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RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — LeeAnne Takes On Cary & Stephanie Over Brandi’s Poop Hat [Season 1, Episode 3]

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We’re back for yet another fun rodeo with the Real Housewives of Dallas. The episode begins with some boring shots of sad Brandi watching her husband Bryan pack for yet another business trip. After getting to know Brandi these last several weeks, I totally get why he chooses to work elsewhere. And LeeAnne and Rich are wrapping gifts for his daughter Elise’s 17th birthday. LeeAnne thanks God for a man like Rich who will pay her bills put up with her craziness.

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But the real fun begins with Brandi and Stephanie on a girl’s date night. Brandi wishes Stephanie were a lesbian, but Stephanie’s husband didn’t put that on a list, so it’s no-go. The girls call Cary and ask her to stop by and join them getting white-girl-wasted. What’s that you ask? A drunk girl who can’t dance pretending to be 21. So special. Cary shows up dressed like a woman on the prowl. We learn that her first marriage lasted only a couple of years and the second marriage lasted only a couple of months. Oopsie. HEY Y’ALL, let’s go to a strip club!

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Across town, Rich, LeeAnne and Elise are having a perfectly lovely evening discussing perfectly lovely things, embarrassing the perfectly lovely birthday girl about having a boyfriend for the past two months. BTW, Rich accidentally killed LeeAnne’s grandmother. Apparently she went to Heaven when LeeAnne met Rich because she knew her bills would be paid all would be well on Earth.

Party time! You’ve heard of the Thunder from Down Under? Well this ain’t them. Brandi gets on stage to show the guys how to dance like a drunk mother-funder. She climbs onto one guy, wraps her legs around him, twisting and grinding, dancing to fill her bottomless pit of need. Do these women know how to party or what!

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Later that week, Tiffany shows up at LeeAnne’s boyfriend’s house for some day-drinking. They discuss the rudeness of Mad Hatter, though Tiffany is over it. She’s Zen now. LeeAnne has called for a luncheon with Cary and Stephanie to explain the perils of hanging around trash named Brandi. But on the upside, Brandi does put the ass in class.

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Across town, Brandi and Stephanie are sucking on Jesus juice and watching their toddlers play on a motorized car next to a busy street. Mothering at its best. Then Brandi starts to cry. She says that she confessed to Bryan her sins at the strip club (because it was on tape) and they have that kind of honest (not really) relationship. He’s not too happy with his ex-cheerleader. Stephanie ponders why men don’t understand the difference between guys’ strip clubs and girls’. Stephanie, if you were a real friend, you would have been on that stage with Brandi.

Over at Tiffany and Aaron’s we learn that Aaron has traded-in rock stardom in LA, for charity gigs in Dallas. Poor guy. Tiffany announces she needs new friends and she’d like to start with Cary – someone LeeAnne doesn’t approve of. Tiffany asks Cary to be on her V-blog Sanctuary of Style to show off her closet, which is interesting, but it turns out her husband Mark is the fashionista in the family. What can’t this man do? He cooks, he sews neck waddle, and knows more about tacky fashion than Cary does. Plus he’s lost 80 pounds. Cary has finally figured out how to mold a man. Third times the charm!

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Brandi’s mom pops in for a bloody-Mary visit, and bless her heart, she’s been carrying a lie for the last 36 years. Turns out her daddy didn’t disown her after getting pregnant at 15. It was Brandi’s mom who disowned him for divorcing her mama. Now G-Pa wants to be in Brandi and her kids’ lives. Pass the vodka, these drinks ain’t strong enough.

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Back to the besties, Cary and Mark and Aaron and Tiffany as they discuss future webisodes starring Mark and his closet. Cary tells Tiffany she’s glad to finally meet someone cool in Dallas because cool women in Dallas are “few and far between.” She is not going to popular today. Tiffany correctly observes this as a dig at LeeAnne, but for now chooses to let it slide.

We have a meaningless meeting between Tiffany and LeeAnne as do charity work at Rich’s house. Tiffany tells LeeAnne how much fun Cary is. Not funny ha-ha. But funny ho-ho. You see the difference. But Tiff just wants to be friends with everyone and sing kumbaya while her husband Aaron plays the guitar in their rented garage. LeeAnne gives some speech about having a front door to keep the drama out, but we all know it’s to keep the mosquitos out. Everything’s bigger and better in Texas, right y’all?

Over at Brandi’s, Bryan is back in town and things are a little on the frigid side between them. Brandi says that Bryan used to party 24/7, but now he’s jealous that only she gets to party 24/7. He’s concerned her reputation could ruin his business reputation. But between you and me, you know there was a time when Bryan loved telling people his wife was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. So now she’s a part-time stripper. Things change. Get over it, Bryan.

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Across town, Cary and Stephanie are going to the café to have lunch and a lesson with LeeAnne. The topic is: how to be appropriate. Won’t this be fun? Cary has been assisting boob operations for five hours, but feels that LeeAnne is the biggest boob of all. Yawn at the bitchfest. Even Stephanie, though very confused, isn’t compelled to end her friendship/future lesbian relationship with Brandi. LeeAnne starts talking about bowing at her and she’ll bow right back. The ladies aren’t moved, frankly because they don’t know what the hell LeeAnne is bowing about.

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Cary explains that fake dog poop on a hat isn’t inappropriate, like say a dildo would be. Here’s the thing, the carny kid doesn’t like the stripper, though LeeAnne claims it’s about raising funds for these nice charities. Cary is fed up and asks why LeeAnne cares? It’s not like she was born into Dallas society – which is apparently similar to Great Britain’s royalty – but why fight about it. Then LeeAnne says, “If you think this is a fight, you don’t effin know me.”

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LeeAnne gets up and leaves without eating, which, talk about inappropriate. Stephanie and Cary are over it before LeeAnne can get in her car and drive away.

 

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