We kick off The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at Lisa Vanderpump’s place, where Kyle is popping in for a spot of tea, and a filmed spat. Lisa blasts Kyle for inviting her most morally corrupt friend to the barbecue, asserting that she is still peeved over a three year old diss. Lisa debuts her super-hip pink hair chunks, while explaining her side. Lisa wishes that Kyle had told her that she was unleashing Faye into the wild again, so she could be ready to checkmate the orangutan. Kyle takes offense, as do all the orangutans who watch Bravo. Kyle informs the viewers what “grudge” means, and wishes that Lisa would just get along with Faye’s frozen stare. Kyle comments that life is too short, especially when you have a junkie sister, and she wishes that Lisa would shut up and get over it. Lisa vows to invite all of Kyle’s most hated cast mates, to her next garden tea party. We learn that Lisa and Kyle are going to throw a joint anniversary bash, and that Lisa is peeved that Faye is corrupting the guest list.
We check in with Yolanda, who is back in Malibu, probably popping over for the Bravo cameras. Erika is visiting, and as they walk on the beach, they chat about the barbecue, and the Kathryn/Faye connection. Erika spills that Anwar and Bella’s health was discussed, citing a fierce need to protect her looniest friend. Yolanda gasps at Lisa V’s disloyalty, and wishes that all of the energy put out gossiping was used to have another gawk at her medicine closet. Both Lisas are traitors, and due to Lisa Rinna’s lip flapping, she and Yolanda are set for a coffee showdown, later in the episode. Yolanda thinks Lisa R. is despicable, and can’t imagine why anyone would fake being sick for a blissful spotlight.
We jump back to Lisa V. and Kyle, where they are checking out the perfect venue to trash it up, Moulin Rouge style.
Lisa Rinna is visiting Erika, and as she enters, she is awestruck by the opulent house. Erika takes her on a tour, and Lisa R. describes the home as Pasadena-exquisite, whatever that is. They ignore the Pasadena-tacky mega-pics of Erika Jayne above the mantles, and visit the chapel, which houses Erika’s religious art. They sit down to chat, and Lisa dishes that she wants Erika’s advice about approaching Yolanda.
We switch gears to check in with Kathryn and Donnie, during their morning routine. The couple goes to the gym, and as they rotate through the machines, Kathryn talks about her connection to Faye Resnick. She shares that Faye’s apology threw her for a loop, and of her hopes for another shot to read her ass, for sucking her and her then-husband, into the O.J. fiasco.
Back at Erika’s, the duo discusses Lisa R’s tiptoe into Munchausen gossip. Lisa points out that Yolanda puts a lot of freaky pics out there, so she needs to expect some yammer. Erika tells her not to be scared, and face the cray-cray music.
We sit in on Erika in a voice lesson, and as she warbles and trills, she shares that all of the women will be attending one of her concerts. We drop in on Eileen and Vince, who are back from Italy, and ready to play a reinvented, happy couple. Vince does an about-face, and dotes on Eileen like a different man, before he runs off to place his next bet.
Lisa R. arrives at Yolanda’s, and admits that she is horribly uncomfortable, in her unstable presence. Yolanda is swathed in gray, and her face is sallow and drab, to set the perfect mood. Lisa R. admits to chattering about her sickie-pics, and Yolanda explains that standing up for the worldwide Lyme community means their voices will be heard, via her weirdo Instagram account. Yolanda thinks that Lisa R should just trust her journey, and Lisa says that trusting is rough when you’re an impulsive a**hole. Yo snarks that Lisa is deflecting, and agrees with her a**hole assessment. Lisa R. drops the Munch-bomb, which baffles Yolanda. Lisa feels like a POS, who deserves to be shot, which brings a smile to Yo’s face. Discussing a gossip sesh like it is an earth-shattering event on this show, is beyond silly.
“The Portia” makes her weekly appearance, as Kyle models the ridiculous costume that she is wearing to celebrate her anniversary pride. Mauricio thinks his wife looks sexy, and Portia is speechless in horror. Kathryn shows off an equally ghastly ensemble, and is excited to debut her whorey new look. Kyle picks up Lisa and Ken, who hobble down their driveway looking like Mr. Peanut and a long-retired saloon showgirl. Kathryn and Donnie pick up Erika, and they chat about Lisa R’s new POS identity.
We watch the different groups arrive, and greet each other. The women squeal and gush over what hot middle-aged hookers they all could be. Strangely, Alexia didn’t run for the hills, before her mother made her into a junior-slut, for the big event. Kathryn and Erika chitchat, and are enjoying themselves, until Erika uses the c-word. Kathryn gasps at the horrifyingly nasty expression, and Erika rolls her eyes, surmising that Kathryn had never seen Erika Jayne on YouTube.
We get a glimpse of Taylor Armstrong, looking particularly frightening, as Faye swings in, dressed like a magician. Lisa V. sneers out a hello, and Faye is cordial, as Lisa snarks jabs under her breath. Kyle wants a rehash play-by-play, and Faye lets her down, by responding with an “eh whatever.” The women rave over the now beautiful Lyme world ambassador, as Kyle pulls out her tired party shtick, and drops into a split. YAWN.
We flash between Camille and her stripper-pole rumba and Kyle making a fool of herself, splitting all over the dance floor. Kyle and Lisa debate whose marriage is better, and Kyle and Mauricio straddle and grope each other to get the win. We watch the women sit and yak about Faye, and learn that she began her friendship with Kyle, during Faye’s old coke-whore days. Kathryn labels the frozen orangutan a distasteful buttinksi. Kyle is horrified at the word “distasteful,” and at the audacity of Kathryn, to diss the reformed coke-whore at her party.
The end of the show is a hodgepodge of editing about Lisa’s short hair, and Faye’s history with writing about Kathryn. Kyle keeps rambling, but when no one agrees with her, she mercifully shuts up.
Kyle feels unsupported by Lisa V., and likens her support of Kathryn to when she allied with
Trashbox Glanville…the gutter reality nightmare that just won’t die.
Next week, Erika Jayne lets it rip, and the Lyme whisper game continues!