Sister Wives wrapped last night, with TLC and their favorite polygamists putting the finishing touches on a contrived spin that has silenced them for almost a whole season. It took weeks and weeks for production to perfect what “truth” looks like, and the Browns cosigned, with tears, furrowed brows, and sincere expressions of blankness. The plyg crew looked fetching in their mind-boggling thrift-wear, and the gentle Tamron Hall, worked to pull out her inner beginner Nancy Grace, rather than coming across like she is auditioning for the #5 spot. We all know that the headliner of this show is watching Mare try to squirm out of her passionate banana love with her fishy ex-boyfriend “Sam,” but we also know that TLC will surely crank out the boring plural drivel to fill two long hours. Kody is parked next to his knocked-up lovely, Robyn, and his cerebral better-half, Janelle, who is rocking her hottest 70s piano teacher look. The disgraced and nauseous-looking Mare is in the hot seat, far from her detached spiritual husband.
The adoption of DayinAuroraBreanna was a dream come true. Hall busts Robyn for lying through her teeth, and cosigning Kody’s rhetoric about the legal marriage, after disagreeing with him, on the show. Kody weeps at the memories from the life-perfecting adoption moment, especially treasuring those epic hugs from Aurora. Aurora is overjoyed to be a Brown, and Dayton smiles, and admits that he was pretty much shocked into submission. The women overreact and laugh like hyenas at Kody’s every quip, clearly nervous that LindsayJackie may hack into Tamron’s teleprompter. Don’t I wish!
Fertile Robyn is a legit wife, and the rest are spiritual bystanders. Robyn comments that that their spiritual marriages are super serious, which conveniently makes Mare a pretty major Mormon cheater. Robyn wants to change the opinions of the world, especially from those annoying haters on social media. Kody rolls his eyes at the common viewer question challenging him to dump his pretty-pretty tax deductions, to remarry his scaly first wife. Mare sits expressionless in response. Janelle labels Kody a superhero father, just not Batman.
Christine admits to past hatred of plural marriage and struggles with jealousy. She shares honestly, and obviously managed to get though the personal ordeal without trolling for men on the internet. Hall pushes for examples of jealousy, and their eyes all dart, avoiding eye contact with Robyn. The older kids make an appearance, and share that they all think Kody is a powerfully amazing father, but hope to never be anything like him. We relive the moment of bonding between Mare and Janelle, after Mare mentions that she received “encouragement” to work things out with her sister wife. Little shout out to “Sam” there.
Finally, in the last half hour we get to the reason why anyone is watching this stupid show. We rewind to the Alaska dinner, where we hear Mare imply that she and her white stitching are running away and never coming back, unless they need her for Thanksgiving. The women seem baffled, and Kody is waiting for Mare to cut the freaking vagueness. Basically, Mare claims that her heart was snookered into an “online connection” who MAY not have been whom she thought. Now it’s time for TLC to cut the freaking vagueness. Mare blames FANS of the show for causing her to become vulnerable after the divorce, because of all of the outside voices, cheerleading her orange-tinged single life. I am stunned to hear Meri so blatantly take NO responsibility for her emotional state, blaming those to whom she owes her success, for her naive and stupid behavior. How about STAYING OFF social media, Mare??
“Sam” entered the picture, and was a sweet talkin’ catfish, who lured Mare into a love relationship. Mare claims that she was coerced into the voicemails and letters….no mention of the scandalous photos. She says that she felt threatened by “Sam’s” hacker pal, and Disney date, “Lindsay.” She then sought to distance herself from the family, until she could get out of either the cult-de-sac, or “Sam’s” slippery grip, depending on the month. Kody thought that her weirdo friends were creepy, and admitted to making mistakes within the relationship, like kinda ignoring that she existed. Kody shrugs off the romance as a “flirt,” and admits to being clueless to Mare’s needs. Mare denies contact with the real banana, and wanting to peace-out of the compound with “Sam.” Mare asserts that she is still in a fishy mess, and feels guilty for bringing the trashy sludge into the family. When asked his thoughts as her husband, Kody weighs in with a heartfelt “so what,” as long as the one who stole her heart isn’t really 6’6’.”
They all agree to march into battle as a united cult, to fight the war against all freaky online people. Mare denies ever having the desire to leave her family, and blames “Sam” for coercing her into taking off with him, after the Alaska trip. It’s all social media’s fault, for misinterpreting her corny Twitter posts, which expressed her desire to “fly free” from a person who terrified her, rather than from a husband who is just plain gross.
TLC and the Browns spun their tale, and now we await the backlash. Will “Sam” disappear to his murky depths, or will the lover scorned continue to rant? Questions remain, and something tells me, that this fishy tale isn’t over.