We get the The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills rolling at Queen Lisa’s house, where we all greet her friend Hank. Hank heard about the Ohio runt horse debacle, so he fixed it by corralling a couple of peewees in Texas. Lisa leads the eight hooves inside for tea, as she waits for Ken to get home.
We hop over to Erika’s place, and I am relieved to see that we caught her on a Girardi day. She calls her elderly husband, and they discuss dinner plans, and Erika shares how incredibly demanding it is to be a lawyer, and a porny dance queen. Speaking of porny, Erika Jayne has a costume fitting, and we get to watch. Erika loves her sassy Jayne persona, and also believes that every woman just wishes they could flash their boobs to the Bravo viewers.
We hop to the classier side of the cast, and meet up with Vince and Eileen during a rare together moment. The couple chats about Vinnie’s late dad, and his once endearing love for gambling. Eileen apologizes for her recent stressed-out bitchiness, and explains that she feels overworked, due to Vince’s excessive lounging habit. Vince explains to Eileen that his lounging hours don’t end until 9 am, and she needs to keep it down until then. Vince finally accepts her apology, after calling her an idiot for expecting him to listen to her before mid morning.
Lisa Rinna and her daughters are sharing a lunch, and discussing their Canadian vacation. Lisa admits that her girls are spoiled, and wonders how Kyle spoils four daughters so masterfully. We are about to find out, when we join Kyle and her girls at a local jeweler, to get more holes punched in their ears. We enjoy a flashback of Sophia losing it, like she is about to be skewered with a lifesaving dart of of anti-venom medicine, instead of scoring a cute earring. Sophia is a master manipulator, and she shows off her skills by obnoxiously shrieking like a 6-year old.
We jump back and forth, soaking in the reality of spoiled teenage girls, with a seven year old drama-queen on the side. I can feel my mind going numb, as I wonder how in the heck a couple of ear holes are worth this bratty nightmare.
Back at Lisa’s, Ken meets his new mini-equine friends, and he is stunned. Lisa has already fallen in love, and is planning their wardrobes. The prospect of scooping more sh*t has left Ken speechless, so Lisa is thrilled.
We get a glimpse of the Malibu Foster palace, where Yo and David welcome Erika and Tom for a visit. Yolanda is thrilled to be let out of her sickroom for the day, and Erika is happy to see her smiling. David and Erika talk shop, and I think I see David stifle a snicker. David hints at meeting a VIP during an upcoming trip, and Yo’s brain springs back into action, guessing that the VIP is the Pope. Her cerebral power plummets again, when she excitedly suggests that Erika’s boobs perform with Andrea Bocelli.
We shift gears, and sit in on Portia’s acting lesson, as we are assured by Kyle that becoming a child star is all Portia’s idea. We walk down Kyle’s memory lane again, while she parallels her life as a child actress, to Portia’s budding thespian skills. She disagrees with the common thought that blames Kim’s junkie reality on her actress childhood, instead believing that her sister was just born a loser.
Over at the Foster’s, Yolanda is robing it, and Daisy is preparing her meds for her upcoming vacation with David. Yolanda can’t wait to reconnect their souls and their love-cores, and is willing to eat bark with no water forever, to be strong enough for such bliss.
We hop over to Lisa Rinna, who is trying to muster up the brain power to connect via technology, with her cute hubby, Harry. He is with their girls in Canada, while Lisa works back in L.A. Her brain is in her clothing line, and juggling her hustle is her wheelhouse, even though she admits to being a bit of a dimwit.
The divorce announcement has been made, so now it’s time for a
sneakily edited in scene, explaining the road to the Foster split. Evidently this week is sponsored by the Canadian tourism board, so we are treated to a glimpse of some gorgeous Canadian scenery, while Yo babbles about her and the king’s epic couple-dom. David looks less than enthusiastic, largely because Yo refuses to move her rear, day-after-day. Yolanda explains that they got married, she got sick, and David got peeved. She excuses his impatience, and states that any active together time is OVER. Is Yolanda implying that she doesn’t expect any of her pricey globetrotting array of treatments to work? Yolanda explains that ya know, that’s life, and the royal love affair may not survive.
Back in Cali, Lisa V is preparing for a visit with her girlfriends. She welcomes Lisa R into her home, and Kyle arrives, just in time to be informed that her junkie sis trashed the hostess on ET. Kyle wishes that they would all quit the Kim chatter, and just keep the focus on her. Lisa V sharply comments that Kim is deflecting, and Lisa R has a jealous chuckle at Kim’s silly cameo in Sharknado 3. Lisa V brightens at the realization that at least she’s not dealing with Trashbox Glanville anymore. Amen.
Lisa R mentions Yolanda and David’s soulful holiday, and notes that Yo is looking pretty darn happy and healthy. Lisa R believes that Yo’s Instagram account is confusing, and that she would like to understand her weirdo motives. People are talking, and Kyle wants Lisa R to stop flapping her big lips around in response. Lisa declines, and instead looks up info about Munchausen syndrome. She reads the text off of her phone, as the camera pans to the women’s under or overacted expressions. Lisa R drops the obvious bomb that Yo may be a faker, as well as a few lemons short of a bushel. Bravo amps up the drama by throwing in a cut from their mental illness playlist. The women all agree that Yo’s symptoms could be anything, and Lisa R melodramatically asserts that she needs purging from the sin of questioning her most intensely loony friend. Eileen arrives, and they immediately drop the subject. Eileen picks up on the vibe, and Lisa R fills her in on the Yo-chatter.
Lisa R feels badly about gossiping, wants to come clean to Yolanda, and hopes to catch her on a healthy Insta-day. Lisa V discourages it, noting a possibly risky colonic explosion. The show ends on a fun note, with the women frolicking with the mini-horses. Lisa R is happy that the pair are at least classy runts, but still feels badly about the Yo-gossip. Kyle just hopes to be absent when Yolanda finds out about all of their yakking.
Next week, Hanky is sick, and Yolanda wishes she was so lucky. Don’t miss it!