RECAP: Real Housewives of New York — Bethenny Frankel Insults Jules Wainstein’s Size [Season 8, Episode 1]

I am going bi-coastal for a couple of weeks, and am so excited to be tackling my first season of The Real Housewives of New York! Bravo promises that my first romp in NYC will be CRAY CRAY—which is right up my alley! The premiere episode kicks off in Bethenny Frankel’s scrumptious pad, where we watch Dorinda Medley pop in for a visit. Bethenny is rocking a cute new do, as she takes Dorinda on a grand tour. The place is super vanilla-creamy, but indeed lovely. Her closet is meticulously organized, and snazzy. Little Brynn’s art saves the space from being an ice princess’s urban paradise. Dorinda brags about being on the wagon, while requesting a glass of wine.

Bethenny smiles and notes that she witnessed her radiantly sober skin knock back a few, during the off-season. Bethenny lets us know that due to the fact that waiting for a finalized divorce would land her as a senior citizen prowler, she is currently dating. The pair discuss an upcoming luncheon, and who to include on the guest list. A cast rookie is bantered about, a gal described as a tall, skinny, upper east sidey gal, named Jules. We learn that Carole and Adam are still an item, and have become sluggish and boring—as if everyone can’t tell just by looking at them. Adam is a bohemian herb tosser, probably in more ways than one. Dorinda warns Bethenny to not comment on Jules’ hubby’s shrimpy status, and they agree to pollute the rookie, straight away.

We catch up with the snoozy lovers, Carole and Adam, who are camera lens shopping, and cuddling their new dog, wait for it—a pup named “Baby.” Carole is having senior nesting urges, and a new puppy has been just the ticket. The puppy strangely looks like Carole, so I applaud her choice. Adam is traveling to Ethiopia, and Carole will miss all of the herbal pillow talk. Blech. We jump over to Ramona, who is vamping it up to hit the single’s scene. Mario is in the past, and Ramona is just waiting for her divorce to be final.

We get a glimpse of Ramona in action, as Avery, along with a pal, arrive at the bar. Avery is a shocking 21 years old, and she and her mother are relating on a whole new level. Ramona can’t place Avery’s friend, and we are reminded of her daughter’s classic expression of utter disgust. Ramona’s first nuzzle-target buys her a drink—so Ramona ignores Avery’s grimacing raised eyebrow.

We catch up with Luann, who tells us that because of her kids being off at college, she has let go of her place in the city. Sonja’s daughter is away at boarding school, and she has offered Luann a place to crash, whenever she is in the city. Slumber party FUN!! The women chat about men, and Luann dishes about her downtown date, later in the evening. Sonja lays down the ‘no pirates in her kid’s bed’ rule, and Luann promises to try her best. They discuss their heritage, and we learn that Luann has Eskimo teeth, which inhibit her oral activity. Good to know.

Ramona and Bethenny meet up, and they discuss Bethenny’s sexless existence, even though she is blessed with cooperative teeth. Bethenny dishes about seeing Luann and Sonja at a dinner, falling down drunk. Ramona has distanced herself from Sonja, because she doesn’t want to be associated with a tipsy gal, who tends to grope married men. The girls discuss Dorinda and John, and Bethenny muses that she likes Dorinda, when she doesn’t act like a tanked lunatic. Dorinda and John party like frat brothers, and Ramona adds that she thinks that Dorinda is a classier drunk than John. Both women believe that John is shady, and wish that Dorinda would drop the relationship sales pitches.

Enter the newest Bravo New Yorker—Julianne Wainstein. We get our first glimpse of Jules and husband, Michael’s place, and meet Rio and Jagger, the couple’s young children. The kiddos are darling. Jules has a live in nanny, a woman named Ana, and a housekeeper. Jules shares that she is half Japanese, and her husband is Columbian. Michael arrives home, and we learn that he is a venture capitalist, who works in the same building. He is handsome, but appears to be vertically challenged. That being said, a secure personality will make such a trait disappear in my eyes—so fingers crossed! The couple once enjoyed a dazzling globetrotting schedule, until having kids ruined everything. The family enjoys a nice dinner of fried broccoli and popsicles.

We jump to the party animals, Dorinda and John, who are having their monthly anniversary dinner. John proudly hands out a fiver to a man on the street, hoping that Bravo doesn’t cut the footage. Dorinda ditches her no drinking status, while she reminds us that John loves to grope, and she loves to shove him away. Her daughter, Hannah, still isn’t thrilled about John, but Hannah will be moving out soon, so Dorinda is contemplating living with her boozy, show-off lover. 

We get a look at Bethenny’s chic new office space, as she meets with her employees about shaking up her business strategies. Bethenny explains that she is still paying for her old apartment, because her divorce, like the bills, never end.

Carole and Ramona meet up, and homebody Carole is surprised by Ramona’s sexpot new look. Ramona fills her in, dishing about her hot new night life, infused with Jazz/Reggay, aka Reggae, musical influences. Professor Carole sets her straight, loftily amused by Ramona’s pronunciation and geographical struggles. She whips out the word “malapropism”—to convince us all that she’s a REAL writer. Carole masks her condescension with giggles, and it’s snotty and annoying.

Carole shares that she’s been nesting, which explains her urban, dirty laundry look. Ramona goes out every night, and is clearly enjoying the single life. She explains that she was able to pay her dirty cheating husband off, in order to keep her NYC apartment, and her beloved home in the Hamptons. Good for her. Ramona shares that they knocked out the divorce in four months, and while she and Mario don’t speak, he maintains a healthy relationship with Avery. Ramona claims a more relaxed reality, but Carole isn’t so sure. What fun would that be? Ramona jabbers 90 mph, and it bugs Carole that no one is asking about the herb throwing, couch flopper. Ramona loves her own bubbly personality, but Carole thinks that she needs a tranquilizer, and a dictionary. 

The luncheon is underway, and Bethenny and her plus one, Jon, join John and Dorinda. Jon reminds Dorinda of Jason, and Bethenny assures her that they are keeping things casual, especially because he isn’t well-hung,  anyway. Jules and Michael arrive, and Jules and Bethenny get reacquainted. Bethenny pummels the couple with questions before they can even take off their coats. Jules explains that she is a stay at home mom, and then defends her life choice, like she is in the debate of her life. We learn that the family maintains a kosher home, and Bethenny’s interest is piqued by the notion of meticulously separated dinnerware. Bethenny claims to be kinda Jewish—because she is a loaded complainer. Bethenny informs us that John has a sleazy dry cleaney vibe, but that Dorinda is a lot of fun.

Bethenny spills about an upsetting incident in the Hamptons over the summer, involving the plastered couple. Dorinda is annoyed that she brought up her loudest incident of her fake sobriety. The two women turn their attention on Jules, who is attacking her index card sized meal. The pair proclaim Jules far too thin, and her husband far too short. Bethenny notes that due to her own skeleton status, so we should trust her when she says, that Jules is one skinny Jewish chick. 

Next week, the women continue to banter about John, and friendships are already loudly strained. See you next week!

 

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