Little Women: LA season 4 kicked off Wednesday night, and as I get to know these little ladies, I am intrigued, as well as confused. Yes, I am a Little Women virgin, so be patient with me, as my snark matures!
We begin the episode at Jasmine’s, (thanks to Lifetime for the name labels…I would be crippled without them!) where we are all gathering for a mommy cocktail party. Jasmine’s look is odd, sort of like a shrunken Kim Zolciak. Briana arrives, who appears to be the pariah of the group. Tonya shows up, a muscular little thing, who seems chill and nice. I meet Christy, who has a daughter recovering from leg-straightening surgery, and a husband who got into some texting scandal with Briana.
Christy and Briana hate each other. Who sent WHO the texts y’all? Catch me up! Terra arrives, and she seems fun. The Hawaii trip is discussed. Jasmine announces a long desired eyelash-line venture, which will fulfill her dream of helping the eyelash deprived. The group discusses children, yank-out birth control, and pregnancies that result when that doesn’t work. Tonya announces a dirt bike outing, which sounds completely ridiculous. Briana announces that she is balance challenged, so they all decide that they will wrap her in bubble wrap, and hope for the best.
Elena is introduced, who is by far the prettiest little gal. She and Terra are checking out her eyeshadow line, and talking about the upcoming product launch. They discuss a preview party, and Jasmine’s wild eyelash ambitions. Elena basically labels Jasmine a hairless copy-catter, who is also a fake beetch. Elena reminds me of a younger Charo.
We find ourselves in Christy’s closet, where her and her mom are sorting clothes, and looking at the urn that holds the remains of her husband’s newborn daughter. It’s odd. Christy shares that she and Todd haven’t been able to conceive, and that she is worn out from fertility treatments.
We jump over to Jasmine and Briana, who are meeting for lunch, to discuss Matt, Briana’s dead-beat husband. Matt gave up his life, and evidently working forever, to relocate to be with Briana. Briana wants him to get his ass out of the house, but doesn’t want to sound like a nag.
Christy and Todd are spending some alone time to talk, and scarf ice-cream. They discuss babies, and Christy breaks it to him that she can’t manage another round of hormones. They agree to adopt. It’s emotional, but they make peace with the decision, and seal it with a lame breastfeeding joke.
We jump over to Briana and Matt, who are having their get-a-job-already date. Briana tells Matt to go pound the pavement, and Matt labels her as demanding. Briana talks to him like he’s an immature teenager, who needs to go flip burgers to stay out of trouble, and out of her hair. Matt wants more newlywed time together, but Briana wants as little of that as possible, preferably none. They end their talk with a shrug, and a mini-raised eyebrow.
The group gathers for Tonya’s adventure, which looks complicated and horrifying. They jam their short adult bods into kiddie motocross suits, after gawking at Elena’s creepy irises, which are apparently designed to distinguish her from the other short blonde. Christy wants to throw down with Briana, and Elena wants to throw down with Jasmine. Elena towers over the group, as they chat about Jasmine’s fierce jealousy, and the upcoming plastic surgery competition.
They all try and take off on the bikes, and crash half a dozen times, before they can ride 25 yards. They start the race, and hang for awhile, then begin dropping like mini-flies. The whole scenario is foolish, and makes me think that Lifetime just wants to watch
midgets ladies roll around in the dirt. They end the adventure by calling bloody dirt burns “fun,” and sit down to chat. Elena snarkily thanks Tonya for inviting “everyone” which kicks off the fun with Jasmine.
Elena was offended at being uninvited to the party, and just wishes that Jasmine would admit to hating her guts. Jasmine implies that a “mommy event” should never include non-mommies, even if no children are involved. They bicker about what convos went on during the party, and it is beyond stupid.
Christy blows, and calls Briana a dirty liar, who canoodled via texts with her husband, and to top it all off, has an ugly face. Two arguments go on side by side, and it reminds me of a Housewives reunion set, minus the ugly prom dresses. Terra just wants to focus on her shattered ribs, and feels bad that Tonya’s bloody event is going awry.
Elena swears that she will be a mommy one day, and Jasmine swears that her blonde alien-look is as old as the hills. Jasmine and Elena are DONE, just DONE.
Charo Elena would have at least thrown in one “coochie” for the road!
Ok, all…the big questions I need answered are,
- What happened in Hawaii, and why were they there?
- What is the story with these texts between Briana and sexy Todd?
- Who are the favorites, the least liked, and why?
- What’s the deal with dead-beat Matt?
Next week is Elena’s eye-shadow preview party, and guess who isn’t invited? I am into it everyone, and should be running at full snark speed next week!