RECAP: Real Housewives of Dallas — Brandi Redmond Slams LeeAnne Locken’s Charity Work [Season 1, Episode 1]

Howdy, y’all! Welcome to Texas and the premier of The Real Housewives of Dallas. Drinking game alert! When you hear the words: Jesus juice, take a chug of your Jesus juice, and let’s have some fun with the women of Stepford Dallas!

We begin with Brandi Redmond, the beautiful, strawberry-blonde, former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader who is now a stay at home mom to two adorable redheaded daughters. Her husband Bryan, who is also a ginger, travels for business 90% of the time. This might be the only time we see him, folks, because next he’ll become a multi-millionaire and then die and get buried a golf course, according to his loving wife. When Brandi speaks she has this annoyingly cute way of lifting her voice higher at the end of her sentences.

Next we meet LeeAnne Locken and bff Tiffany Hendra as they shop for the never ending need for charity dresses. It’s spring charity season, y’all, and if you’re caught in the same dress twice they tar and feather you in Dallas. LeeAnne is the “Mouth from the South” and her job is to charity hop. I don’t know how you make a living at that, but it might have something to do with growing up “on the dark side of the carny.” Instantly I envision LeeAnne on the high-trapeze, but LeeAnne says the “dark side” is what has prepared her to be the bright star of Dallas high society.

We meet Cary Deuber next and she’s a certified nurse first assistant. She works with her husband, Mark, after stalking him to get the job prior to their marriage. Her husband Mark Dueber is “the” sought after plastic surgeon also known as “Boob Deub” doing his part to turn the Big-D into the Big Double-D. Cary will be hosting the first charity “trunk” event this season for women who need breast reconstruction after a mastectomy. Great cause! Mark is Cary’s third husband, and although all of Dallas think the two of them had an affair at work, they did not. Okay, y’all. It’s just not true. Really. It’s not. So stop thinking it, okay, y’all?

Brandi stops by her bff Stephanie Hollman’s house for some Jesus juice and fellowship time. With all their money, Stephanie needs to buy a better Jesus juice bottle opener – one that won’t clock her in the eye when she pulls the cork. Stephanie enlists the help of Brandi to help her tackle the list her husband has left so she can “earn” her money. Brandi doesn’t understand why Stephanie doesn’t steal it like she does, but being the good friend, tries to help program the garage door opener. Can I just say, Stephanie’s husband has a wicked since of humor. Hilarity ensues as Laverne and Shirley get nothing accomplished except barely riding a kids’ scooter while not spilling the Jesus juice.

We are now home with Stephanie and her husband Travis. They love two things: church and Jesus juice. Both of them. In that order. The cornerstone of their relationship is built on that. They live on the 3^rd hole of the Four Seasons Country Club. Fan-cee. Travis undermines Stephanie’s packing abilities for the upcoming ski trip during breakfast. According to Stephanie, Travis wants her to be just like his good ole (rich) mom. But can his mom fart on demand like his talented wife? Probably not. On the way to driving her two sweet boys to school, one has a meltdown because he needs to poop. Jesus take the wheel and give her the juice.

It’s time for the trunk show at Cary and Mark’s house where there’s a bit of a role reversal. Mark likes to cook, shop, and make things pretty at home just like at the office. Their home quickly fills with the other society ladies. Cary thanks everyone for supporting new boobs. LeeAnne doesn’t approve of the conversation Brandi and Stephanie are having with friends about stretched vaginas and pooped deliveries. Eww. But these girls do know how to have a great time wherever they are.

Tiffany Hendra and her rocker husband, Aaron have just moved to Dallas so she can be close to family. Besides, Tiffany’s done with the LA scene, and all the modeling, and acting, and cocaine, and Crystal, and private jets, bless her heart. Tiffany asks Aaron if they made the right decision to move to Dallas, and he says, yes, even though he would do so much better as a musician in Austin. Aaron is Tiffany’s rock – and roll. Ba-dum-tisk. But these two still look like a couple in love. Tiffany takes Aaron to the Guitar Sanctuary to buy him a “real” Texas guitar and he serenades her with a song.

We join LeeAnne who lives with her police officer boyfriend of six years, Rich, in their very humble home. LeeAnn has never been married and Rich has been married a few times. And though LeeAnne may not be a millionaire or a thousandaire, she is rich with charitable cache that can’t be measured. LeeAnne reminds Rich about the next charity event the following night at Marie’s house and he balks at going because Brandi will be there. LeeAnne hopes to marry Rich “someday” though Rich’s “someday” probably isn’t the same as LeeAnne’s “someday.”

Over at Brandi’s house, she is getting ready for the charity event, though she doesn’t know what it’s for.  She’s torn because it’s an important cause, whatever it is, but it’s also a Friday night, and damn it, girls just wanna have fun. Bring on the Jesus juice, Stephanie. Oh and by the by, Stephanie blabbed to Cary that you can impersonate LeeAnne. Stephanie thinks it’s a great idea for Brandi to do the LeeAnne-impression tonight because it’s fun making fun of people.

So we are at Marie’s house and you know that saying about everything being bigger and better in Texas? It’s Marie’s kitchen they are talking about. The charity is called the No Tie Charity Event. Guess what you are not supposed to wear? After announcements and dinner, word has gotten out about Brandi’s impersonations, but now it’s being called, mimicking. Brandi doesn’t want to do the mimic. Tiffany tells her to drink some more Jesus juice and she’ll come back around and ask again. But LeeAnne doesn’t wait. She tells the ladies they are “cute as pie.”

And the weirdest argument takes place. It’s all done with scathing insults masked as caring compliments. Brandi and LeeAnne sit down to get to the bottom of this. LeeAnne accepts Brandi for her comedic talent. Brandi is worried about LeeAnne, sharing her story to HIV survivors when she doesn’t have HIV. LeeAnne says loud and aggressive is who she is. Brandi suggests who she is, is insecure. LeeAnne tells Brandi how sweet she is to worry about her. Brandi says she feels sorry for LeeAnne and could probably recommend some professional help. LeeAnne says thank you for the attack.

Emboldened by her Jesus juice, Brandi tells LeeAnne that too much money is spent on the event and not enough of the money is going to the actual charity. LeeAnne excuses herself to go scrub the dishes and Brandi leaves in a huff.

Tune in next week for more charities and messiness. And hopefully another knee-slapping good time. Tell us what you thought of the first episode.

 

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