The hour has come when Beverly Hills etiquette turns to sequins and tears, fake friendships are tested and trampled, and a season is rehashed in gaudy decor.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion has arrived, and my fingers are crossed, in hopes that the couch hysteria will match the hype.
1. The Wardrobe
The wardrobe is a mixed bag. Rinna and Kathryn look understated, but nice. Kyle is wearing the usual—a dress that is two sizes too small. Yolanda’s number resembles a losing ‘Project Runway’ pantyhose challenge, and Erika looks like a cheap Vegas hooker, in a borrowed dress. Lisa Vanderpump is wearing a protective shiny dress of armor, and Eileen tries to pull off sassy, but looks hopelessly dated.
2. Erika Pats The Puss
Erika credits her porny dance queen persona, for giving life to her soul. Kyle is impressed with Erika’s grandhusband, because his wallet is open to making her raunchy dreams come true. I hope that I never hear the phrase “pat the puss” again, for as long as I live.
3. The Proud Mommy
Yolanda is a #proudmommy to two of the most beautiful, and kinda naked models in the universe. Anwar is on his way, but isn’t as breathtaking as the Malibu fridge.
4. Yolanda’s Divorce
Yolanda and David’s divorce was triggered by her chronic illness, that chronically drained David’s bank account. The shift was all Yolanda’s fault, and no one better dare criticize the couple’s treasured marriage journey. Yolanda managed to be blindsided by the split, but a participant in the decision—a sure sign of Lyme-brain bounce-back. Yolanda sharply remembers the exact date of the “discussion,” that she pegs as the fatal tick bite on their love story. She blames the disease for the collapse of her fairy tale, and wouldn’t be at all surprised if the same thing happened to Lisa and Ken. There is no mention of who was awarded custody of Yo’s bloody boob baby. The furniture and dusty fake artichokes, sold with the house.
5. Yolanda’s Hormones
Yolanda has vibrant hormones, courtesy of meno-butt testing by Daisy. Yolanda admits to “circumstantial” depression, and assures us that the only remarriage she is interested in, is to the front rows of the Paris runways.
6. Yolanda Butts In
Yolanda obnoxiously butts into almost every exchange, correcting and disciplining the cast. Not surprisingly, she is particularly snippy with Lisa Vanderpump. If Brandi was still on the roster, she would have puked out a STFU, involuntarily.
7. Kyle Defends Faye
Kyle passionately defends Faye Resnick, surely annoying Kim Richards, and as well as the self-obsessed nag to her right. Kyle tries to diminish Kathryn’s scarred feelings of disdain for Faye and her sleazy book, claiming that Faye’s Bravo battle wounds put Kathryn’s scars to shame. Kathryn blasts Kyle for comparing invited drama, to being deliberately targeted by a trashy coke-whore. I am cheering.
8. Yolanda Sprints For The Cameras
Yolanda comments that she can only swim and sprint around Beverly Hills, when the cameras require her to forget that she’s sick. Rinna labels Yolanda’s Instagram sickie-pics as uninspiring, especially to her sane followers.
9. Lisa Rinna Vs. Lisa Vanderpump
Rinna brazenly claims that she never wanted to bring up the Munchausen rumor. She bellows over Lisa’s denials, asserting that Lisa called her at home, to force her into being a raging blabbermouth. Rinna is good at jumping around while waving papers, but can’t distinguish between the words “rarely” and “never.” Lisa denies the silly accusations, and Kathryn takes cover behind a pillow, in case Rinna loses it, and things get ugly.
10. Erika Basks In Vanderpump Shade
Erika looks delighted, when Rinna accuses Lisa of snarking about Yolanda’s plotted storyline. Erika excitedly says “bitch” with a happy grin on her face, while her heartbroken bestie, blots away a couple of tears. Who knew that this reunion business could be so much FUN!!
Yolanda breaks her promise, and leaves the couch, with her gold and giddy hired cheerleader, skipping out behind her. Dramatic music accompanies Yolanda’s indignant shuffle and offstage door slam. GASP!
Tune in next week, when we will find out if Erika manages to wipe the goofy grin off of her face, and hear an update from Kim Richards. Don’t miss it!