We kick off The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in Kyle’s closet, where she is rummaging for a Hamptons-chic wardrobe. After informing us hicks that the Hamptons is a getaway spot for those city slickin’ New Yorkers, she pumps Portia for fashion advice. Kyle is heading east to check on her pop-up store, and attend a magazine event, honoring Lisa V. Kyle’s closet looks like a scene from Hoarders, and Lisa V’s resembles a high end boutique.
We jump over to Lisa Rinna who is traveling, to hawk her wares for QVC. Lisa loves the quickie high she gets from her TV hustle, and admits to a cootie-phobia, as she wipes down her hotel room with disinfecting wipes.
We check in with Erika, who is walking the grounds of her property, and making notes for repairs. We get a mini-tour of her painstakingly restored mansion, the old world charm providing a perfect backdrop for the monstrously tacky Erika Jayne posters, mounted over the mantles. Erika tries to choose a travel wardrobe that screams dirty whore as well as uppity socialite, while she describes her work and play schedule. She obviously drew the short straw, and has to pick up Yolanda after her explant cleanup surgery.
We are on rinse and repeat, as we join Lisa and Ken packing for the Hamptons trip. Really Bravo? Her closet is nice …but AGAIN? I spoke too soon, because our favorite junkie is back, this time bagged for stealing toys at a local Target. Kim Richards is a raging addict loon, but Lisa and Ken just want to know who was in line for the stolen goodies. Lisa comments that Kim has lost her marbles, and they both agree that she needs help. Lisa calls Kyle to get the scoop, and finds her crying. Kyle heard about the heist on TMZ, and is heartbroken. Lisa thinks that Kyle needs to take care of herself, and lose the junkie deadweight. I agree.
The packing joy continues, over in Eileen’s gaudy bedroom. Vince begins whining about Eileen spending $500 on a dress, like she doesn’t deserve a nice wardrobe, after working on the same show since infancy. Eileen tells him to get lost, and focus on his gambling obsession. Vince glares at the dress, thinking about the wagers that got away. Eileen explains that the couple splits everything 50/50, and ignoring him is the best way to shut him up.
Yolanda and her white jeans are next, and they are both nervous about the upcoming surgery. Did it just dawn on Yo’s Lyme-brain that she has traveled the globe for a cure, but never considered removing two foreign balloons from her body? Yo states that her boobies have never defined her, but they do jazz up her social media accounts. Yolanda is worried about her family, and is thankful that David is willing to pay for a trip to Ohio, because by now, he has likely figured out that he has been rooked.
Erika meets up with her
grand-husband for lunch, and they discuss her travel plans. Erika dishes about their private planes, as a the L.A. chief of police saunters up to say hello. It’s a little awkward, but Chief Beck enjoys his five minutes of clunky Bravo fame. The marital heat is nonexistent, but Erika orders a wedge of chocolate cake, which is pretty sexy. She phones Lisa V and labels her a diva, and an official Beverly Hills diva-duel is declared.
David and Yolanda, along with Yo’s hack sidekick Daisy, head to the Ohio hospital, as Lisa R. prepares to hustle her wares on QVC. We meet designer Dennis Basso, who designed the bridesmaid dresses at Nicky Hilton’s wedding. Isaac Mizrahi makes a cameo, and dishes a few minutes with his sister hustler. Back in Ohio, Yolanda babbles about mysterious parasites, and the fact that the nurses will have to pry her wedding ring off her cold dead corpse. David agrees, and gives his consent. Yolanda feels like a soldier ready to engage in a boob-battle, and her dialogue is ridiculously dramatic. David looks tired, and resists rolling his eyes. The surgeon shows up, and chats with her patient in the double-wide styled pre-op space. Yo calls Gigi, waking her best girl to torture her one last time, before she goes under the knife.
Yolanda reassures David, who grunts in response. Yolanda is expecting a 90% Lyme recovery, a statistic she must have pulled out of her colonic bag. Meanwhile, Lisa R hustles a triangular jacket, and a cozy sweater, and she is indeed a natural. Back in Ohio, David is snoozing, as Yolanda’s surgical war is waged. Daisy is randomly in the operating room, busily advocating.The surgeon hauls out an alien implant that resembles a placenta, as Daisy snaps a shot for Yo’s Instagram page.
We mercifully cut away and jet east, and I am happy to be there! Bella magazine sends a helicopter to whirl Ken and Lisa V to their Hamptons accommodations, and the couple enjoys the ride. Unfortunately, there is a nightclub being erected outside the ladies’ rooms, and Kyle and Eileen are horrified. Mauricio arranges a gorgeous house for the women, and the duo jumps from hell to heaven, with one phone call. Speaking of hell, or Ohio, we sit in on the doc’s description of the silicone placental explosion that invaded Yo’s innards. It is gross, and beyond boring.
Lisa and Ken arrive at their party central hotel, and Lisa proclaims a place lovely, that looks like a Dina Manzo decorated Motel 6. I’m not buying it. Lisa reads Eileen’s note, and learns of the accommodation switcheroo. Lisa is peeved, as she listens to Eileen explain their position. Giggy looks embarrassed to be on camera, in his flower trimmed, Liberace costume. Lisa feels that it would be rude to shun the cheapo digs, and is annoyed that the women didn’t consult her about upgrading. She declares her friends high maintenance, and Giggy looks up at her, like she has to be kidding. Lisa R arrives at the dreamy house, and is thrilled to be able to snooze in style.
The mag party is in full swing, and Lisa V makes her appearance, as the others prepare to head over. The group arrives, and Lisa is still annoyed by their hotel exodus. The others believe that she is being demanding, ungrateful, and probably jealous. Kyle remarks that her week has been bad, and that she needs rest, because being a junkie’s sister is taxing. Kyle brings Kim up, then flips when they want to know more, which seems unfair. Kyle ends the show with a veiled threat to spill some random tea, if they dare bring up the great Target caper again. Foreshadowing, intrigue, and loony pilfering…this show has it all!
Next week crossover Bravo star, Bethenny Frankel, pops in for a visit…see you then!