The Real Housewives of Orange County opens in the Beador living room, where the twins are getting lectured after going buck wild during their virgin sleepover, and TP-ing a classmate’s house. Soggy TP in trees is vandalism with a capital ‘V’, and I feel compelled to sit up straight, as the twins squelch their giggles. David stifles a grin, and he tries to hide his pride for his little hoodlums, as he wistfully shares about his good ol’ days of property destruction. Stella’s fresh mouth nails it when she comments that her parents are only fun drunk, and Shannon protests, claiming that when her lungs are clear, she has plenty of sober, daylight amusement.
The Beadors want the girls to write letters of remorse to the homeowners, which horrifies them, because it was obviously a cutie pie boy’s home that got the treatment. The party pooping Beador pair just don’t understand 10 year olds, and the twins can’t, in good conscience, make a serious commitment to stay away from the Charmin. David and Shannon are simply the worst, at least before happy hour, and admit that though they stood united in cause, this moral lesson was a big flop. A mirage then appears on the screen, or rather Meghan and Jim Edmonds actually appearing in a date scene together.
Meghan is excited to be with her husband, and Jim is thrilled to be with his hamburger. They discuss their favorite part-time
delinquent daughter, Hayley, and Meghan spills that she agrees with Vicki about demanding more from her step-daughter. Meghan also implies that it would have behooved Hayley to have made her appearance via her birth canal to begin with, to avoid such a lame upbringing. Jim is a lax parent, has low standards, and wants Meghan to back off with her unrealistic expectations, like expecting a teenager to accept some responsibility, and rinse out a dish once in awhile. Jim encourages Meghan to shoot for the stars, and just do whatever she feels like, on her very laziest day.
Over at the Judges, we gaze at Eddie’s muscles, and learn that he and Tamra are hitting it more often, because they can actually stand the sight of each other recently. The exciting news is shared that Ryan and Sarah are heading back to the OC, but certainly won’t be allowed anywhere in the vicinity of Cut Fitness. A snoozy rewind is next, when we learn that another psychic is on tap, but this one is even spookier than the last ten Bravo hires. Yawn.
We join Brooks and Vicki talking about her motherless funk, and how Brooks is always faithfully there for her. Brooks is going to a new doctor, and Vicki just wants him healed, so he can be there to fill her love tank.
We hop over to the other girls meeting for lunch, to gossip about Tahiti. Tamra is still offended by being classified spot-on by Shannon, and credits Meghan for triggering Shannon’s unfair snark. Tamra’s bestie psychic, Scott, arrives, surprising Heather with his surprisingly cute presence, but Heather wishes he had shown up at the restaurant, shirtless. Huh? Heather’s harshly sculpted face, and intense owl eyes are a little scary focusing on Scott, but Heather’s dead grandmother breaks the tension, by busting through to say hi. Scott predicts that Meghan will have a child, and she looks relieved to have a do-over opportunity with a fresh model. No mention of whom the father may be.
Scott advises Meghan to cut the fake crap, and find her fearless selfish place. Meghan rolls her eyes in relief at the revealed gospel truth, agreeing that she needs to take a break from her constant sacrificial generosity. Tamra asks him about the now beaten into the ground sh*t stirrer comment, and Shannon’s ongoing random hatred for Meghan. Scott pegs Shannon as threatened by Meghan, and Meghan smirks and tells us that she knew it all along. Scott is vibing that Vicki has a good heart, but reveals the shocker that Brooks’ cancer could really be categorized as Stage Wishy-Washy. Mum’s the word though, so Vicki doesn’t flip, and confirm Shannon’s bullseye assessment of Tamra.
We jump to Cut Fitness next, where Tamra is teaching a booty class. Meghan is happy that she won’t have to take a break from her sacrificial existence to trek to Brazil for an implant hack job, in order to develop a backside. Vicki, Shannon and Heather arrive for the class, and in a side note, Shannon shares her bewilderment at America’s ass worship. Amen. The girls start with a jog around the building, but Shannon chooses to stroll around the room doing Kegels instead, to thwart peeing through her tights. Shannon is hilarious throughout the whole class, and nails it by not leaking once. Vicki weathers the workout by flipping Tamra the bird.
After the class, it’s dessert and sake time, because it’s Brooks’ birthday, and Tamra evidently wants to scarf cake. Brooks swings by and is grateful, and Vicki is happy that no one is outwardly hating her man’s guts on his special day. Brooks spills that he is axing chemo, and shooting red wine antioxidants instead, to cure his past, I mean present, lingering cancer. The women gape, Meghan asks an obviously scripted oncology question, and Shannon struggles to keep her overbearing treatment advice to herself. I smell a new branded miracle product in the works…or a dirty, lying, healthy, Southern rat. Tamra obnoxiously schools Vicki for not following Brooks to every doctor’s visit, obviously dragging Vicki into the possible charade.
Ryan and Sarah pop in and lighten the mood, just in time. Baby Ava is passed around, and it’s cute. Tamra baits Shannon to dish details about Brooks and his treatments, and questions arise regarding his medical records. Meghan spills that Scott believes that Brooks is a big, bald faker, and the allegation upsets Shannon. They all gossip about the possibility that Scott is right, and Meghan throws in her two cents, by adding a fresh layer of stupid, with more naive commentary.
The celebration continues, when Vicki and Brooks meet up with Shannon and David for a birthday dinner. The dirty psychic secret is blazing a hole in Shannon’s conscience, and Brooks’ ordering cancer fueling cocktails pushes her over the edge. She drags Vicki to the bathroom, and tearfully spills that Meghan is a blabbing sh*t stirrer. Vicki covers her ears and lalalalas it, and Shannon agrees through gasping, to shut up. Vicki can’t keep her enraged disgust secret, and returns to the table agitated. Shannon shakily blubbers that she loves them all and won’t pollute the table with such scandalous dirt.
Brooks and Vicki can’t imagine anything coming out of Meghan other than ignorant blather, and Vicki just wishes that Shannon would cut the waterworks. Shannon won’t can it, so Vicki blows, and has a hissy fit, ranting over the negative accusations that have dogged her man-love during their lengthy romance. David and Shannon look at each other sheepishly, and declare themselves failures once again, bringing us full circle. What do you think the wishy-washy deal is with Brooks?
See you next week, when things really heat up, in the OC!