titters about the appalling hoop-spectacle. Luann catches the vibe, and labels them mean girls at a school lunch table, which I find pretty accurate. Bethenny and Carole snark all over John’s clothes, and his “sweaty and misshapen” physique. The party is fabulous, but Bethenny isn’t having fun,  because of the blobby sweaty guy, lurking in the shadows. Bethenny acknowledges the table-bitchiness to Luann, and tells the countess that Carole is uncomfortable. Bethenny thinks that Luann isn’t owning her part of the feud, sort of like Carole not owning her nasty last season tweets. John and Bethenny, and Carole and Luann continue to avoid each other—and Bethenny busts in with a “Moscow Mule” commercial, every few minutes. The guests all sip the drinks obediently—almost in unison.

Ramona makes her exit, happy to have a hot date in the city, so she can ditch this clunker of a party. Bravo plays a ‘Jaws’ type theme song, as the duos circle each other, calculating when to chomp each other’s legs. John makes a move, but Bethenny snubs him, noting that he shouldn’t follow a tiger around, who may lose it, and scratch his Snoopy-eyeballs out. Carole pulls the same shtick with Luann, clearly following the cagey lumberjack’s lead. Dorinda nails the avoidance dances underway—and Carole agrees that this party is the worst. Bethenny hauls out s’mores fixings, dodging John in passing. The ladies sit around the fire and toast marshmallows, and it actually looks enjoyable. The awkwardness between Carole and Luann is palpable, so they finally acknowledge that the reunion smackdown was pretty rough.

Luann swaps seats to hash it out, and Carole looks uncomfortable at Luann’s slut-cooties getting too close. Carole doesn’t want to be friends, because of social media nastiness thrown out by Luann—-EXCUSE ME? I remember some biting Twitter jabs shooting from Carole’s keyboard—and so does Luann. Luann cites the social media war, and Carole rants about being done wrong, as an innocent, dove-like bystander. The pair agrees that they hate each other’s guts, but will play nice for the Bravo cameras. Carole believes she is owed an apology, and that Luann is a mouthy monster. Luann is just happy that she doesn’t have to look at Carole’s sour mug, when she looks in a mirror. Jules is perplexed that she has to have all of these loony women to her home the next day. John catches wind that it’s Bethenny’s birthday, and wishes her a happy day. Bethenny shuts up, swallows her mouth vomit, and for Dorinda’s sake, agrees to give John five minutes.

John admits to being rude at the bra party, and apologizes. Bethenny flattens him for pre meditatively pouncing on her business, and John admits that he was out of line. They grapple over who is the most uneducated, and John tries again, to make peace about an event that he probably barely remembers. Bethenny baits him until he caves, and complains about Bethenny dissing him to Dorinda. John tries once again to shut down the argument, and Bethenny reluctantly accepts, noting that John is such a drunk, that he can’t even grovel effectively. Jules thinks Bethenny is selfish—ironically while she is actually being generous. Dorinda hates her position, and breaks down in tears, over the stress of integrating her big oaf into the gaggle. Luann kindly comforts her, while Bethenny speaks about squelching her repulsion, to keep them all out of the loony bin. Bethenny switches gears, and addresses John, telling him that they are straight. Her  gesture is nice, but hard to believe. Bethenny proclaims the party a success, because she is still standing, and didn’t eviscerate anyone.

It’s the next day, and we find ourselves at the brunch at Jules and Michael’s home. The couple along with John and Dorinda, chat over the broken relationships revealed the day before, while John snitches from the massive buffet. Bethenny and Carole make the long drive to the house, both expressing gasping disgust at schmearing with the rookie, while being in the presence of John’s face. The duo cackles over the mega-house, as they haul a kosher Skinnygirl gift basket, out of their car. John answers, and the bold move immediately threatens the duo’s truce. Bethenny relates the house to the Van Kempen’s rundown Brooklyn home—-bringing back the good ol’ days of red vinyl pants, and stress-induced chest hives.

Bethenny rattles off bossy home renovation advice, proving that she is indeed, the most educated. Jules is offended, and wants her to shut up. Jules isn’t eating, and Bethenny insinuates that the newbie is revealing classic eating disorder signs. Luann and her friend Paul arrive, and Carole throws in a tacky comment, labeling Luann a whore. Carole and Bethenny babble and scheme about making an early exit, and Michael takes them on a mini-tour of the palace, on their way out. The duo scampers to their car, giggling like school girls, escaping a class loser’s party that their parents forced them to attend. Jules noticed Bethenny’s smirks, and Dorinda points out that Carole is Bethenny’s copycat sidekick, and that they were both rude to their hostess. I concur.

It’s Ramona’s birthday next week—does single Ramona turtle-time?

 

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