The Real Housewives of Orange County begins with Meghan hacking away at an onion in her kitchen. She is cooking dinner, and as her befuddlement at mastering Minute Rice deepens, we jump over to Shannon and Heather sharing a meal together. We boing back and forth between the two duos, as they rehash the previous evening’s trashy themed antics. Heather and Shannon order drinks, and it needs to be said…. if I have to hear the phrase “Grey Goose” one more time this season, I may lose it. Heather blathers about the gross leech therapy, and her hope that her blood has stopped oozing, especially because she has chosen to wear a snow white dress to pique the viewer’s interest in something truly stupid. Last night’s blood bath made Heather fuzzy on who behaved like the biggest wrongdoer, and the gory glitch definitely messed up her know-it-all party lecture circuit.
We flash back to Jim shutting down his wife, while Meghan meaningfully reveals that a crucial lesson learned, that is to never bug her annoyed husband with this stupid reality crap, ever again. Shannon tries to defend Vicki, while acknowledging that her friend’s yapper was out of control. Meghan keeps her stupid persona on point, by brazenly claiming that she is the only cast member with “any relationship” with cancer. Meghan finds Vicki hypocritical, and Shannon asserts that Meghan is young and unacclimated to having a clue.
The Bravo phrase “girl code” is hammered into the ground once again, as we remember how Heather broke it, by ditching Jim’s ex, for a newer model. Heather and Shannon are now fab friends, for no apparent reason.
Meghan does a PSA spot for monthly breast exams, and shares that she has found a lump that she needs to get checked. Jim doesn’t flinch and throws her a “cool.” On a brighter note, the undercooked zucchini and Minute Rice were a smash.
We fly to Oklahoma, where Vicki is spending time with her daughter and her grandsons. In a nutshell, Oklahoma is the tornado capitol of the world, Ryan has had back surgery, Briana is working her butt off, and detests living in a hole in the ground, on her days off. The family decides to choose a nice steak dinner over getting sucked up into a funnel cloud, which Vicki woo-hoos, as a wise choice.
Tamra and Eddie are visiting with Pastor Mike, about Tamra getting to know God. She shares about her custody battle struggle, and how the church helped her through the ordeal. Pastor Mike is encouraged, but his face falls when Tamra mentions the previous evening’s “sex party,” which she assures him was innocent, skanky fun. Tamra wants to be baptized, but is worried that she can’t be herself afterwards. We flash back to a greatest hits reel of some of Tamra’s bitchiest moments, and Mike gently reminds her that God forgives, even the most disgusting of behaviors. Tamra supposedly wants to be a better version of herself, and be forgiven for being the old tacky version, whenever she feels like it. They all agree to go find water, and make it happen.
Vicki, Ryan, Briana and the kids go out to dinner, where Briana shares that she has no friends, or social life. Vicki is proud of them for never seeing the outside of their storm cellar, to give their marriage a solidly isolated, gopher-like start. Briana wants to move back to the pricey OC after their stint in Oklahoma, but would never allow her boys around that terrible, icky Brooks. Vicki generously reminds them that her sorrow is first, but her happiness can be second to theirs, just this once. Nana really wants her family to come back and whoop it up in the OC.
Meghan learns that the lumps are cool, like Jim said, unless they get bigger, which will maybe mean an “infection.” There is no mention of seeking a second opinion, and Meghan has bravely decided to go forward and be tested for the breast cancer gene. Her mom had the Angelina mastectomy, and Meghan is righteously determined to do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, medically imaginable to make sure that she shows Brooks what’s what, in the arena of terminal disease prevention and treatment. My guess is that the results will be cool.
We jump to Heather and Terry, who are meeting with her product pushers, and this time it is the Bravo-classic skin care line. Terry is worried about looking like a fool on a network other than Bravo, and brags that they have invested $1 million, so the typical loser can afford the Dubrow glow. The Shopping Network rep assures him that everyone wants better skin than he has, so the cash should roll in.
The Beador girls are serving dinner at Chez Beador. I am melting, because the occasion is simply adorable. Shannon dresses like an olden times Alexis Carrington, and ironically, David is dressed like a rarin’ of go Hugh Hefner. Alexis shares that she thinks that the event is meant to make up for the sports bar birthday dinner from hell, and assures her children that she and Hugh are committed to happiness. The girls are simply great, and the bobble-head decor adds just the right touch. The dinner and the cute cake is served, and the whole display is simply the sweetest scene ever! On a side note, I really miss Dynasty!
After a shopping spree with Nana and the boys, we find ourselves back at Briana’s place. Vicki gifts the crabby Briana with a new SUV, and the gesture makes Briana uneasy and embarrassed, but she accepts the generous gift. Briana looks like death warmed over, and appears miserable, so maybe a shiny, payment-free ride will help.
We jump to Tamra and Eddie, who are eating dinner, and reliving the exciting embarrassment of Tamra’s black lace monstrosity. They discuss Brooks’ vibrant, lookin’ good mortality, and Vicki’s tendency to exaggerate death. Tamra spills that she dished out $8k to her 30-year-old son, to live close to his mommy. Eddie is peeved, and dubs the cash a loan. Eddie calls Tamra a chronic enabler, and refuses to participate in supporting a dozen kids, with a train wreck for a dad. Eddie pushes Tamra to allow Ryan to fail like a man, but Tamra is all about bailing out her favorite cuddly grown-up. They agree to make it a loan, with Tamra crossing her fingers behind her back, knowing that she will never ask for it back. I’m gonna tell Pastor Mike.
Back in Tornado Alley, Vicki and Briana are talking about she and the boys coming to the OC for a visit. Brooks will be away, but Briana wants to stay in a hotel, because she will simply not stay in a house with the same air that Brooks once inhaled. She tries to save face and make the decision about having two young boys, but Vicki storms out, and tries to drag Briana away, to talk off-camera about her crabby hatred.
We get a rare peek at a Bravo camera, as Vicki demands for the filming to cease. Vicki and Briana argue behind the door, about Brooks and his illness hogging up the family square footage. Briana thinks that her mom just wants to protect Brooks’ ass, and it’s completely fine if Briana looks heartless, as long as she looks that way in a shiny new SUV.
See you next week, when the old version of Tamra throws down with the skinny version of Brooks, as the drama rolls on.