We open this episode of Southern Charm with Thomas Ravenel showing up at his friend, JD’s, house. As they have a cup of coffee, Thomas spills the tea. After Kathryn Dennis, his baby mama, behaved like a nutball at the polo match, he refused to co-sign her lease. Kathryn was so distraught she started bleeding and went to the hospital. There was talk of the baby being in distress, but Kathryn wasn’t put on bed rest, and after Thomas finally agreed to co-sign, she told him she planned to move in two days. Hmmm. JD wonders if Thomas is being bamboozled. Thomas has decided that if he could manage time in prison, so he can tiptoe around Kathryn until the baby’s born. But make note, Thomas does admit to visiting Kathryn in the hospital. This will come into play later. (Hello, foreshadowing!)
Thomas blames his latest woes with Kathryn on Jennifer Snowden, his one time drunken fling and now Kathryn’s only friend. When Jen sees Thomas on social media, she likes to take screen shots of him and send them to Kathryn. But let’s be fair here, Jen isn’t forcing Thomas to go out on the town, drink too much and hit on twenty-somethings. However, she is putting herself firmly in the middle of Kathryn and Thomas’s drama.
Moving on, Craig Conover is getting ready to take the bar exam. But there’s a glitch. He had to rush out and get his passport photo taken. Now the big question, how does he attach the photo to the application? Velcro or glue? And by the way, he wants to start his own bourbon company. Oh my God. I would never hire Craig in any professional capacity. I hope this boy marries well, because I fear for his future.
Cameran Eubanks meets up for lunch with her girlfriends. Naturally, all talk turns to babies. Cameran doesn’t want kids. She’s too anxious and even had genetic testing done, hoping something was wrong with her. In her mid-thirties, she doesn’t feel equipped to have children. And if she has postpartum depression, like her mother did before her, she’s not eating her placenta, fyi.
Over at Patricia Altschul’s mansion, her party planner is in action, giving her pink flamingo rosé goodness. Twelve dozen baby flamingos—who may or may not be fathered by Thomas—float in the pool. And she’s having a fortune teller, because nothing says “flamingo party” like reading tarot cards!
On party day, Craig and Landon Clements decide to spend their lunch hour at the spa. Since Landon doesn’t work, every hour is happy hour for her. She equates grooming with a being a good person. I’m not even kidding. And this is why I’m not a Landon fan. There’s the laugh and the annoying tone of voice and the fact that she lets her dad fork over money because it’s easier than getting a job. But hey, other than that, I love her to bits!
Craig gets the call from Jen that Kathryn has been in the hospital. She imparted the fact that Kathryn was released from the hospital around dinner time and Thomas was AWOL. Later, this will get interpreted by Craig that Thomas never showed up at all. He totally did. For like, two whole hours, y’all. Upon hearing the news, Craig is upset on Kathryn’s behalf, but Landon nearly has a mini-seizure. How dare Kathryn manipulate everyone with that damn baby? And Landon can’t be bothered. She’s on her way to get her toes polished, bitches. It’s called priorities.
Now why, I’m asking myself, is Landon becoming unhinged by this news? Well, the night of the party, Thomas speaks with his friend, Faux-lando Bloom, and said that Landon had many talents, some of which he was intimately acquainted with. Was this a broad hint that he and Landon did the nasty? I only know that he implied it with a dirty-old-man smirk.
Color me bored, but Patricia’s party does not even pass the Southern Living standard. I could stick some flamingos in my yard, shove a few plastic birds into champagne glass, and serve pink cookies, and I am the world’s saddest party planner. I was underwhelmed by this pink soiree.
At the party, Shep arrives in a ruffled, hot pink shirt. Thomas attempts to flirt with a Miss USA contestant, and Shep invited a girl who appears to be twelve-years-old. Don’t think our Shep plans on leaving with her, though. Shep has the girls lined up, ready at a moment’s notice. All he has to do is pick which one he wants for the night and they come a runnin’. And Landon is absolutely jelly about it.
When Craig shows up, he hits Thomas with the fact that he wasn’t there for Kathryn. By not showing up at the hospital, he’s not giving the pregnant mother of his children the support she needs. Thomas is livid at this bald-faced lie and stomps his way around the garden, sucking down wine like it’s Viagra-infused vitamin water.
Finally, Cameran arrives wearing a furry flamingo on her head, as one would. Shep and his little friend strip down to their undies (Shep takes a minute to fondle his mini Shep and tuck it into submission) and they jump in the pool. Landon is upset, but Patty acts like everything is fine. (It’s totally not. You can hear from her tone how pissed off she is. Her caftan got splashed, people!)
Then Patricia’s friend and designer, Cooper, asks Patricia if she’s upset that he’s befriended Kathryn. She gives him a fake smile and maintains that she’s not angry. (And then she calls him low rent in her voice over.) But Cooper points out that Patricia pretty much slept her way into society, and now she was criticizing Kathryn for trying to do the same thing. Meow, Cooper! Me. Ow.
Cameran asks Shep if he’ll be hooking up later that night and finds the idea of Shep having sex so amusing, she falls over backwards into the boxwoods. With her legs straight up in the air, Shep scales the hedges and helps her to her feet.
At last, Jen shows up and Thomas calls her a piece of trash. Ex-squeeze me? Didn’t he screw this woman? But he’s not feeling amorous tonight. He wants nothing more than to pick Jen up and hurl her into the pool. JD laughingly tells T-Rav he’ll rack up another assault charge if he does that. Um, I’m not laughing JD. This is your AARP card-carrying bud we’re talking about. He’s far too old to be pulling this kind of shit, but T-Rav doesn’t care. He has his money and his name to back him up.
Thomas makes a beeline to Jen and confronts her, angry that she’s spreading rumors about him not showing up at the hospital. Jen tries to backtrack, but Bravo has footage. Now as I stated above, I believe Jen was talking about Kathryn’s dismissal from the hospital. Jen states that she meant he didn’t spend the night. Nevertheless, T-Rav starts getting louder, angrier, and accuses Jen of putting Kathryn at risk by getting her worked up. When Jen offers to call Kathryn right then and there to clear the air, Thomas becomes even more confrontational.
As he demands that Patricia throw Jen out of the party, Jen sneaks off to the shadows. She phones Kathryn and gives her the scoop. Patricia says Jen is a spy and Kathryn’s only girl pal leaves, protesting her innocence. Thomas maintains that Jen is messing with his family.
There’s no hero in this story. Thomas is awful and takes no responsibility for his actions. Kathryn causes unnecessary drama and is using those kids against him. And Jen is stirring the pot by gossiping about T-Rav. I’d wash my hands of the whole crew, but you know I’ll be back next week, waiting to see what happens.
So what’s your take on this baby mama drama? Are there any winners? And do we ever need to see Shep in his skivvies again?