We pick up right where we left off, as The Real Housewives of Orange County kicks off, at Shannon’s Pier One party. Tamra is raging that anyone dare call her a chronic instigator, Vicki is frustrated, and Heather steps in to impart her know-it-all wisdom to the worked-up peasants. Heather knows that every last one of them is a buttinski gossip, and wants to come clean to Vicki, who obviously knows that her cast mates would be major snoozes without her boyfriend’s illness. Heather admits that she has been yapping about Brooks also, and does break it down to Vicki’s face rather than hissing behind her back. Heather spills that she went to Brooks’ doctor to get her cellulite blasted, raising questions about the pro’s credibility.
Someone is lying, and it sure isn’t Heather’s skinny lumpy thighs. Vicki lets us know that Brooks is restarting chemo, and Brooks is peeved that the women are watching him like a hawk. Heather brazenly wants Brooks to produce medical proof, and Vicki responds by asking for Heather’s cellulite records as a swap. She comments that it’s really none of ANYONE’S beeswax, including bony, dimply Heather. Shannon calls Vicki a liar, and asserts that she may be in on the sham, revealing why their friendship likely took that nosedive. The gaggle yammers on and on, about someone who has absolutely nothing to do with any of them. Is Vicki being duped by her southern casanova, or just pulling a fast one? Apparently we will be asking this question, until the end of time.
We shift gears to Hayley and her #coolstepmom, who are shopping for a prom dress. Meghan takes the occasion to share her prom memories, and we learn that she single-handedly pulled off making the night a success for her entire school. Meghan describes being a high school rebel, and how it laid the foundation for the gnat-like rabble-rouser who towers over us today. Hayley looks bored and unimpressed. Meghan has decided that her role in Hayley’s life should change to a hip bestie, rather than a lame role model, and that giving a crap about guidance, achievement, or responsibility, is overrated. Meghan comments that no one knows the grip of cancer the way she does….except for, of course, millions of viewers.
Tamra pops in to visit Vicki, and reestablish her
charade relationship as a loyal pal. Tamra apologizes for the screaming banshee reprise she pulled on Brooks, at Shannon’s party. Vicki admits that she should have kept her big woo-hooer shut about Jim’s snarking on his wife, and has a blond moment, when she wonders why Tamra would repeat the juicy nugget. Tamra claims that she isn’t taking sides, at least not whenever Vicki is within earshot. Vicki finds it unconscionable that anyone has to prove an illness, and Tamra says to believe it, and cough up the records. Tamra believes that Brooks has such powerful control over her friend, that Vicki may even begin saying y’all, any day now. Vicki thinks that if Tamra really believed in their friendship, she would shut her gangly, squawking puppet up, and muzzle herself while she’s at it.
Over at the Beadors, Shannon is cooking, and chatting with David about her confusing friendship with Vicki. She is upset that Vicki was entrenched in drama rather than engaged in her oriental shindig. Shannon is on rinse and repeat, babbling on and on about her snubbed doctor referrals. David throws out a few “yes dears,” and clearly just wants his chips and salsa. I am with you David!
Tamra and her sidekick hit the gym, and Tamra vomits out everything that was said at Vicki’s. Tamra reminds us that Meghan has a personal cancer story, and she has every right to act
like a prying lunatic concerned. She pushes Meghan to let it go, and just pray that Brooks hangs himself, or croaks from cancer, whichever comes first.
We catch up with the Dubrows, who are meeting up for a date night. Terry is a peach of a husband, because he is leaving his work behind to stare into Heather’s owl eyes for an hour. Heather wants an owl welcoming tree etched into the resort, and Terry isn’t feeling the sketch. Terry blows it, because he disagreed with Heather, and dissed her ugly birds. Heather wants Terry to express gratitude over the news that she is allowing him to be the tree trunk, and Terry rolls his eyes, and passes.
Ryan, Sarah, and their brood are moving into their new house, and as they check out the rental, Ryan complains and gripes about the finishes and the long drive back home with this annoying pack of females. Eddie smiles through clenched teeth, wishing that he had his $8k back. Ryan is grumpy and moody, because he is in a perpetually emotional struggle over his estrogen-soaked, pitiful life. Tamra tried to tell her little tattooed fella that an instant brood wasn’t the greatest life choice, but at least with her enabling, he can keep the nightmare financially supported.
Heather and Bravo crossover Lisa Rinna meet up, and after squealing over who looks the more effectively nipped and tucked, they sit down to catch up. Lisa and Heather know each other, from crossing paths in the good old days of pavement pounding for acting gigs. Heather needs Lisa’s advice on how to effectively sling the Dubrow skin care line on TV. Heather compliments Lisa on her clothing line success, and Lisa nods, and humbly accepts, while agreeing that she is one shrewd hustler. Lisa encourages her to throw out the rules, and hustle her dimply butt off. Lisa is a proud vag representative, and paraded her diaper all the way to the bank. GO LISA! Heather complains that she wants a thank you from Terry, and Lisa advises her to just ask, because Terry isn’t hip enough to understand how much work goes into her ugly design decisions.
Shannon and Vicki are meeting up for lunch, and I’ll give you three guesses as to why. Shannon whines about Vicki not cutting their friendship cake, instead choosing to leave the horoscope horror show. Vicki shares that she is emotionally struggling, and Shannon launches into her broken record diatribe over cancergate. Shannon’s speech speeds up, and she frenetically demands answers, answers, answers. Vicki tells her to call Brooks, and begs for mercy, and relief from the one-note jabber. Shannon ignores her and wants action, babbling on about pushing Brooks to produce hard truth. Vicki is sad and disappointed, and Shannon needs several Grey Gooses, and STAT.
Next week, the madness continues, as the cancer drama rolls on, in the OC.