The Real Housewives of Orange County opens with joining David and Shannon on a date night. David learned his lesson the hard way, and came through big, picking a romantic locale for some low-cal togetherness. I am relieved for him, as Shannon recalls the exercise torture that has allowed her to bust out her Yolanda Foster inspired white jeans. Shannon shares that she spent her day sweating and gossiping, as David works to focus, and act like he cares. Shannon doesn’t understand why her friendship with Vicki is crumbling, forgetting that she broke her heart, by abandoning her to join Tamra and her minions. Shannon keeps twisting the knife, by reading a text aloud from Vicki, while shaking her head at the undeserved expression of angry disappointment. Shannon feels like a punching bag, and surely should be able to empathize with her beaten up ex-bestie.
We jump over to Tamra’s, where she is meeting up with Pastor Mike, to discuss her baptism. Mike reiterates the phrase “sincere heart,” and watches for Tamra to flinch, reminding her that baptism is for the imperfect. Tamra isn’t even aware that baptism is a public statement of faith, so I say, back to the drawing board, Pastor Mike! Being baptized is Tamra’s coming out for Jesus party, and she is ready to print t-shirts and make a buck to celebrate. Tamra wishes that her whole family could be active in the church, especially her loser son Ryan. Tamra has messed Ryan up, but Mike gently reminds her that she has it in her to change soon, today, and NOW PLEASE! That would indeed be the most earth shattering evidence of God, in the OC!
In tired cancer news, Lenka the life coach has graciously set up a televised doctor’s visit for Brooks and Vicki. Dr. Zermeno is on the case, Lenka is a cancer starving pro, and the doc is an expert at rebuilding a beaten down immune system. The doc has Brooks’ medical records, babbles about replenishing his nutrients, and maneuvers his blood. It’s all gross, and not why I watch the trashy Housewives shows. Brooks shoots darts at Vicki when the doc mentions stress, as the camera zooms in on a printed page, representing a medical document. This scene is worse than a boring Bravo bikini waxing episode, and I am beyond over it.
Terry and Heather arrive in Minneapolis, and botch things right away, when they confuse Mary Tyler Moore with Marlo Thomas. Terry is intimidated, and wishes that he was hacking into a patient instead. Lynne, the host, pep talks them, emphasizing the epic nature of hawking their skin care line. Heather is worried about her lame amateur partner, and is worried that he really may screw it up. They hit rehearsal, Heather slays the pitch, while Terry fumbles around, puzzling Heather with his clunky failure.
We hop over to Ryan and Sarah’s rental, where Tamra is micromanaging a diaper change. Ryan hopes to find a job, Sarah has lost her business, and their relationship is spiraling out of control. Tamra pushes Sarah to get Ryan into counseling, because his soul needs saving, as does his taste in headwear.
We check in with Meghan and Hayley, and learn that Meghan’s drill sergeant rules have been too much for the teen. Meghan decides to conform to the adolescent, which is definitely a perfect personality match. Meghan is maturely humbled, and freed to be an eternal teenager, a win win. Hayley is installed as a spoiled rotten navigator, so she is up for it.
Back with Heather and Terry, the couple discusses the sucky rehearsal, while they knock back some drinks. Heather coaches her hub through his insecurity, by giving him a headache.
Over at Vicki’s, Tamra, the dim bulb, arrives to hear Vicki and Brooks defend his illness. Vicki hopes that Tamra will look at Brooks’ scan and shut everyone up. Tamra doesn’t have the smarts to comprehend the paperwork, and Vicki looks sad and beaten down.
Vicki appears annoyed that Brooks kowtowed to the nonsense, and Tamra vows to openly share her confusion with the others, and be Vicki’s backstabbing warrior.
Terry and Heather prepare to hit the stage, and they mutually gasp over Heather’s owly beauty. Heather looks classy and boob-covered so they are good to go. Heather announces that Tamra has messaged them her well wishes, and shares that Meghan is holding a live snark-viewing party. Terry is giddy that so many women will be admiring his clunkiness at the same time. Lizzie, Tamra, and Shannon arrive for the get together, as Terry and Heather hit the set.
Evine Live kicks off, as the women gather around to rip the Dubrows to shreds. Dr. Meghan strikes first, wondering why her fellow pro is minus his stethoscope. Terry kills his performance, while the women throw out jabs. The gaggle decides to call in and harass their friends on the air, and embarrass themselves on Bravo. Tamra whips out her hillbilly stripper persona as the women thrash around, as if the stupid display is hilarious. Terry likes the attention, but you can almost see Heather grit her teeth though her $ pupils, and plastic grin. Tamra continues her juvenile stand-up routine, rambling until Heather politely tells them to get lost. Bravo probably pushed these antics, but I thought the whole display was disrespectful, and obnoxious. Production is thrilled with the Dubrows, and lots of happy happy money makes any marriage better!
Lizzie leaves, and Shannon cracks opens the gossip sesh. We learn that her lungs are as damaged as her leaky bladder, and GUESS WHAT…she just had a cat scan at the same place that fibber Brooks claimed to have been tested. Vicki naively sent out a group text to ask her piranha friends to shut up and pray. Meghan is shocked that Vicki never openly shared about her boyfriend’s organ masses, because in Dr. Headband’s Cancer World, this news is major. Meghan proudly announces that she cracked the mystery, by googling the facility and making a couple of phone calls, discovering that Brooks is actually an extra filthy liar.
Shannon and Tamra pant at the info, rather than calling out Meghan for acting like a stalker loon, with frightful taste in accessories. Shannon is peeved that she was passed over as Vicki’s spokesperson, forgetting her recent traitor tendencies. Tamra believes that she was used as a pawn, due to her limited intellectual capabilities, and Meghan thinks that her expertise should have been sought, because she was the only one who asked about Terry’s stethoscope. Meghan is incensed that the dumbest of the group was enlisted, and Tamra is too slow to even be insulted at the others marveling over Vicki’s ludicrous pick. Meghan continues to foolishly rant, asserting that even if Brooks is on death’s door, his protocol has been hurtful to random people in pain, around the globe.
Meghan wants truth and justice, and Tamra switches dimwit gears, and spouts sheer wisdom, when she encourages backing off, and letting God be the judge. HALLELUJAH and AMEN! Until next week!