We start the latest episode of Million Dollar Listing San Francisco with Justin driving in the South of Market Area – clueless in a maze of dead end streets and one way streets. I’d make a snarky comment but since I also drive like a clueless freak, I must stay silent. Justin is meeting an attractive blond who he last saw in Paris. The MDLSF producers try to convince Justin that he should date her. Wow, didn’t realize this was Million Dollar Matchmaker. Justin spends more time looking at the blond’s skirt, legs and shoes versus the loft for sale. Roll that tongue back in, Justin. The producers ask Justin if he’s good at flirting. He responds “not at all”- color us shocked.
Meanwhile Roh is in the Marina area of San Francisco. One of his colleagues is selling her awesome 5700 square foot Spanish Mediterranean home. I am obviously doing something wrong with my life that I am not living in a palace like this! Color me bitter. Roh’s winning smile works its magic once again and his colleague hires him instead of another agent in their office.
Andrew is in NoPa- North of the Panhandle area, which used to be as he describes a “sh*thole”- don’t hold back on your descriptions! The client has two dogs named Daisy and Tulip. Or as I call them “Aneurysm inducing yapsters!” The best thing about this real estate listing is a 70’s era “Saturday Night Live Fever” style bar mitzvah photo that looks like a joke, but is NOT. Wait, correction the best thing about this listing is the HOT dog nanny. The seller spends a little too much time staring at the dog nanny’s butt. I’ll criticize but I can’t blame him. Watching Andrew trying to feign interest in this seller’s life is true comedy. The seller does a little half-shimmy and tells Andrew “to do your THING!” in a sing-songy voice. No, that’s not scary whatsoever. Then the seller tells Andrew he wouldn’t even have him here if Mercury wasn’t out of retrograde. Oh honey, I feel your pain. My horoscope says I am not supposed to be dating until September 6 when Venus is out of retrograde. This girl needs to be romanced – no matter what the stars say!
Is anyone else obsessed with the state of Justin’s floppy hair? Justin rents an airstream trailer to “fit in” at a food truck festival. Except the food trucks are indoors and Justin is outdoors watching all his brochures fly away in the wind. Watching him squatting on the ground chasing flyers should be funny, but it just strikes me as sad. Poor, poor Justin. No one visiting the food truck festival wants a lofted condo in addition to their pork belly tacos. Eventually a couple of brokers stop by. They think the loft’s price is too high so Justin invites them into the Airstream. Didn’t anyone tell these poor brokers not to get into Airstreams with strangers?
Roh is putting on an open house with a giant jar of fortune cookies. Now I want a cookie. Thanks a lot, Roh! Evidently potential buyers love fortune cookies too as the house quickly fills up. Roh is leading the herd like a tour guide, shouting out facts about the home. I am having flashbacks to the bootie party. Roh explains that the Marina area soil is not good for earthquakes – that the house will just sink and a new buyer probably would not be able to get earthquake insurance on the home. Yikes!
Side Bravo note: are you as excited as I am that Ladies of London is coming back? I’ll be practicing my fake posh British accent until the show premieres.
Andrew’s seller is having HIGH ANXIETY. Andrew is setting up an open house and already starting to drink. But during the middle of the open house the hot dog nanny returns with the Aneurysm inducing yapsters. The yapsters also try to tears off the arms of all the potential buyers as the dog nanny says “Oh they’re really friendly.” Andrew gives all the buyers dog treats to win over the pooches. One of the potential buyers wants the dog nanny to walk her – you and me both, sister!
Justin is showing the Airstream crowd the sassy loft. The master bedroom is big enough to have a couch in it. Color me hugely jealous. Justin has a giant bowl of Hershey’s Kisses. He asks a lady if she’d like a kiss- she says a very excited “yes” at the prospect of chocolate. (Girl after my own heart!) Justin leans in pretending he’s about to kiss her. Um yeah, you got zero game buddy! Justin says he needs an anxiety pill – so do I to handle watching you.
By the way, someone needs to teach the Million Dollar Listing San Francisco guys how to do social media and what the difference between favoriting and retweeting is … just sayin’.
Roh brings a full ask offer to his colleague. She is super excited but like most sellers she wants more money. Roh says this offer is a safe bet and his colleague seizes on it saying she doesn’t want to play safe. Roh thinks she is too emotionally attached to the home. He tells her she is making a mistake. Wake up, people!
In a shocking announcement, we learn that Justin has “a tie guy” – his tailor. Really, you have a guy to tie your ties? The producers ask if the guy ties Justin’s shoelaces too. He gives a shocked face but doesn’t say “no.”
Roh’s prospective buyers are unwilling to give more money than the full asking price (well duh) and so they lose that offer. There is a Groundhog’s Day montage of Roh doing tons of private showings. “Hi, I’m Roh. Hi, I’m Roh.” Then finally Roh shows up in a rainbow afro wig. Roh says its refreshing walking in to something different. I disagree when it comes to walking in to a bad blind date – but remember Venus is in retrograde!
Justin’s attractive blond client is not having any of Justin’s compliments because the offer he brings her is lower than the asking price. She scoffs that it is embarrassing and he is wasting her time. She also pooh-poohs his Airstream marketing. She tells Justin “to get out of the bus.” Justin’s voice screeches as he tries to defend the Airstream. Justin says it is pointless to get mad at him – oh I don’t think it is pointless, Justin – I am an equal opportunity hater! Justin tries to get the buyer to raise their price. He gets the price up but not to the asking price. The blond is flustered and not happy. She makes squinty eyes at Justin but I love the top she is wearing. Seller agrees to take the offer. $54,000 commission made!
Roh has done 90 private showings at his listing and finally, finally, finally gets another offer for his greedy seller. He gets 100K over the asking price, but the seller STILL is not satisfied. She wants 200K over the asking price. Come on, lady – you are a real estate agent yourself. Stop acting the fool! Roh tries to talk her out of her greed. And it works. Both his colleague and Roh make $70,000 commission each.
Back to Annoying Dog Central – Andrew’s seller tells him he is looking too thin so he orders him a gigantic burger and a glass of wine. Andrew says “Oh, so we’re eating our feelings.” Hey, come on – nothing wrong with that! Half of all my meals are to eat, eat, eat my feelings! Andrew brings an offer but a 21 day close. The seller has a FREAK OUT and says he couldn’t possibly move in 21 days. He needs at least 2 months and by the way he wants more money. Andrew looks like he is going to shove the giant burger in the seller’s face! The seller has a gorgeous Asian female friend. I don’t know how someone so neurotic has such an attractive friend! Hello San Francisco! Watching Andrew tell the buyer that he wants two months rent free and wants more money is a little queasy. He says that his seller is one of the most manic and he’s worried. Andrew tells the seller that the buyer walked, but just kidding! However he actually gets his seller 2 months rent free plus $65,000 over asking price. The neurotic seller does another half-shimmy dance. Get me out of here!
And with that another episode of Million Dollar Listing San Francisco comes to an end! What did you think of Episode Five? Is it better or worse than Million Dollar Listing New York, Los Angeles and Miami? Let me know your thoughts!
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on