That Bravo is a naughty little minx, teasing us with upcoming episodes of Vanderpump Rules that include Jax Taylor’s arrest for stealing a pair of sunglasses [insert link here] and Stassi Schroeder’s tearful return to the show. But this week’s episode was a snowball tottering downhill, picking up speed as it rolled along. Can you say foreshadowing?
Before we touch on this week’s drama, can I just stop for a moment and plead with this group of crazy kids (and by that, I mean adults who act like teenagers) to keep their clothes on for just one episode? Seriously, consider it a challenge. First, Lala Kent tried on miniscule thongs that got lost in her nether crack, and then didn’t even buy them!!! I don’t think three exclamation marks are enough for that kind of behavior. Then she whipped off her top and went wading in Lisa Vanderpump’s pool. The Queen will not be amused, Lala. Also, we watched a bare-assed Jax use the toilet. He even had reading material. Yes, Bravo went there and dragged us with them.
Now, I just want to say, for the record, I know far too much about James Kennedy’s penis for comfort. It was the talk of the town, this week. According to Lala, he’s not working with much, and this news spread through SUR faster than a rampaging case of herpes. The real shocker is that Lala’s still toying with the idea of sleeping with him. I’m shuddering at the thought, people.
Though James wasn’t invited to Hawaii, he finagled his way on the trip by begging Jax to let him attend, promising not to get messy drunk, like he usually does. His real reason? He wants into Lala’s pants. Again—ewww!
Stassi’s name was mentioned in vain several times. Lisa Vanderpump even warned the staff to shun her should she come sniffing around SUR, asking for free drinks. Jax vowed to remain steadfast, but we know Jax is weak when it comes to Stassi. Or any woman for that matter. Case in point, his open flirtation with Lala, even in front of his new girlfriend. I expect a huge blowup between James and Jax. (And by expect, I mean hope.)
Lisa’s son, Max, had an accident that involved his teeth becoming lodged in his upper lip. It was very gruesome. Anyway, Scheana Shay warned her Vicodin-addicted husband not to ask for Max’s pain medicine—in front of all their friends. Way to be sensitive. I expect these two to implode on the trip. Poor Shay is a ticking time bomb. Scheana thinks if she makes him take random drug tests, all will be well.
But Scheana also had beef with former BFF, Ariana Madix. She was quite put out when Ariana nixed the idea of Krazy Kristen Doute going to Hawaii with the group. It seems everyone wants to forget that last season when Kristen was a full blown bunny boiler. This week, her talk with ex-boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, did not reassure us of her sanity. “I’m not going anywhere,” she told him. Run, Tom! Run for your life!
Stassi sent Katie Maloney a congratulatory text on her engagement to Schwartz. But Katie was over it. Too little, too late. I wonder if those tearful apologies from Stassi will soften Katie’s heart.
So next week, we’re off to Hawaii. I predict big fireworks from everyone, much drama, and drunken stupidity. Question: who will get to Lala first, Jax or James?
I’m a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.