Hello, Southern Charmers. As morning dawns in Charleston, Shep Rose wakes up alone, Thomas Ravenel plays polo, and Kathryn Dennis has left her kids God knows where to spend the night with her friend, Jen. Jen has been a friend of the Charmed Ones for three seasons now. In this episode, we also find out she hooked up with Thomas when he was still with Kathryn. Hmmm. Is this the most incestuous city ever?
We watch as Kathryn meets the day with complaints about Thomas’s lack of support—financial support that is. Then the scene flips to T-Rav, in a he said/she said back and forth. He claims that while he’s not lawfully obliged to give her money for the baby, seeing as they never married, he’s ponied up twenty-five hundred a month. Kathryn counters that he’s only paid the last two months and it’s not enough to live on.
Girl, he doesn’t owe you a living. Those babies are not a paycheck. I don’t like the way Kathryn is holding baby Kenzie hostage for more money. Thomas may not be the best dad on the planet—i.e putting the kid in her playpen with an entire bag of gold fish and then ignoring her to chat with the nanny about what a horrible mom Kathryn is—nevertheless, honey, you picked him not once, but twice. So shutteth thy pie hole and get thee a job.
Kathryn thinks everyone believes she’s a gold digger. Why, yes. Yes, they do. Mainly because she refuses to work and keeps letting his sperm fertilize her ripe eggs.
Moving on now. Cameran Eubanks is settling into married life. We still haven’t met her husband, Jason, but apparently he has baby fever. Cameran—not so much. And though she’s a working woman, she wants to try her hand at a few domestic skills to keep her husband happy. Therefore, she decides to host a dinner party. Not a catered dinner party. No, Cameran wants to cook all the food herself. There’s just one catch. She never cooks. So naturally, Cameran heads over to Patricia Altschul’s home for advice. Somehow, Cameran has found herself in Patricia’s elite inner circle. Probably by shit talking T-Rav and Kathryn.
Patricia greets Cameran with a new intern (in a very Sonja Morgan-esque fashion) and a new pet hedgehog (what now?). The latter has a teeny tiny penis, in case you were wondering. And you know you were, you naughty minx. Patricia says Cameran is in desperate need of domestic training, but Patty is willing to help by bringing her butler to the dinner. After all, he makes a mean martini. How this is supposed to help Cameran’s cooking skills, I don’t know, but maybe his martinis are so strong, everyone will forget how bad the food is.
Now we watch as Shep heads over to Landon Clements’ new place. If you’ll remember from last week, she lives down the block from T-Rav. She claims she bought the house by making money from her pop up shop, but after seeing some of her paintings (look, black trees on blue background!) I’m not convinced. Neither is Shep. He tells her to her face that some of her work is crap. He declares that Landon has an allergy to hard work and is “flighty”. That might be a problem since she needs money ASAP. Still, life is too short for a mundane job. Landon wants to start a lifestyle magazine in a world where print is dying. Okay then.
Back to Craig Conover. Last year, he didn’t have enough credits to take the bar exam, but now he’s up to snuff and ready to become a lawyer for reals. In the meantime, he needs a job and some money if he wants to live in a rent-free home owned by his girlfriend’s rich parents. So he heads off to JD’s office. T-Rav’s bestie has offered Craig a buy-in with his business, Gentry Hospitality. They have holdings in a salons and restaurants and such. Craig puts up a cool fifteen grand cash and will work as a project manager in sweat equity. I’m not sure if this is a good idea. I like JD, but his best friend is Thomas Ravenel. That shows a serious lack of judgment.
Later, Craig meets up with Shep for a drink at a local watering hole. It seems Shep has invited three different women to join him. Landon and her friend show up wearing lookalike Indiana Jones fedoras. Another woman joins them, and poor whiny-voiced Landon is pushed aside. She complains that she introduces her friends to Shep and then he hooks up with them. Here’s a little tip, Landon: if that bothers you, stop introducing your friends to a man whore. Just a thought.
Cameran doesn’t have time to socialize with the group. She has a dinner party to plan, so she plans a playdate Suzanne, a woman who teaches other women how to cook and carve chicken. At a swanky butcher’s shop, Cameran buys a huge hunk of beef and is berated for not knowing how the difference between coarse salt from the iodine variety.
Across town, Patricia and her middle-aged, Botoxed son, Whitney Sudler-Smith, are driven to a trendy French restaurant for dinner with T-Rav. Thomas murders the French language and Whitney acts embarrassed. Then to show Thomas up, he speaks to the waiter in fluent Français. Patricia doesn’t bat an eye as she whips out a pair of hipster pens nez, because reading glasses with earpieces are so 2015. Over shrimp and duck, they talk about what a horrible mother Kathryn is and how she’s keeping the children from Thomas. Patricia shared custody with her ex, and look how well Whitney turned out. Hmm, a failed restaurateur who plays with a band name Renob. That’s boner spelled backwards, kids. Yeah, he’s a special snowflake, all right.
But Kathryn is tired of waiting for Thomas to get his shit together. She’s ready to move into a house with her babies. I know our girl isn’t buying, because she’s been living with her parents for months now, all the while endlessly complaining that Thomas isn’t taking care of her. Rent to own, perhaps?
She decides to stop by Craig’s place, since she’s in the neighborhood. However, because Craig and Naomie are on their way to Cameran’s dinner party, things get awkward. Kathryn is devastated to find out that she wasn’t invited and sends Craig with a message to the Charmed Ones. She’s ready to make amends. She wants to be back in the clique.
Before the guests arrive, domestic goddess, Suzanne, shows up at Cameran’s house where she finds all sorts of cookware still packed in their original boxes. Oh, that Cameran. So quirky.
Though married for two years, she hasn’t unpacked because she never cooks. Appalled, Suzanne quickly gives directions on how to stick beef in the oven.
Patricia arrives first. Her butler, Michael, carries her purse because in it are the ingredients for martinis. She also has brought along stamped place cards, like you do when you go to a dinner party. Just a side note: who are these people?!
Everyone shows up and Michael pours the wine. The beef is beyond rare. It looks raw and full of uncooked bacteria. When a guest steals Patricia’s end piece, Cameran literally spears it off the plate and serves it to Patricia. So much for conquering the domestic arts. Then the real roasting begins.
Patricia declares that because of emojis and one night stands, Western civilization has gone to hell. She prefers the days where women acted coy and wore chastity belts. And speaking of hussies, Craig brings ups Kathryn. Why wasn’t she invited to partake of undercooked beef?
Cameran states that she doesn’t have the time for Kathryn’s drama. She needs to tend to her offspring and leave partying to the fabulous people. Craig tries to defend his ginger friend, but the group isn’t having it.
And there you are. Episode number two in the can. So what did you think? Is Kathryn withholding the baby? Is Thomas an ass for only paying two months’ support? Does Landon’s art suck as much as I think it does? And should Cameran be allowed in a kitchen ever again?