We join the women of The Real Housewives of Orange County on a nauseous note, with Vicki and Tamra waking up after their bender in Moorea. We stumble down a boozy memory lane, as Tamra proudly announces that she and Vicki have never been more hammered. We jump over to Shannon, who makes me laugh, as she complains that she has headache, and a candy hangover. Meghan proudly announces that due to her naive youth, or maybe because of not actually getting drunk, she isn’t hungover. Heather arrives for the helmet diving excursion, Vicki is barfing, and Shannon decides to stay in and breathe for awhile.
Heather and Tamra leave to meet the others, and to escape the heaving concert in the room. The girls jump on the boat and get set to helmet dive. Basically, the women sit under shallow water and pat wildlife, and it looks cool. While Lizzie and Heather chill on the ocean floor, Tamra and Meghan chat about their marriages, as Tamra’s segue to excitedly blather about the dinner conversation the night before. We learn that Meghan and Jimmy’s first wife, Allison, are not friendly, due to a cryptic “set of experiences.” Tamra chickens out of the dive, obviously more comfortable obnoxiously gossiping away all of the above the surface oxygen.
Shannon and Vicki are relaxing on the beach, having cocktails, and expressing disgust at themselves for drinking like crazy lushes the night before. They shake it off, and clink their drinks to another tipsy day. They discuss David’s affair, and we hear that it lasted about 8 months, and that Shannon and the other woman actually became friends during the betrayal, upping the horror. Vicki regrets her divorce from Don, because it was an expensive, polarizing ordeal, and it would have been way less work to just hang out as an old lady with an empty love tank. Shannon appreciates Vicki’s loyalty, because she really blew it trusting Blabbermouth Judge last season. The pair stumble into the water like two Golden Girls, and their friendship really is pretty cute.
The women gather for dinner, and Vicki and Shannon decide that composure is key, and their friendship journey has been a thing of blurry beauty. The fire dancers kick off, and thankfully no flapping wieners were injured during the show. Tamra AGAIN stirs it up by questioning if any gossip was going on during their day apart, with Meghan chiming in to whine about the group talking about their favorite subject, HER, the night before. Tamra admitted that the group chatted about her weirdly possessive thoughts about her step-children, and Vicki admitted that she would tell a bitch to back off, if she was in the shoes of any of Jim’s exes. Meghan wishes that she had birthed every last one of them, but besides her step-children coming out of the wrong women, she wouldn’t change a thing. She loves the birth-mothers, except the one she referred to as “a very unhappy person,” who triggered a rough “set of experiences.”
Meghan pushes them to spill every snarky syllable, and Tamra throws in that they chatted about Heather being pals with Allison. Heather calls Shannon out for calling her a girl code violator, as predictably spilled by Tamra. Shannon denies saying anything nasty, and Tamra denies being a dirty snitch. Vicki gasps “Tamra!” …like Tamra’s back-stabbing pie-hole is some big shock, and Heather obviously believes that Tamra is the big-mouth behind the mess. Shannon decides that it’s impossible to have fun with Tamra, because she can’t say anything interesting without getting nailed for it later.
Tamra drags Vicki to the bathroom to gasp, and chatter about Heather. Tamra blames Heather for stealing the spotlight as the show’s rat-fink, and back at the table, Shannon states the obvious, labeling Tamra as a pot-stirrer. Meghan loves Tamra, because she is a role model for all things immature, and Shannon agrees that Tamra is a pretty fun little squealer. Tamra is peeved that Heather threw her to the wolves, and was making a big deal out of nothing. After all, that is HER job. The gaggle of gossips toasts to their pot-stirring friendship journey, before they leave dinner.
The gang hops into the golf carts, with Vicki and Tamra being chosen as drivers, because Heather only sits in back seats, and Shannon loves to live on the edge, every moment she’s not in a doctor’s office. Meghan jumps at the chance to have Tamra’s ear to herself, and tattles that Shannon labeled her a pot-stirrer. YAWN. Meghan is either too new or too dumb to know that this assessment was written in the Bravo stars long before she even knew what the word “gold-digger” meant. Tamra is aghast at the idea that her generous, confusion-clearing honesty has been misconstrued, and marvels at the way a simple potty break can trigger all gossip hell to break loose. The tidbit angers Tamra and she joins Vicki in the life threatening golf cart race. Shannon slurs out cheers of encouragement, and Heather takes over the wheel, trying to not to grimace at her socio-economic demotion.
Meghan naively comments that she is a true and loyal friend, who will always righteously spill the beans, and it has nothing to do with her greatest desire to be just like the franchise’s lead tattletale. Vicki’s golf cart is victorious, and Tamra pounces on Shannon, to nail her to the wall. Meghan and Shannon shoot each other knowing looks, as Shannon rants about Meghan’s third grade mentality. Meghan keeps rambling, and Shannon busts in and makes the brilliant observation that every one of them can, and has stirred up the chattery sludge. Meghan appears to be auditioning for next season, and is failing miserably. The term “POT- STIRRING” is pounded into the dirt…why didn’t Bravo save this episode for when we are sitting in a kitchen with a stove laden with boldly branded cookware?
We are treated to a fun filler scene with the girls jumping in the water, with champagne, and I wish we could have CUT the repetitive backbiting for more of that!
The girls pack up to leave Moorea, and give one last wave to the staff. As they board the ferry, Vicki lays out the plan for the last night of the trip. Vicki shares that she is buying Briana a new car, to cure her acute crabbiness. Nothing says “I love you, but please shut up.” like a new shiny vehicle! Meghan shares that Hayley Edmonds calls the shots in their house, and Vicki thinks that she and Jim are creating a rotten monster. Hayley has no job, school, or responsibility. Meghan objects, because she’s not that kid’s mother anyway, especially when she acts like a spoiled brat.
Back in Tahiti, we hear that David is a romantic texter and has come through like a dreamy champ. Shannon speaks to my hero, and champion TP-er, Stella, who basically just blames her mom’s uptightness to simply being an old bag. Meghan emerges for dinner dressed as a cross between Stevie Nicks and a fortune teller, which Tamra enjoys pointing out. Meghan apologizes for being immature, and for having the worst taste in headwear ever, with Lizzie a close second.
Vicki is happy that the gang has accepted Brooks, but is sad about Briana not feeling the same way. The women are lovingly ready to begin anew…at least until next week! See you then!