When we hop aboard the Sister Wives train this week, we hear that TLC is flying the Brown bunch to Alaska, to escape the Vegas heat. Hunter can’t come along, so Logan is bringing his plus-one, and Maddie has invited her new dream soul-mate. We meet Logan’s new girlfriend, Michelle, who seems both sweet, and appropriately shellshocked. She shares that the Browns scared the life out of her at first, but since Logan promised her that he is anti-harem, she is now stable. The Browns are positively giddy at their big chance to spend time with Maddie’s new forever-love, Caleb, especially because the couple was practically engaged before anyone knew they were talking. Caleb is related to Kody’s brother’s wife, making him a perfect, and semi-icky addition to their family. The older kids share that they know that the Alaska trip will bring drama, and just hope that they can stand each other long enough to survive.
We jump over to Robyn, who is working to prompt Prince Sol into being excited about another infant being dropped onto the brood-pile.While the family works at home packing for the vacation, the happy couple skips off to the doc, to find out the sex of #18.
Kody informs us that he is always able to predict the sex of his spawn, as we are treated to a scandalous shot of Robyn’s belly. The couple emerges, and giggles together with their little secret, in hopes that the bored viewers will stick with them, until the end of the episode.
The Browns arrive in Alaska, and take over the rental house. Michelle assures us that she is hanging in there, and just tends to be skittish around big crowds who resemble each other. Prince Sol raises his hand like he wants to slug someone, and Garrison blasts him for being a narcissistic brat. Janelle and Kody tell Garrison to can it, and he is annoyed that his teen parenting wisdom is being shunned by his narcissistic father. Mare is mighty cheerful, rocking her white stitched denim like a champ. Janelle shares that Caleb and Madison are opposite souls, but are a perfect for each other anyway.
An epic event is underway, because the Browns are swarming a grocery store, to torture everyone inside. Kody calls the event a historic moment, that just happens to mimic every woman’s worst nightmare. They need about a million meals, and the women split the duties, and set out. It looks like hell on earth, and makes me wonder what household drudgery comes next on TLC’s deflecting agenda. Christine whips out her Mormon rapper happy dance, to celebrate her grocery prowess, when she nails her spending limit. The whistling flunky background music is inspired, and perfect for the snoozy occasion.
We learn that the gang is going to mine for gold, and Kody pushes Madison to consider the spot for her teen bride nuptials. Christine fantasizes that Alaska was founded by plurals, and shrieks like a cuckoo-bird when she describes her discovery of gold flakes. The women all gush over the romantic beauty of hormonal Logan and his first girlfriend, and will probably push for an engagement before the hour is over. Kody lines up the gold vials, and Garrison scores the prize, as Truely whines about being a loser. She has no idea.
Caleb is set to arrive, and Kody wants to talk, but with no marriage pressure, even though he would sure love to knock down that grocery bill. Janelle feels bad for Caleb, and Michelle sympathizes with the poor sitting duck. The teens agree that Madison and Caleb had amazing grieving chemistry, and Kody weighs in, by acting like an obnoxious twit. The dreamboat arrives, and the house goes into a giddy uproar. The couple enters the room, and the whole crowd drops silent, to gawk at the young and slightly older love. Kody assures Caleb that all of the excited clamoring has been positive, and Mare informs us that Maddie’s Mr. Wonderful understands the edgy, inbred vibe of their family. Prince Sol, staying on-theme in his Batman garb, keeps the crowd entertained with his self-absorbed adorableness. Maddie is sure that Caleb is the one, even though he kinda feels more like a cool uncle. Janelle is excited that her kids are grown up enough to latch onto the first person, who gives them a wink.
The Browns head out to hike the Iditarod Trail, and I am officially jealous. RATS! Their eskimo guide, Moe, asks what’s up with the herd of women and children, and Kody explains that they are jacked up versions of regular Mormons. Moe gets the gist of the lifestyle, and just wonders, like the rest of America, how the family manages their bills. Moe tries to barter to score a couple of Brown gals for his sons, and Kody assures him that he welcomes all serious offers. They hand tram in duos across a river, a process that must have taken hours. Kody blabbers some courting anecdotes to Caleb, forgetting that he could have used examples involving Maddie’s mother, rather than with Robyn. Caleb and Maddie respond with blank stares. Kody switches gears, and decides that due to the couple’s obvious horror, the time just isn’t right. The groundwork is officially laid, for whenever Caleb feels like inviting Kody to enthusiastically unload his daughter. Kody declares the hike a success, due to his victorious and overbearing pressure on Caleb, as they head back to the house.
Hunter is off at a military prep school, and has been freed to call the family. Hunter checks in, just in time to hear the big news that Robyn and Kodes have spawned a girl. Yahoo. Hunter is clearly homesick, and sweetly expresses love to his siblings. Michelle is excited, because she thinks she can finally tell the siblings apart. Christine blabbers to Caleb about Maddie’s dark, moody phase, which probably ended about two weeks ago. The women giggle over the mother-in-law options they can offer the new bearded stud of the family. They are all watching the poor guy like a hawk, and realize that Maddie may follow him to Montana, probably to escape them forever. The finale is next week, when TLC finally spins the heart-wrenching tale of a catfish who woos and wins the love of a bronzed, jacked-up Mormon. Don’t miss it!