As I begin to watch this week’s episode of Sister Wives, I am surprised at how differently I am looking at this “family,” knowing what I do now, about what was going on behind the scenes with ol’ Mare. I am half intrigued, half horrified to watch with sharpened vision, so here we go! We begin with Robyn hunting down her divorce papers, to help the legal HELL the Browns are enduring, in order to claim complete ownership of another man’s children. Kody is wearing an odd, faux velvet blazer as he refreshes our memory about the adoption plan. Kody wants a Montana adoption to get a harem-friendly judge, and the whole crew heads over to Lawyer Ron’s to get the skinny.
Robyn tells us that her ex is ignoring her lawyer, so they took action to have him served. Robyn begins to hyperventilate as she gasps out that her ex had better stay still, and sign the papers, or else. Mannequin Mare looks unfazed and detached as Robyn staggers away. TLC cameras shockingly black out, cutting the interview, to throw Robyn a paper bag to stick her head into. Hardly earth-shattering, considering the real shockers the viewers have been exposed to this past week! Robyn explains that her overwhelmed state threw her into panicky stupor, because of hearing about the damage this will cause her ex and his family. Robyn has been tirelessly trying to convince him not to worry, because complete legal claim doesn’t mean he still can’t continue his pathetic excuse for a relationship with his kids. Robyn really doesn’t want a war with the loser, so they hope that he caves, and waves his white flag within a month. Mare looks fetching, in head to toe denim.
Kody and Christine are headed to Galveston for a dose of anniversary therapy. She’s not Robyn, after all, so the couple needs help, BAD. Kody kisses two (one like he meant it) of the others goodbye, while the couple giggles and waits for chauffeur Mare to haul them to the airport. Kody plants a goodbye kiss on Aurora’s lips, which I find disturbing. Nancy the therapist is along for the ride to referee, and counsel the couple. Christine admits that every day is brutal on the Brown cul-de-sac, and she hopes a walk on the beach will be a nice refreshing break from the torture. Mare pitches in to load the luggage, clearly happy to be alone with her computer for a few days. Kody and Christine check into the inn, as Pat, their old marriage counselor, pops in for a hello. Kody is hot for Pat, probably because she is a gifted validator of all things creepy.
The couple and Nancy head to the beach, and the Browns draw lines in the sand, embracing over their joyous decision to never run like the wind from their distant commitment. We flash to the other women, happily bantering about their crabby Kodes, except Mare, who looks peeved. They emerge the next morning as pirates, ready to gleefully celebrate those zany ocean bandits. They hit the local pirate museum, and play along with the camera-loving tour guide. TLC jumps back to the other wives offering commentary, and Mare is detached, silent, and almost rolling her eyes. Nancy sits the couple down, to intensely hash out their issues. Christine admits that she was once a jealous wreck, evidently lying her way through the first few seasons of Sister Wives. Kody shut her down back then, and explains that he now has to find a way for Christine to hate her life more quietly, and off camera. Their communication stinks, and they don’t trust each other. There is no intimacy, but that just means more Kodes-love for lucky, panicked Robyn. Kody’s replacement, Christine’s mom, weighs in, and is glad that they are both gone, so she can just pretend she isn’t in this polygamous nightmare. The couple works on building a rock structure to represent their relationship, and Kody bulldozes the project, symbolically butting the whole family into Christine’s romance with her checked-out hubby.
Christine gives up, and lets Kody win the stupid tower project. Kody comments that Christine was a latecomer, and doesn’t deserve her own tower, while he places the perfect heart ‘Robyn’ rock on top. Kody doesn’t think that Christine even likes the other wives, and Christine assures us that she thinks they’re alright, when she needs a sitter. They hit a fancy restaurant for their anniversary, and Kody has been having so much pirate fun, that he almost forgot the nightmare of the last 21 years. Christine has a breakthrough, finally realizing that Kody will never be about her, adding that he always works hard to pay attention to the children who have to scream for his time. The lovebirds take one last walk on the beach with that hottie Pat. Kody has always had a hard time acknowledging the ongoing misery around him, because it’s just more fun over at Robyn’s house. Kody promises to understand the massive pain that surrounds him, and Christine knows that the same old hell is about to start all over again.
The Christine hour airs next, so wife #3 can feel important already, so the Robyn and Kody show can resume. The Browns sits in a row, and Mare exhibits classic, pissed-off body lingo. Both episodes are a bit of a snooze, especially compared to the current Brown fishy reality. One thing we can all take away, is while leggings are a must for fluctuating weight, the patterned ones seen on these episodes should be burned. See you next week, as Mare’s clarified reality rolls on.