The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins with Kyle and Mauricio droning on about their luxurious vacation. Am I jealous? YES…which is probably why Kyle’s boingy ponytailed rambling instantly annoys me. The family is traveling to Europe, and plans to end their trip in London, for Kyle’s niece, Nicky Hilton’s wedding. Lisa and Ken will be joining them in Tuscany, and Mauricio graces us with his first “amaaaazing” of the season, as he describes the trip. Kyle dishes about the spectacular upcoming Hilton nuptials, while she makes an amaaaazing mangled sandwich for her hubby.
We shoot over to Lisa and Ken, who are up to the usual, discussing fashion in Lisa’s closet. Choosing a dress to lend Kyle for the Hilton wedding, is today’s far-fetched topic. Does Bravo really expect us to believe that Kyle Richard$$ didn’t meticulously shop and drop a bundle on a dress, for her famous niece’s high profile wedding? Back on script, Ken snarks that a dress of Lisa’s would come with an instant train for Shorty Richards, and advises his wife to just grab one of her cast-off moo-moos, and call it a day. Back at the Umanskys, Mauricio advises Kyle to pack light, and cover her fashion needs with just one black and one white moo-moo.
We check in with Lisa Rinna, her daughters, and a couple of their friends, while admiring her gorgeous birthday earrings from that cute Harry Hamlin. The group laughs hysterically at footage of Lisa’s elderly parents toppling onto some concrete, then calls them to catch up on their most recent health scares, that haven’t yet been posted on YouTube.
We sit in on a chat between Kyle and Lisa V, and after I finish gagging at Lisa’s mats of false eyelashes, we hear a contrived discussion about the borrowed designer gown. Kyle explains that no fancy body tent is necessary, because she has been disinvited to the wedding. Kyle, Kathy and Kim are a hot dysfunctional sisterly mess, and we are led to believe that Kathy is peeved that Kyle sold their family out, by accepting the TV series deal.
Eileen and Vince travel to Palm Springs to visit Vince’s deceased father’s old stomping grounds. Eileen shares a sad story of losing her sister to breast cancer, as she and Vince stop and share a moment at Dick Van Patten’s star on the Walk of Fame.
We jump to the the two Lisas meeting for lunch, and after Lisa finishes gushing over Queen Lisa’s sparkle, she shares more memories of Dick Van Patten. Lisa V follows by launching into a story about buying a miniature horse for her miniature husband’s 70th birthday. Lisa V asks Lisa to travel to Ohio to bring the world’s most useless pet home, for Ken’s birthday.
We jump to Yo at an oral surgeon’s office, where we learn that she is going to yank out her crowns, and have them replaced. David arrives and comments that he hates watching anyone getting dental work, just like 99% of us viewers. David makes a crack about actually physically wanting his pukey wife, and the moment is forced, and embarrassing. Bravo throws in a jab of foreshadowing, highlighting David sighing with wedded remorse, as he leaves the room.
Thank goodness, we also leave the horrifying display, and join the Umanskys on their luxury cruise. The family has been traipsing around France, and is now docking in La Spezia Italy. The yacht and accommodations are disgustingly perfect. Lisa and Ken jet in to meet up with the family, and Lisa shares how much she misses Europe. The family arrives at their gorgeous villa and Lisa and Ken join them, as Mauricio works to direct his penis-compass, and the red Ferrari in the right direction. Mauricio arrives and jumps in the pool with Portia, while Kyle breaks out her white moo-moo before escaping with Lisa, in Mauricio’s mid-life-crisis, dream car. Kyle shares another nugget of her childhood, and an obnoxious dialogue pattern is becoming clear. When we finally leave the 70s, the duo giggles as they putter though the countryside, and it looks fun.
Lisa R and Eileen arrive to visit Yolanda, and gawk over the glamor shots of her breathtaking offspring. Bravo gives us a gander at Yo’s magic closet of treatment meds, probably to back up all of the Instagram sickie-pics with disturbing proof. The women greet each other, and sit down to chat. Eileen tells us that Yo looks much worse, despite the pharmaceutical Utopia in her linen closet. Yo claims that she will never leave the condo until she’s well, or until her love throws her out on the keester, whichever comes first. We sit through a TMI discussion about godzilla parasites, and being poisoned by heavy metals. We hear the first Beverly mention of Bravo’s update to tacky bikini waxing displays, the promise of upcoming and equally gross colonic treatments. I wish I could SHHH them all. Eileen and Lisa are kind and supportive, and appear to be truly touched by Yo’s pathetic state. I say that whatever Yo has done up to this point, immediately STOP…and do the opposite.
Back in Paradise, Lisa and Kyle begin to chat about Yolanda. Lisa floats that Yo believes that her illness is morphing from Lyme, into something that evidently produces parasites from hell. Kyle rambles about being depressed after her mother’s death, another planned nod to the good ol’ days. The pair implies that Yo’s disease is basically an obsessive mental illness, that is destroying her life.
The group sits down for dinner, where they chat about Ken’s demise, and discuss Lisa’s necessary manhunt. Kyle mumbles to Lisa that she is now going to the wedding, with two of her involved girls, but the rest of the family is still out. Lisa calls the tacky mess what it is, and Kyle shuts her up, claiming that no one understands the made for TV dysfunctional bitchiness, that defines their family. Ken and Lisa continue to call out the gauche travesty, and Lisa pushes her to detach from her crazy clan. Alexia, clearly bothered that her mother is selling them out, asks for a halt to the dialogue about the sad situation, and the group obliges.
Next week we relive Taylor Armstrong’s preschool daughter’s birthday party, except a 70 year old man will be the guest of honor, and an overweight, midget horse in a tutu is the gift. Don’t miss it!