RECAP: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills — Brandi Glanville Slams Lisa Rinna [Season 6, Ep 17]

When we join the ladies of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Yolanda and Erika are getting prettied up for the National Lyme Alliance gala, in NYC. Yolanda is nervous, because she has to put on a bra, and her face is ordinary, and not jacked up on botox. Erika’s staff purrs over her amazing beauty, earning their grandhusband-signed paychecks. In honor of the serious occasion, Erika chooses her tabletop doggie pose, for a few photos. In amusing contrast, Kyle walks in during the session, dressed in a weird pilgrim/french maid number. Kathryn, Kyle and Erika arrive at the event, and are shocked to see that there are this many people in the country, who care about Lyme disease. They all gawk at the gorgeous Hadid kids on the red carpet, as Kyle shares that she is busting to bloom in her Lyme awareness. The event does the trick, because as different speakers share their thoughts, Kyle acts like she has been struck by lightning, controlling her tears with her pilgrim cuffs. She proclaims that Rinna is lower than a fat-lipped slug for using the ‘M’ word, and that she wishes that she would have slapped that phone definition out of her bony hand.

TheGigi delivers a heartfelt speech, proudly introducing her mother. Yolanda is moved by the beauty of her daughter’s words, as she takes the podium. She thanks Gigi for becoming a “THE,” and thanks her King for hanging with her, with his “actions,” rather than his cranky words. Isn’t this the same woman who demanded love letters from David, rather than gifts? Yolanda announces that her two youngest are Lyme-infected, as Anwar sits expressionless, probably hoping that a trap floorboard will swallow him whole. Kyle caves like a weak adolescent, sharing that she feels guilt at daring to breathe Lyme and Hadid in the same sentence. Bravo expectedly throws Lisa under the bus, in a couple of flashback clips. YAWN. Yolanda assures the audience that she will never give up searching the globe for a cure—and since a divorce is on the horizon, she throws in the word “affordable.” Erika believes that the shindig closes all doors of doubt, and she wishes Rinna could be there, to be showered in the shame of truth.

Kyle slips in that she got DRAGGED into the Munchausen convo, and is still upset that her rogue ears were interested. Kathryn whips out her party charm, and lays partial blame on Lisa. Kyle threatens to bite off Lisa’s pink head, if she utters one word against Yolanda—different season, same old silly Kyle. Kyle blabbers her reevaluated feelings to Yolanda, who is delighted that Kyle has emotionally caved. My eye keeps being drawn back that big black dot on Yolanda’s dress—perhaps a nod to evil ticks? 

We pop over to Lisa, who is chatting with her son Max. Lisa requires Max to work at Sur, when he really wants to chill, and play guitar all day. Max is a laid back soul, and Lisa rewards his efforts to fight his nature, with a snazzy new jeep. It’s a darling mommy/son moment—especially when illustrated with an adorable picture of Lisa, when she was five years old. Loved it.

We join Rinna and Harry, who are packing for Lisa’s trip to Dubai, then jump to Eileen straddling Vinnie, probably trying to lift his wallet. Rinna is concerned about having to stifle her cursing and bird flipping, and the ladies share strategies on how best to survive in a scary,  foreign prison. Rinna and Eileen are worried about their kids, and assume that their husbands are complete dolts, who will forget meals.

Over at Erika’s, her servants gather to help their porn-princess pack. They peruse Erika’s “look book,” and hash out what character Erika should spring on Dubai. We learn that her glam squad is coming along, so she can maintain her blow-up doll aesthetic, overseas. The scene is utterly ridiculous.

The women arrive at the airport, and Erika has two trunk size suitcases, presumably packed with the look-book verdicts. Travel-Erika looks the cutest I have ever seen her, but Eileen is oddly dressed like a farmer, ready to harvest her crops. The group arrives in Atlanta, and are quickly shuttled onto the 14 hour overseas flight. They arrive in Dubai, and take in the luxe scenery.

We jump back to Cali, where Yolanda and David take fans to say goodbye to their beloved fridge, along with their fake produce. The Malibu house has sold, and we take a moment, to remember the shhhh-ing good times. The couple exchange a few tense words, and it’s obvious that all isn’t well in the Foster kingdom.

Back in Dubai, the women arrive at the hotel, and the place is beyond spectacular. The women are shown their rooms, and their lodging is enormous, and insanely luxurious.

We all knew it was coming—Brandi Glanville’s white butt arrives to visit Yolanda—ready for it’s five in the lost spotlight. Yolanda informs us that Brandi is the real deal, because she never “manipulates thoughts”—possibly because her thoughts are rarely sober. Brandi shares about a blind Tinder date with a stumpy-armed man—a reminder of the tacky tidbits that we are missing, by happily having her white behind GONE. Yolanda tells Brandi that she and David are making rather crabby and challenging lemonade, out of their soured relationship.

Brandi shares her take on the  marriage, wearing her solid gold dancer costume, and jewelry from the Erika Jayne collection. Bravo brings on the awkwardness, and reminds us of a few of the most cringeworthy “my luuuuv” moments. They chat about Rinna being  angry about Yolanda’s lunch with the slut-drunk, and junkie-shoplifter, and Brandi snarks some rehearsed line, labeling Rinna a poopy wig-glue sniffer. The jab is juvenile, but Yolanda giggles scandalously, at the clunker. Brandi takes a deep breath, and gives it her all—dissing Rinna in a mini-rant, in a desperate talking head. Brandi keeps her Bravo re-audition going, and continues to jabber about Rinna—cramming in as many insults as she can, before someone yells “CUT.” The hair jabs fall flat, especially considering that Brandi’s talking head hair, is an odd shade of marshmallow-peep yellow.

Back in Dubai, the women check out their insane rooms, including one that is in an aquarium. It is AMAZING. The ladies all get ready for dinner, and get into their fancy cultural dresses. Lisa is excited to let it all hang out, and decides that she has finally gained legit moo-moo awareness. The women all gather and warmly greet each other—their dresses all more attractive versions, of Kyle’s Season 4 wardrobe. Lisa looks dreamy. Kyle gifts the ladies with bonus caftans, and Kathryn half-heartedly agrees to put hers on. The women are served and dig into the fancy spread, while lying that they wish Yolanda could have come.

Kyle, Erika and Kathryn gush about the beautiful ecstasy of becoming more Lyme-sensitive, and obnoxiously imply that Rinna missed a leaning experience. Rinna is annoyed, and comments that Yo uses her illness as a pass, to pick and choose her commitments. Erika nags Rinna for not drinking the Lyme-aid, and Eileen brings back their epic convo on the beach. Eileen nags Rinna to keep on talking, and Rinna simply states that Yolanda bugs the living crap out of her, with her hypocritical standards, and her Brandi-love.

Rinna is peeved by Yo’s shirking one dinner invite for a trashy lunch, and Erika reminds her that she doesn’t care if Yolanda ever comes to her flop dinner parties. They decide to change the boring subject, and end the evening by looking at the gorgeous view.

Next week, the moo-moos explore Dubai, and Lisa makes out with a romantic seal. See you in Dubai!

 

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