RECAP: Real Housewives of Atlanta “Rocky Boat Horror Story” [Season 8, Episode 4]

First let me say, I hope everyone had a safe and bountiful Thanksgiving surrounded by loved ones. And second, was the name of the boat The Real Housewives of Atlanta were on called Ratchet of the Sea? I mean, there was so much shade being thrown on the open water, a girl didn’t need sunscreen.

We begin with Kenya on the phone with Cynthia explaining that she’s walking from her house over to Sheree’s unfinished house. A bet is waged between Cynthia and Sheree that the last one in their house cleans the other’s house for two weeks. Kenya invites Sheree to the bachelorette boating party she’s having for Cynthia, even though Cynthia isn’t getting married or divorced, but because she’s going through hard times with Peter. Sheree thinks Kenya is “bat-shit crazy” but agrees to go.

Porsha and Phaedra meet at the novelty sex shop, but before going inside, tell each other how hot they look. Porsha is there to up her video-phone sex for Duke. This way he’ll know her Georgia peach is still fresh, hand to God, she said that. Porsha tries on a plaid mini-mini skirt with a rhinestone push-up bra, while Phaedra, like she did with the colonics, just watches as Porsha embarrasses herself. Phaedra thinks Porsha is trying way too hard to keep this young pup interested.

Over at Kandi’s, she is working from home so she can take it easy because her pregnancy is high risk. Cynthia stops by to see if she’s feeling better after Kenya’s party. Going against doctor’s orders, Kandi says she and Todd are opening a restaurant. Exactly what every couple with a newborn on the way should do. I mean, they will have so much free time on their hands. How hard can one infant be? Cynthia is against clubs and restaurants and warns Kandi of the lonely nights in her future. But all is not lost, Cynthia shares that she and Peter have decided to make an effort, like speaking to one other when they are in the same room.

Phaedra is having Kim and her boys over for a pool date. She’s so excited because, although Phae-Phae has been around numerous famous people, what with her entertainment lawyerisms and all, but she’s a huge Tootie fan! While the children swim with the lifeguard, the girls chat. Phaedra is ready for the name dropping to commence and is disappointed to learn that Kim only hangs out with her kids. Phaedra tells Kim she needs some girl time. Kim thought her party time was the car-pool line. And by the way, there was way too much boobage at Kenya’s party, according to Kim. Isn’t that exactly what Tootie would say? Or maybe her buddy, Natalie. In any event, Phaedra informs Kim that cleanliness is next to Godliness and the biblical translation means you should have your hair and nails done once a week. Praise the Lord.

Porsha is all dressed up with no place to go. She’s wearing her rhinestone bra with a red and black-laced silk robe, ready for her “date” with Duke. All we need is for Duke to call. We wait and we wait and we wait. Porsha calls Phaedra with the no-date update. Phaedra tells her to shut it down, the thrill is gone, chile. Porsha says she’s going to take a cold bath, but what a girl needs is a nice, warm one.

It’s party time! Kenya stops to pick up Cynthia for the boating party. Cynthia has brought a friend, Tammy, who has a clear agenda, but we’ll get to that later. In the meantime, Tammy and her blonde-braided rat-tail, claims she’s best friends with Bob Whitfield, Sheree Whitfield’s ex-husband. Tammy also claims she doesn’t know what “shade” is.

In the limo-bus, Kandi and Kim ride together, talking about entrepreneurship and sex. Kim wants to try something new, in both categories, and Kandi recommends not replacing your husband’s participation, in both categories. But here’s something odd, Kim is very loud during sex and is surprised Jesus hasn’t heard her calling his name. They pick up Porsha and Shamea along the way and throw shade at Cynthia for not wanting to drive 2 ½ hours to save her marriage.

At the yacht, the ladies meet Captain Don, the shirtless boytenders, and will be given pedicures, snacks and cocktails. Yay! Kenya does know how to throw a party. I was beginning to worry. Kenya informs Porsha that a guest should not invite another guest to a party—case in point—Shamea. Porsha say she’s never heard of that rule and unfortunately Phaedra isn’t there to correct everyone, she has a sick little boy. The shade-parade continues as Kenya blurts out that Kim is 50 when in fact she’s 46. Then Kenya announces the reason for the party is Cynthia and Peter’s marital issues. Cynthia says she doesn’t want to make the day about her.

Sheree arrives, disses Tammy, and the yacht sets off for the open waters. The seas are about to get rough, y’all. Tammy is all over Kandi about getting her rapper son in her studio, how Bob Whitfield, Sheree’s ex-husband, is managing her rapper son, and wait, let her also sing the rap song. Honey, until you show Kandi the money, she learned this lesson a long time ago. Two words: Kim Zolciak. Then Tammy says the most bizarre thing: her husband is Nazi white. What does that mean? Blond hair, blue eyes, and a small, black mustache? Things that make you go, hmm.

The party is dragging. Kim wants to read a book and eat her kids’ snacks, but Shamea is determined to get the party started. She makes everyone, except Kandi and Kim, do shots of tequila. Shamea then puts on a life preserver and hops onto the slide, sacrificing her pretty hair. Kenya takes this moment to thank everyone for supporting her at her hot hair-care party, except for Shamea, who crossed the line of negativity. Kenya alerts Captain Don that Shamea either needs to walk the plank or be escorted back to shore.

When Cynthia says she’ll go talk this out with Kenya, and everyone mocks their BFF status, Porsha comments, who bitch? Was it a joke? Everyone says the word, bitch. Bye, bitch. Whatever, bitch. You look great, bitch. It’s a term of endearment, bitch. But Cynthia put the shut in Porsha’s up for this comment. Cynthia may have been projecting Peter onto Porsha.

Porsha is trying to apologize then sticks her hand in Cynthia’s face and the next thing we know, a producer tackles Porsha, and that’s sad y’all, because it probably reminded her of Duke. Tune in next week when we get to see what really went down.

 

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