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RECAP: Million Dollar Listing San Francisco “Fights in Bernal Heights” [Episode 4]

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It’s time for another episode with the well-dressed gents of Million Dollar Listing San Francisco.  In last week’s episode Roh Habibi, after much stalking was able to get a “Starchitect” named Stanley to attend a property open house.  Perhaps the potential buyers didn’t know how important Stanley is because Roh had not received any offers.  He knows he needs to kick it in high gear, which evidently means saying “Starchitect” twenty times a second.  If you are playing a drinking game for every time Roh says “Starchitect” you will most likely be dead from alcohol poisoning by the first commercial break.  (Drink responsibly!)

Justin – in a cosmic lizard green tie- meets with Alan, a “socialite, dentist to the stars.”  Justin says Alan also is his dentist.  Um Justin, are you a star?  He looks at a Pacific Heights property with an awesome roof deck and um, a view of Alcatraz.  Justin finds that the “old school decorating” is going to make it harder to sell.  Everyone wants MODERN.  Alan tells Justin that he’s underestimating the buyers and wants huge money for his Granny Palace.  Alan shows off his pictures of Ariana Huffington and a card from Prince Charles.  Doesn’t everyone have a signed from Prince Charles?  Come on, Alan!  Between Alan’s picnic tablecloth jacket and Justin’s cosmic lizard tie, I am starting to go blind.

Andrew, meanwhile is trying to unload the Bernal Heights property.  The house is awesome but it is in a “transitional neighborhood” – a.k.a. crappy houses.  Andrew empties his entire Rolodex and invites everyone he knows to see the house.  And by everyone, he means even Roh. Receiving a phone call from Andrew, Roh starts to gloat as the last time he talked with Andrew it was not pretty.  But Roh sees dollar signs and so agrees to bring some clients to check out the property.

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Andrew decides to show the Bernal Heights property at night so the prospective buyers won’t have a good view of the crappy neighboring houses.  Smart move!  Roh thinks Andrew’s presentation style is very low energy.  But Roh’s buyers are loving the house.  They keep oohing and aahing over everything.  Did Roh not teach his buyers to be subtle?  Don’t show your hand to the seller’s agent!  Roh tries to downplay the buyers’ enthusiasm which only makes his buyers’ excitedly express their love of the property even more!  I wonder if Roh smacked them in the head after they left?

Justin’s seller Alan does not want his property listed on the MLS (pocket listing), so Justin brings in a couple, their child and dog into the property to show it.  The kid decides the throw rug needs to be watered with his juice box.  The dog decides she needs to sleep on the white duvet cover master bedroom.  Seriously, why would you allow a dog in the $4 million dollar open house?  Isn’t that real estate 101?  The prospective buyers for this listing said the seller must be smoking crack on the price.  They evidently know better than Roh’s clients how to handle real estate negotiation!

Andrew and Roh meet to negotiate price on the Bernal Heights property.  Andrew says he’s going to treat Roh like a $3 hooker.  Three dollars, really?  Andrew is master gloater and keeps rubbing Roh’s face in it.  But he has to admit that he has no other offers on the table currently.  Andrew pushes the price above asking price, but Roh’s clients actually authorized more money.  Roh says he’ll go with $1.9 million, receiving his web domain name back and having Andrew pay for lunch.  Deal done!

Justin has a tech buyer-laden party and Andrew crashes the party.  He gloats that he sold the Bernal Heights property for $1.9 million when Justin said the property was worse $1.5 – $1.6 million maximum.  Justin thinks Roh is an idiot for letting his clients pay $1.9 million.  Andrew tries to get Justin to admit he is wrong.  Justin is not going to do it.

Roh – in a snazzy pea coat style jacket and a baby carrier – is making copies while he is watching his daughter.  Roh said no one can say “no” to him while his adorable daughter is with him.  He might be on to something with this marketing plan!  His daughter wears a cute floral headband.  Roh needs a matching one.

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I love a good Bravo TV crossover, so when Kathy Hilton (a.k.a. sister of Kyle and Kim Richards of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame and mother of Nicky and Paris) shows up on my screen; I do a Happy Snoopy Dance. Kathy is in town to have brunch with Alan – and by extended invitation, Justin.  I can only hope she throws her drink in Justin’s face, Real Housewives-style.  Unfortunately Kathy doesn’t make Justin’s job easier.  She thinks the overpriced listing is a steal and should continue to be a pocket listing.  She announces that she loves everything that the prospective buyers have been complaining about.  Calm down, Kathy!  Justin looks like he is about to vomit.

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There is a montage of Roh doing every buzz word tag line he can think of – just how many Red Bulls did he drink before this segment? 

Justin brings Alan a $3.7 million best and final offer on his $4 million overpriced dated Granny apartment. Alan turns it down.  Justin feels bad that Alan didn’t even appreciate the offer.  Justin says he needs to be able to put it on the MLS.  Alan paid $800k for this property 20 years prior.  And then in a stunning revelation, Alan says he doesn’t want the property on the MLS because he doesn’t want his friends to know he is working with Justin as his agent.  OOOH BURN!  Evidently Alan doesn’t want Prince Charles to know he is “slumming it” with Justin.  Alan tells Justin he is well-connected, “so start connecting!”  Oh Alan, can I get that slogan in needlepoint on a pillow?

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Andrew’s fiancé asks for one night where they don’t discuss work. Instead he suggests that they should discuss their wedding plans.  The fiancé says that the marriage will totally change their lives.  Is he trying to give Andrew cold feet?  Or is he looking for an opportunity to sow a few more wild oats?  He says because Andrew used to date women, maybe he should try too.  What?  Evidently someone wants to remove his gold star gay status before the wedding.  He says he is 100% gay but wants to try sex with a woman.  He sees it like skydiving – something to try once.  I’m going to hang a “Try Skydiving” sign on my bedroom door.

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Justin keeps pushing Alan to post the listing on the MLS.  Alan says “no” and so Justin says he can no longer represent the listing (loss of a $120,000 commission.)  Alan says Justin has just walked out on a $4 million dollar sale.  But Justin is sticking to his guns.

Roh does dinner with the seller of the “Starchitect” property.  He doesn’t think Roh’s prospective buyer is serious and does not want to give a counter offer.  The buyers’ agent is not happy that the seller won’t counter and so she says her clients won’t increase their offer.  Roh looks queasy but he’s up for the challenge.  He starts pushing as he paces.  The buyers’ agent goes for it and increases the offer but it is still under the listing price.  The seller wants more money.  (Don’t they all?)  The seller’s agent offers $2,599,000 instead of $2.6 million.  Talk about needing to feel like a winner.  The seller agrees.  Deal done.  Property sold.  Good job, Roh!

See you next week!    

 

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