We start this episode of Million Dollar Listing San Francisco with Andrew visiting Tiburon, California. He says that celebrities like George Lucas, Sean Penn and (ahem) Huey Lewis have homes in Tiburon. Seriously? Did Andrew just name-drop Huey Lewis? I guess it’s hip to be square.
The seller and her young son show Andrew around their palatial estate that has an indoor pool, 3 kitchens, 6 terraces, 2 levels, 8 bathrooms, 3 living rooms, 2 theatre rooms, 7 bedrooms and a partridge in a pear tree. Andrew is giddy with excitement. The house also has a vineyard. Does everyone on this show own a vineyard? Sign me up!
The seller thinks her home is worth $18 million. Andrew thinks it is worth $20 million. I was shocked because I think this is the first episode of any Million Dollar Listing show where the seller asked for less money than market price. Oh wait, nope – the seller’s son thinks $20 million is low because five kids grew up in this house. Someone needs to teach the son that buyers don’t care how many memories you made in this house. The seller agrees to the $20 million dollar listing price and her son tells Andrew that he better get cracking. Andrew does not look amused!
Meanwhile Justin is looking at a lofted home with an actual firepole from a former fire station. Doesn’t everyone have a firepole? The unit is on FIVE levels. The seller must have calves of steel to constantly be going up and down five flights of stairs. The seller wants $4 million which Justin scoffs as being too high. Ahhh yes, back to sellers who want more money than the market can bear. The seller almost vomits when Justin says he sees more of a $2 million dollar range. Which sets Justin sputtering and he says he didn’t mean a “Two two – but more like a two that feels like a three.” Listen Justin, if the money doesn’t spend like $3 million, it’s not $3 million. But evidently Justin’s fast-talking works as the seller agrees to a $2.995 million selling price. Justin says he is going to sell this b*tch. Language please, floppy haired man!
Roh is teaming up with a broker named Robert who is about to go on vacation to Machu Picchu (and yes, I had to spell check that!) They look at a seller’s property that has periwinkle cabinets in its chef’s kitchen. It also has a Japanese garden. I say “yes” to the Japanese garden and “no” to the periwinkle! The sellers wants $1.3 million. Roh thinks he can get more. Robert thinks it needs a lower price. Ruh-Roh! Trouble in paradise! Robert and Roh start squabbling in front of the sellers. And Robert stutters “Whoa Roh” which is the best rhyme of this episode. AWKWARD! Roh thinks Robert needs to stop talking and get on his plane to Peru. The sellers have known Robert for a long time and they chose to go with his lower selling price instead of pricing it at Roh’s. However Roh says he is still going to get them more money! The sellers, a gay couple, are about to adopt a daughter named Apple. Are they adopting Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter? In a somewhat awkward confessional, Roh admits that gay parents adopting is a foreign concept to him. He says he doesn’t want to be “that ignorant guy” but it’s a topic he needs to think about more.
Andrew is back in Tiburon and the seller’s son Louis is talking like a serial killer. We find out the reason that the young hottie had been jumped by several guys, broke his jaw and now it is wired shut. Who knew Tiburon was so scary? Louis wants to have a big party to showcase the house. Andrew is skeptical and Louis tells him that he needs to focus more on “I cans” vs. “I can’ts.” I think Louis just wants to party while his parents are out of town. Andrew wishes Louis’s jaw had been wired tighter.
Justin decides the best way to show off the firehouse listing is to have half-naked male and female models in firemen gear pass out champagne. Justin thinks sex sells. I think Justin needs a haircut and better hair styling products. Potato-Pot-tah-to. The open house real estate agents are evidently very out of shape as they start crying going from level to level in the five level unit.
Roh and his lovely wife are hanging out with their adorable infant daughter. Roh admits to his wife that he was taken aback at the thought of gay adoption in terms of his Islamic heritage. His wife says that in her childhood, her family valued more whether a person was a good person and good parent versus their sexuality. I have to admit that for a guy who makes his living by selling property in a city with a large homosexual population, I am shocked that Roh would talk about his feelings about gay adoption on reality television. BUT I do think he approaches it in a respectful way and admits he needs to address his thoughts and try to grow. This was a little more “After School Special” than I thought Bravo TV would consider.
The sexy firemen models did not detract buyers from realizing that climbing up and down five levels is a major pain in the butt. The brokers tell Justin to call them after an elevator is installed. Justin tells the seller she needs to lower the price. The seller coughs up a hair ball of indignation. She refuses to lower the price.
Andrew has seven cases of wine for his open house – which I am calling “Louis-palooza.” Even with his jaw wired shut, Louis manages to grunt out a ton of orders to Andrew and thinks they need more alcohol. The potential buyers and agents are rude, rude, rude. They scream at Andrew to speak up because they can’t hear him as he gives a tour. Louis and his wired jaw shows up to join the tour. Andrew says “Yeah, that would be awesome” in the most banal voice. At the beginning of this episode, I thought Louis was super hot – but his personality is making him ugly fast.
Justin name-drops Jefferson Airplane and the President of Banana Republic. Is this star tours? Justin’s hair gets bigger and bigger in each episode’s confessionals.
Roh goes out to lunch with his gay couple sellers and their foster daughter Apple who they just adopted (don’t tell Gwyneth!) Roh says he needs to step out of his comfort zone. To my surprise, he tells the warm-hearted gay couple that he is from Afghanistan and a conservative Islamic background and he didn’t know how to feel about it when he heard they were adopting a daughter. Because this isn’t a Real Housewives show, the gay couple do not throw their drinks in Roh’s face. Instead they ask him to elaborate on his feelings. Both of the gentleman are from the South and they discussed having to be closeted early on. They have an interesting conversation but again, it does feel a little too “After School Special” to me. Like I’m half expecting the NBC “The More You Know” public service announcement banner to show on screen. But I guess I prefer to watch an open, respectful conversation on homosexuality than a fake politically correct farce. What are your thoughts on this? Tell me what you think if this in the comments section below.
Louis meanwhile thinks the house tour is a history of his family tour. He talks about a specially made kitchen table that is not for sale with the house. He pointed out where he and his siblings did their homework. Then for some unknown reason, Andrew rides an old timey bicycle right into the indoor pool. Louis is so angry I think he is going to pop open his wired jaw. And by the way Andrew, if you plan on going into the pool don’t wear an all white outfit. Just some advice from me to you.
Roh has a Thursday night open house. Things seem to be going well, but then Justin arrives with a client who has hair from an Austin Powers movie. Justin must have studied up on one of those Game Player Hook Up classes because he is throwing out “negs” – negative comments about everything in the property to try to make the condo have low self-esteem and jump into bed with him – um wait, I mean lower the selling price.
Roh does not look amused with Justin’s nit-picking. Roh questions whether Justin even has any clients and whether he can close any deals at all. His Austin Powers client looks excited to witness the drama. Roh tells Justin he is lazy as hell. Justin starts making physical violence threats toward Roh. Uncool, Justin, uncool. A bitter way to end this episode. Next week we will see if Justin and Roh come to blows in front of Austin Powers.