The Real Housewives of Orange County aired the first part of the reunion series last night, and it was a snoozy stroll down the most boring streets of the OC. Bravo is clearly setting up the viewers for a knock-out punch next week, when the dark drama finally hits the fan. Sucking some life out of this snoozy episode may be tough, but I will do my best.
Let’s start with the fashion. Heather, always the perfectionist, decides to go with a black number and a simple hairstyle. Her hair is nice, but since I abhor the shoulder/sleeve cutout fad, she just looks like a wealthier Dance Moms cast member to me. Vicki looks great, snazzy and classy in white. Shannon’s look is sharp, just over-accessorized. Tamra looks ridiculous from head to toe. Someone needs to drag her ass out of the junior department, and inform her that dress cutouts only work when you’re standing up. Her makeup and hair looked appropriately gaudy and trailer park-chic. Meghan resembles a combo of a senior Forever 21 spokesmodel and a bony drag queen, but at least she spares us her Brett Michaels head wear, choosing to leave her wig-like locks loose.
We relive Meghan’s greatest hits, as the rookie continues to insist that if you’re not a stepmother, you could never understand her deep love for that crabby other lady’s kids. Andy reads a silly viewer question trying to snag Vicki into dissing adoption love, and the premise is stupid, and irrelevant. Meghan hopes that she can one day prove to Vicki that giving birth is no biggie, while we all know that Jim is offstage, thankful that he will never have to witness such a horror. Heather accuses Vicki of making sweeping judgements, and Vicki responds, by admitting hypersensitivity to blowing cash on 12 formal bathrooms and tree etched windows.
We relive the upsetting moment when Vicki learned of her mother’s death, and Vicki goes on to tell a crazy road rage arrest story, in tribute to the first generation whoop-it-upper.
The cast yammers about their diets, and learn that Heather sticks to lean meat and veggies, and Shannon exists on Grey Goose and limes, which later is flushed out by colonics. We are reminded that Meghan is juvenile, and everyone else is ancient, including her loaded old geezer of a husband. Meghan doesn’t back down from her ignorant overconfidence, and Andy expresses joy that another big-mouth idiot is on the cast, to keep Tamra company. Meghan and Shannon’s relationship is rehashed, and Meghan assures us that while she worked to hate Shannon at first, due to a simple phone call, Shannon is now awesome, and super cool.
Tamra launches into spilling details about her wrenching custody case, and the estrangement from her teen. Heather narrates on the side, praising Tamra as an exemplary mother. Unfortunately, Sydney is seventeen, and chose to pass on the excellence. Tamra bravely speaks out against Simon, with a few others nodding and murmuring in the background. Bottom line is that the family is in ruins, and they may need to enlist Heather to lecture them all straight. A ridiculous email from past cast member, Alexis Bellino, is read next, scolding Tamra for not acting the way she should, like that is some big shocker. Sorry Alexis, you look just as silly off camera, as on.
A boring hour? YES. Bravo is teasing their audience to just be patient and hang tight for Cancergate, Affairgate, Brooksgate, and Headbandgate, all washed down with a gallon of Grey Goose and a dozen limes. Lord help us all.