It’s officially 2016, and a new year has begun for TLC’s Sister Wives. As we wave goodbye to 2015, I thought it would be fun to count down the most memorable moments from the TLC plurals. Some of these events occurred in late 2014, but I chose to stay safely ensconced in TV Lala Land, rather than think too hard about this clan in true-time reality.
10. THE STITCHES: Landing in the number 10 spot, is Meri Brown’s vampy new style. Her white stitched denims and pumpkiny glow screamed a woman legally single, and ready to virtually mingle. Gone were the mousy layers, with 2015 ushering in an amped up, and daringly dated junior wardrobe, which included a scandalous black and white striped sweater from her virtual lover.
9. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH: The dramatic showdown between Janelle and Mare was interesting, and revealing. The bad blood between the pair runs deep, as evidenced by Meri’s refusal to discuss Janelle’s request for a guided reconciliation, for a full four months. Mare’s eventual giddy acceptance appeared to be encouraged by her online hunk, who pushed her towards healing the rift. That Sam….always seeking peace and love…what a dreamboat.
8. THE HUGS: Kody’s new teen daughter, Aurora, “grew up” in 2015, and morphed from a kid, into a young woman. Aurora displayed some slightly unnerving elation at becoming a teen Brown, and Kody’s attentive affection for his new best girl, proved to be a bit unsettling. Social media buzzed whenever Papa Kodes got touchy with Aurora, and some wonder if she is being groomed for the #5 spot.
7. THE SPAWN: Robyn Brown got knocked up in 2015, and is due to deliver the 18th Brown kiddo, any minute. Kody refuses to snip his swimmers, and we all should take every new addition seriously, because our tax dollars will likely be supporting their brood, when TLC snips their cashflow.
6. THE FAKES: Season 5’s anthropology grad students, Richard and Antoinette were a ridiculous and manipulative presence, planted in the flailing family. The duo was identified as student researchers, studying the Browns, due to their anthropological fascination with polygamy. The issue was that there was no research recorded, and no written anything to show for it. The show was their project, they later claimed, as they gushed about the fantastic and functional Brown family love. TLC tomfoolery at it’s finest.
5. THE SCOWL: One of the more salaciously enjoyable aspects of the recent season was having the inside tea on why Meri acted like a big sourpuss the whole season. We all watched Meri frown, cringe, and be repelled by Kody’s touch. We either enjoyed her obvious absence, or witnessed Mare jumping through TLC hoops so clenched, that her white stitching puckered. The best part of the display was that we all KNEW the reason! Mare had been swept away by Sam the Catfish, and an exit strategy was being hatched. Any viewer following the catfish scandal also knew that Mare was set to bolt, until she found out Sam was a girlie poser. To watch the hidden drama unfold with the inside scoop was simply delish, and a rare treat. Common sense tells us that TLC was scurrying around like ants to piece-film, edit, and cash in on the dirt, like they knew what was going on. We all know better.
4. THE SKETCH: The portrait gifted from Robyn to Kody to celebrate the adoption of Daytonaurorabreanna was the creepiest moment of the year. Robyn emotionally erased her children’s biological father, and inserted Kody into a reinvented childhood photo. The project was twisted, weird, and smacked of visual brainwashing. Fans overwhelmingly agreed that the gesture was disturbing. The harem overwhelmingly agreed that it was an amazingly creative idea of beauty. Go figure.
3. THE EVIDENCE: The voicemails that Jackie Overton recorded of her plyggie honey were hardcore proof that Mare had fallen, and fallen hard. We heard Mare whine, beg, giggle, and gush to her “bay-bee,” and the almost 200 recordings proved to be audio gold. Mare gushed that she loved Sam, claimed that she had been intimate with Sam, and that she wanted to have Sam’s baby. Which one was your favorite? Here’s mine.
The voicemails were the best clinchers, but the sexy banana pics were horrifyingly embarrassing, as well as naughtily hilarious. The mouthy fruit also opened the floodgates for brilliant banana humor all over social media. The celebrity banana stole the show, with a sudsy leg coming in a distant second.
2. THE CATFISH. When Meri Brown fell for an Oklahoma scammer posing as a dream-come-true romeo, the affair revealed the Browns and their miserable lifestyle in epic fashion. A divorce the family dismissed as a simple shuffle of paperwork, was nailed as the cause for an emotional disaster. America’s favorite polygamist gang was exposed as a unit holding on by their fingernails, clinging to their TLC bank accounts. Meri was tricked, but was also ready and willing to cheat on and leave her spiritual husband, while selling her fans a big fat lie. The Brown plural dynamic was publicly busted as a failure.
1. THE WHAMMYS: The legal wife switcheroo and the shady adoption of Robyn’s three children nails the number one spot. The secret split between Mare and Kody followed by Robyn becoming Kody’s legal wife, destroyed Kody and Meri’s relationship, and officially made Robyn queen of the cult-de-sac. The Browns claimed it was all about an adoption, but an insider told us at All About the Tea, that the move allegedly involved Robyn’s demand to be in the center of Kody’s universe. TLC staged a repeat nuptials date, and the family, even the gold-hearted Meri, were shut out. The adoptions went through with minimal drama, enabled by a strange legal relinquishment from the kids’ father, David Preston Jessop. Jessop was characterized as a negligent loser, until he submitted to Team Brown. A signed paper triggered an immediate visit, and an agreement that their antiquated dad was a pretty good egg.
So there you have it…2015’s greatest Brown hits. What did I miss?
Until TLC shuts down this train wreck, let’s toast to a new round of multiplied snark in 2016! Cheers!