This week’s installment of The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In, we’re treated to more shots of Joe Giudice playing Mr. Mom. In fact, he even refers to himself as such. Now that Teresa is in jail, Joe feels “closer to the girls because before I was always working.” Working. Scamming. Tomato. Tomahto.
Melissa Gorga shows up to take the girls out for a manicure. She reached out to Teresa, but is getting the cold shoulder. And though Joe Gorga is in touch with his sister, somehow Teresa’s email chain was too full to include Melissa. I have a feeling Teresa is never going to forgive Melissa for…wait, what did Melissa do again? Bring the wrong sprinkle cookies to Christmas one year?
In the meantime, the two Joes hit the gym. Gorga asks awkward questions about whether Joe and Teresa have phone sex. Nope. They commit carnal acts via email. Say it with me, kittens: ewwwww. Back at the salon (thank God) Melissa talks about the quiet Giudice. She tells us little Gabriella is running the household. “She straightens the rugs to make them perfect… You can see her trying to do things as Teresa… it’s so sweet and cute.” No, Melissa, it’s not cute. It’s tragic and I suspect that she’ll spend years in therapy working this shit out later in life. Nothing about this is charming, and the more normal they act, the sicker and sadder it seems. Melissa informs us that Gia tries to put on a “brave face” and that she’s “like Teresa.” Um…again, this isn’t a good thing, people. Sweeping this under the rug that Gabriella is straightening is what got you into trouble in the first place!
Next, Teresa’s attorney arrives because air time is free publicity. James Leonard is in possession of Teresa’s jailhouse diary. Joe asks, quite logically, why the attorney has it. But that James is a slippery fish. Instead of answering the question, he tells us he’s read Teresa’s journal before her husband. I hope there were no purple passages about Juicy and his little Joe in there. *shudder* So anyhoodle, Teresa wanted to show the girls what prison was like. Mmm hmmm. I have a feeling this is going to be another book deal, detailing Teresa’s harrowing story of life behind bars. James tells us how Teresa heroically broke up a fight between two women. “She’s got everybody’s respect in there.” She’s doing hard time, people, she’s “not in some easy place” even though Joe called it a “low budget spa” last week. You see, Teresa has taken up yoga and meditation. So that she’ll “emerge more balanced.” Sure she will.
And in case you weren’t sympathetic to Teresa’s cause, you hard-hearted viewer, James also shares that Teresa used what little commissary money she had to pay another inmate to curl her hair—all for Joe. Now do you see? Teresa is a kinder, gentler, less table-flippy type of person since her incarceration. Are you buying any of this? Me neither.
We’re treated to a few head shots of the family. Gia says she helps with the kids. Joe cooks. Everyone is “moving on” and dealing with it. Joe says that Melissa throws him a text once in a while and picks up the girls. At least someone appreciates Melissa’s help. Maybe you’ll make Joe’s email chain, Melissa.
Next up, a family dinner. The Gorgas come over and the girls argue about whether or not Teresa would want them to use the Gucci plates. Can I stop here and ask why they still have this monstrous house and all of its insanely expensive contents? Anyone? Bueller? Okay, then. The Gorga family comes barreling into the mansion, and still no sprinkle cookies. Joe Gorga has finally been approved for a visit, but Melissa is once again left out.
The family decides to go to the shore house for the 4th of July. The Gorgas will have to drive because Joe’s license has been suspended. We were treated to shots of him tooling around town on his electric bike. Still not feeling any sympathy, Bravo!
Once again, Teresa’s lawyer stops by. He asks about the shore house, the one the sheriff’s office tried to auction off, with no success. Joe is going to lose the house, but that’s not his biggest problem. You see, Joe could be deported. He and his parents immigrated to America when he was a baby. They applied for citizenship, and his sibs were born here. But Joe, never the sharpest tool but a tool nonetheless, never bothered to apply for citizenship.
Now for a weekend at the shore. Yay for vacay, while Mommy rots away at her low budget spa! As the girls pack and Milania makes goofy faces in the mirror, Teresa calls. It seems a plane has been swooping over the prison trying to get a photo of her. She’s been warned to change her routine and not go outside. Teresa probably wants to sell the first photos of herself in Camp Criminal. Those cookbooks aren’t flying off the shelves, now are they?
Down at the shore, fun is had by all. Milania scares the geese and Audriana catches a crab. Joe tells the girls that next year, Teresa will be there with them while he’s off to work. Audriana begs him not to leave.
Frankly, I don’t care if Teresa and Joe spend the rest of their lives locked away, but I feel for the kids. Even though Joe mentions earlier that the “girls don’t look at us like we’re bad people” the fact is, they are bad people, and now their kids are paying the price.
Oh, and in case you’ve been wondering about those tweets from Teresa, she dictated them through Gia. Teresa got “shaken down” for it. The prison guards flipped her cell, looking for a phone and even did a body cavity search. Joe commented that those damn prison people are on the lookout for every little thing. Yeah, Joe. They are. That’s why it’s prison and not the country club.
In our final scene, James the Lawyer wants Joe to meet with a felon who’s done hard time. After a long trek into the city, Joe lands in Rino’s restaurant (remember him from last season?). There Joe meets Angelo Lutz, convicted gambler.
Angelo tells Joe not go stir crazy. He’ll have to buy his own toiletries and make his own hooch. He advises Joe not to worry about what he’ll do on the inside, but worry about what he’ll do once he gets out. Joe says:
Joe lets all this go in one ear and out the other, then asks Angelo if the guys inside tried to make him their little prison bitch. That’s Joe for you.
Bravo tells us that two months after filming, the shore house was repossessed by the bank. Whew! Because that’s what I was worried about. Not the girls and their psychological health.
Do you think Joe’s cutting it as Mr. Mom? And what about the Giudice’s tendency to put a happy face on the crap pile that is their life?
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