The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins with Ken and Lisa touring a sex shop, that Ken wants to turn into an English tavern. Lisa isn’t keen on the business decision, but Ken wants to keep his bum hip busy.
We pop in on Kathryn, buzzing down the highway in a snazzy car with her hubby. We meet Donnie Edwards, as he and Kathryn arrive at a jeweler’s to check out some bling. Kathryn explains that Donnie was an NFL star and a smart investor, which has set the couple up for life. They peruse the jewelry, as we learn that Kathryn and Donnie split their time between two Cali homes, and that they chose to travel the world, over having kids.
We drop in on Kyle and her new co-star, Portia, and hear that a barbecue is in the works. Kyle calls the women, and a new opportunity for a scripted bitch-fest is born. We check in with Eileen, who is losing it over preparing to travel to Italy. She is bringing her sister’s ashes to scatter, and hopes that the effort will help her heart to heal.
Kathryn and Lisa R. meet up for breakfast, to get reacquainted, and discuss their mutual lip challenges. Kathryn admits to endlessly molding her face, as if we all couldn’t tell. We learn that Kathryn and Donnie tried to have children, but weren’t able to conceive.
We switch gears, and catch up with Kyle, who is meeting Faye to talk about decorating a romantic dressing room that can whoop Lisa V’s closet. Kyle reminds us that Faye is her family, before she clues Faye in on the new girl. Faye isn’t ready to relive such a painful period in her life, because writing a tell-all book and posing for Playboy, kinda covered it all. Kyle addresses the viewers like we are all dolts, who have never heard of the “very painful topic,” that Faye doesn’t want discussed. Faye doesn’t want to deal with Kathryn, and Kyle almost rubs her hands together with glee at being tagged as Bravo’s instigator.
We jump the pond, and sit in on Vince and Eileen, planning their vacation schedule. Eileen is struggling, because her sister disallowed her help during her illness, and now she feels guilty. Eileen scatters some of the ashes, and hopes that honoring her sister will help her to let go of the guilt.
It’s the night of the barbecue, and Kyle kicks it off with a boring explanation about why she’s not cooking. After all, she wants to watch the fireworks, not fetch napkins. She stupidly ignores the fact that the viewers would be shocked, if they ever witnessed her cooking. Kathryn swings by to pick up Lisa V., and marvels at the lovely house sprinkled with Hanky-Panky poop. Lisa V. launches into her trademark interrogation, and is intrigued by Kathryn’s young, dark hubby. Back at Kyle’s, her morally corrupt bestie arrives and another dark cloud, known as Yolanda Foster, descends on the Umansky home. Her wrapped boobs make their appearance, while Yolanda proudly labels herself a ‘plain Jane.’ At least Yo has worn casual attire, because Kyle looks silly, decked out like she is about to helicopter her ponytail into a cocktail party.
Erika appears, and snarks about Kyle’s purply caftan, and also seems to understand the basic concept of a barbecue. Lisa R shows up, and panics when she sees Yolanda, because she has been flapping her fat lips, calling her a loony faker. Yolanda claims that she is quitting all toxic beauty treatments, and warns the others of their silicone brain-damaged fates. The women all gasp in unison, but decide that their fake beauty is more than worth it. Lisa V. and Kathryn arrive, and agree that mingling with this many women, will probably be the worst. Kathryn dishes that Faye wrote that she turned a cheek to an affair between her then-husband and Nicole Brown Simpson, that was allegedly going on under her nose. Could this be another “dinner party from hell?” Fingers CROSSED!
Kyle excitedly breaks the ice and introduces Kathryn to Faye, and Kathryn almost hurls into her cocktail. They all make awkward small talk, and Lisa V. takes us on a fun flashback to Faye stirring it up, a few years ago. Faye accused Lisa V. of plotting against Kyle, and it brought back fun memories of the beginning of visceral viewer hatred for Faye. Camille Grammer shows up, and I am dying for her to deliver her “morally corrupt” tagline, for old times sake. Yolanda makes her exit, much to Lisa R’s relief. The two Lisas are interrupted by Faye, coincidentally the subject of their whispery convo. Lisa R blurts out a question about the beef between her and Lisa V., and Faye labels it as past excessive “protectiveness.” Bravo highlights Faye’s one shining moment, when she rightfully nailed Trashbox Glanville. Faye and Lisa V. half-heartedly agree to try to move on.
The women sit down, and Kathryn and Faye submit to the contrived seating arrangement. The women chatter about Yolanda, and all delight over the massive surgery that has made her a new woman. Lisa R. resumes the Lyme chatter, obviously over her guilt from the last gossip sesh. Erika is appalled by the women’s comments, and doesn’t understand that her fake Dutch bestie may be nuts. Kyle brings up Anwar and Bella’s supposed Lyme disease, and Lisa V. drops the bomb that their father doesn’t believe that his children are ill. Kyle grapples with the puzzle of two parents claiming different truths, but Erika doesn’t think the disease that has supposedly crippled her bestie is any biggie, and thinks that they should all just shut up, and live in ignorance. Lisa V. panics, and shuts down the convo that she actually triggered.
Kyle blasts out a question about posing in Playboy, then side-eyes Faye. Bravo comes through big, and gives us a flashback of Camille’s fabulously dark line, and a moment of the most epic dinner party in Housewives history. Faye takes her cue, and leaves the table. Kathryn explains that Faye cashed in on a tragedy, scoring her fifteen minutes of fame off the murder of a friend. She wrote a scandalous book, and Kathryn felt unfairly included. Kathryn is ready to throw down with the morally corrupt Faye, and unleash her pent-up, vintage can of whoop-ass. Faye returns, and Kathryn jumps in. She confronts Faye, to address the awkwardness, and blames her for unfairly dragging her into the O.J. mess. She calmly blasts Faye for mischaracterizing her, and Faye responds with a frozen-faced stare. Faye refuses to discuss it, but finally apologizes for corrupting anyone in her past, present or future. Kathryn is peeved that she didn’t take the bait, so she could annihilate her blank stare. Kyle obnoxiously and randomly sings Faye’s praises, like anyone cares about the loyalty of a former coke-whore turned gaudy decorator.
Next week Splits Richards returns, Lisa R. comes clean to Yo, and Lisa V. insults orangutans everywhere, by naming one Faye. See you there!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.