The Real Housewives of Orange County kicks off at Vicki’s, where Briana, Ryan and their two boys are home for a visit. Vicki is overjoyed, and Briana is glad because mama-joy means free manicures, hair treatments and chowing down at all of her favorite spots. Vicki basks in the presence of her family, and offers Ryan and Briana her business, while Briana and Ryan exchange smirky glances over what a horror such a scenario would be. When Vicki leaves the room to help them with their baby workload, the couple launches into nasty insults about the home into which they were so warmly welcomed. Brianna snottily judges the vibe as nasty, and Ryan labels the home as dirty and smelly, while Vicki changes their child’s dirty, smelly diaper, out of earshot. Briana rambles on about the Brooks stench polluting the home that she once lived in, like she is the one paying the mortgage. Vicki reminds us that she can woo-hoo with whomever she feels like, just the way Briana can completely disregard her concerns over the rude and hot-tempered loser that she chose. Ryan wishes that they were in a hotel, and I wish that they didn’t have a sparkly new Tahoe in their driveway.
We jump over to Meghan and her
stepsister stepdaughter Hayley, who are looking up recipes in which “tupperware” is a main ingredient. Meghan’s sensei phones in, and invites Meghan and Hayley to her baptism. Jim is hiding out in St. Louis, obviously done with public appearances with his embarrassing partner. Meghan has a bumpy teen complexion, so it makes way more sense to just ditch the mother shtick, and submit to her true adolescent mentality.
We jump to David and Shannon’s counseling session, and I am immediately nervous. Tina the counselor is proud of David for not fleeing his crazy wreck of a wife, and Shannon seems to be healing. David shares that he’s open and honest when the environment isn’t Shannon-oriented and Shannon melts down. David admits that he is ashamed of himself, which cheers Shannon up, and with no Grey Goose in sight. Shocking.
All these women seem to do is meet for lunch, and this time it’s Heather, Shannon, and Tamra meeting up to dish the OC dirt. Tamra looks freshly sprayed orange, as she breaks the news that Eddie is watching her spending habits via a joint account, which will sadly thwart her
pilfering spending funds. They giggle over Heather’s TV saleswoman gig, and Tamra gracefully segues into mentioning the magic ingredient that the Dubrow’s skin care line and Brooks’ cancer treatment have in common. YAWN.
Vicki, Briana, Michael, and Ryan are visiting the zoo, the perfect choice when you need to escape a stinky house. The kids are cute, petting and feeding the critters, and Vicki is a happy nana. Vicki hates being far away from her grandsons, and Briana dramatically blames her for choosing love over her Oklahoma based, snarky daughter. Briana thinks that her mom doesn’t want to be alone…which Vicki has openly admitted on many occasions, so I am not sure how such a quip is a revelation.
Back at lunch, the women blather about cancer, medical records, words, no spaces, and Tamra’s unbelievable stupidity. Tamra is the dumbest choice on earth, because literally every other human in the OC is more proficient in reading medical records. Tamra gossips softly, believing that blabbing in a quieter tone, is more holy. Shannon decides to use this touching moment of bonding to open up about the affair.
The uniqueness of Vicki’s pathetic predicament has bonded Shannon to the mean girls for life, especially because she stupidly believes that the OC found out about David’s side-piece from people other than the biggest lying gossip in town. Shannon shakily rambles on, as Heather proudly reminds us that she is indeed the most stellar confidant. Shannon chose to fight for her family, and is overwhelmed at the sheer beauty of friends who only chatter to each other incessantly, during such dire personal trauma.
Tamra and Briana meet up for lunch to talk about which is more disgusting, Oklahoma, or Brooks. Tamra is like a shady aunt to Briana, and her brutal honestly and mutual Brooks’ hatred makes her perfect. Brooks has NO chance with Briana, and every single branch of the Gunvalson family tree hates his guts. Auntie Tamra is confused about what direction to go with her gossiping, a unique dilemma that she blames on the Brooks stench. Tamra spills to Briana that all of the women believe that Brooks is a dirty fibber, and Briana jumps to unload all of her ER backed expertise, obviously condemning Brooks. Brooks lied in the past, and sadly a cancerous pancreas turned out to be just a drunken one. Auntie Tams and Briana agree that Brooks deserves to be offed, and if the cancer doesn’t do it, Briana will take over.
We mercifully switch gears, and join Shannon and her girls, shopping for organic makeup. Shannon’s girls are part of the anxiety-drenched affair restoration process, so hopefully the makeup will help enhance their newfound bliss.
Tamra is strangely planning the whole crowd’s wardrobe for her baptism, and meets up to look at angel-wear with a stylist. Vicki is up for it, to stave off the loneliness, because her ungrateful daughter is back in Oklahoma, stuffed inside her storm cellar, where she belongs. Tamra feels that she has been plunked in the middle of a big sham, and Vicki decides to just proudly attend the event without engaging anyone who is being influenced by Satan. Good luck with that! Vicki knows that Briana hates Brooks’ guts, because she’s used to everyone, with the exception of the grateful Jim Edmonds, loathing him. It’s the big day, and Tamra is nervous, as she is getting her hair and makeup professionally done to dunk UNDER WATER. All of this preening and styling business is simply nonsense, and I am embarrassed for Pastor Mike.
We jump over to the TMI Beador couple, where we learn that Shannon has colonic apparatus stuck in her butt. Dr. Moon doesn’t deal with anus issues, and has probably wisely blocked her number to thwart the crazy phone calls. David admires his wardrobe choice in the mirror, and ignores her. The Dubrows pull out their priciest white-wear for the occasion, and discuss David being forced to roll up his sleeve and dig for Shannon’s butt litter. Jimmy and Meghan FaceTime about
bratty Hayley, who bailed when she learned she was being forced to wear a meaningless white dress. Jim encourages his trophy babe to let it go, and go have fun being annoying without him. Vicki and brother Billy prepare to leave, and woo-hoo out the door, as they share memories of their mom. Shannon and David prepare to leave as David scours underneath his fingernails, wondering how far up Shannon’s butt he has to go, to prove that he loves his loon of a wife.
The cast groups up, and throws a few back while they extol Tamra’s new virtuous reality, and Vicki’s evil plot to dupe them all. Vicki comments that conflict just can’t happen at a Jesus party, but we all know that she’s wrong about that too.
The season finale is next week, as Tamra begins anew, and the same old battle mercifully concludes.