RECAP: Don’t Be Tardy “On The Move”

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The day Bravo audiences have been bravely waiting for arrived Sunday night, with the kickoff of a new season with the Biermann bunch in their reality show, Don’t Be Tardy. An ex Atlanta Housewife, hitched to a small town NFL player, multiplying like bunnies is always fun, equaling a sure-fire hit for Bravo. 

While I always found Kim Zolciak tacky and trashy, I did hold hope that a new life with a straight-laced new hubby may produce a cute show.  In the early days of the project, it looked like there was some faint hope, although after cringing through the first episode of this season, I am officially deleting this contrived hot mess of an half hour off my DVR.  Some of the charmingly revolting new developments in the production are clearly designed to UP the gross factor, and drop viewer jaws anew.  I’ll pass.

An Atlanta chef named Tracey Bloom has joined the crew, who along with little sous chef KJ, cooks the family meals. KJ has delightfully morphed into a smart-mouthed, pint-sized boss, which Kim interprets as “genius.”  During the premiere, he and Tracey whip up fiery meatballs, sure to “spice your ass off,” during KJ’s next bathroom visit. Tracey keeps Kim in trashy stitches all day long, making her a perfect fit.  Later, Tracey shares her family learned dog grooming secrets, including her ability to extract dog testicles. We are also treated to a clip where Tracey blows air on their little pup’s penis, with background noise of the family guffawing and cheering over the doggie “blow job.”  Goody.

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Her stylist Shun pops in for a visit, and aside from her cheap style, is bearable. They discuss Kim’s signature slutty aesthetic, and the term  “tits” is thrown around like a word triggering a drinking game.  Shun brings Brielle a pair of hooker shoes, proclaiming that the five inch heel is “not too high” for a child, whom they wish could stay 12 forever. Come on…a twelve year old wearing a Dolly Parton inspired wig, and hooker heels wouldn’t be appropriate.

We meet Slade, Brielle’s new wonderful boyfriend.  We learn that Slade is dumb as rocks, and Brielle has decided to join him.  We sit in on an overworked, brain numbing scene where the teen lovebirds discuss the crucial need to Google the difference between a crab cake and carrot cake. We are told that Slade and Brielle are adorably identical to Kim and Kroy, just with a slightly higher dunce factor.  Bravo has evidently decided to flash us back and revive the old Jessica Simpson dingbat formula, and it is beyond forced. 

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The gluttonous display of material spending continues to take center stage, with Kim proudly proclaiming that her closet is insured for $2 million. Pretty pricey lifestyle for a player operating under a single year contract with the Falcons. Zolciak is obviously continuing her journey under the knife, becoming more mannequin-chic with every passing episode.  Some things never change. A few cute scenes with the kiddos were thrown in, but if you blinked, you would miss them.  This show has jumped the shark for me, and that shark is swimming in one rancid ocean of contrived reality.  See ya Kim.


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