“The Real Housewives of Orange County” begins at the Edmonds home, where Meghan and Hayley are pulling together a game night. Meghan is hoping to spark some laughs, but Hayley thinks other any other plan will be infinitely more hilarious. Meghan is concerned about Hayley’s slacking, and decides to switch up her crack parenting, and force the brat to grocery shop once in awhile. Meghan continues to flail around, setting scattered boundaries, but is trying to get on the right track, by adding structure to the teen’s life. Hayley responds with a “yeah right” eye roll, and a promise to maybe listen to her father, during the next random time he shows up.
Heather and Terry are midday shopping as a “date,” which really means Terry flopping in a chair with his phone, and indulging Heather in some ostentatious retail therapy. Good things cost money, and boob jobs pay the bills, so Heather can rake in the pretentious goods. We enjoy a flashback of Jim Bellino’s decorating taste, which spells laughable tacky to the Dubrows. The couple giggles it up with the salesman, for suggesting such gauche purchasing nonsense.
Meghan calls Heather and gushes over her rainbow game night decor, while they squeal and bond over being dateless, to workaholic moneybags. Meghan is annoyed that her husband is never around, and wishes that he were there to be her Parcheesi partner. The game night hosts arrive to start the festivities, as the guests trickle in. Shannon treads in nervously, and perks up immediately to see that tons of booze is available. Lizzie and Shannon titter about Jimmy being out of town for the event, but decide not to pry.
Brooks and Vicki arrive, and Vicki pulls out her most obnoxious snoring shtick. It is beyond rude. The Newlywed Game is first on the agenda, where we learn that everyone needs body part repairs, except for perfect Eddie, who flexes, and agrees. He and Tamra are getting along swell, now that they have decided to spend quality time together, just like Meghan and Jimmy. David and Shannon’s answers don’t match up, and Shannon needs another giant vodka, to avoid disintegrating into a heap. They bicker about being big, fat counseled failures, and Shannon almost bursts into tears. Vicki keeps the tacky rudeness going by whining that she wants to go home and pass out.
Meghan shares that she is about to join the Botox Club, and Shannon disapproves. Meghan labels Shannon’s eyes as “judgey,” because revealing her irises in such a way is simply out of line. Tamra corrects her, informing her that Shannon really has cray-mona eyes. Shannon just wishes that Meghan would cut out the poking.
We sit in on David and Shannon’s painful counseling session, where the counselor tries to divert Shannon from the affair, to healing her heart. David doesn’t want to talk about it, and Shannon just wants the pain to stop. Shannon believes that David needs to work through his shame, and improve his Newlywed Game skills, while he’s at it. David looks barely interested, and hardly shameful.
Tamra is packing for the trip, where we learn that Eddie is on daddy duty. She is worried that stroking his muscles may distract him from his tasks, and get her in trouble with Simon. Over at the Dubrow’s, Heather is giving us a packing tutorial, and we all learn how to use tissue paper to wrap our $400 shirts, so we can all pretend to shop when we unpack. Shannon is packing her anti-anguish meds, which I think David should start slipping into her vodka. Tamra needs packing advice, and calls Vicki for vacation wardrobe options.
Vicki comments that g-string bathing suits are a must, which frightens me for the upcoming beach scenes. They gossip about Jimmy and Meghan, while we watch Meghan pack and chat with her invisible husband. Meghan and Jimmy half-heartedly commit to a reconnecting via a lunch date, when they are reunited. Jimmy offers to swap vacation destinations, and stay apart in a fresh, new way.
The women gather at the airport, where Heather shocks with a scandalously conservative, weird top. The load of luggage is predictably ridiculous. Meghan laments that she barely knows who her husband is, as they get ready to board.
They arrive in Tahiti, to ukulele playing natives, and Vicki is delighted at the darling mini banjos. Shannon hacks up all over the party, by complaining about a nasty cough. They arrive at the hotel, where Vicki wants to whoop up something other than phlegm. Shannon passes, and turns in early to get a jump on her first round of anguish preventing antibiotics.
The rest of the women hit the bar, as we relive the too good to be true promise Tamra made last year in Bali, vowing to hide her face forever. Tamra just wants her face to have fun, but Lizzie thinks that she may be pregnant, which would definitely thwart her boozy woo-hoos. Vicki just wants her to get on with it, and pee on the damn stick. Jim and Meghan’s marriage is endlessly discussed, with Vicki determining that Jim’s decision to ship Meghan away to California, was indeed a savvy one.
Shannon is coughing up a lung in bed, while the women stick up for their anxious pal to Meghan. The next morning, Vicki blabs to Shannon that she was being gossiped about, as they head out to shop before leaving for Moorea. Meghan is sporting a gaudy head wrap straight from Claire’s Sunset Boulevard Collection.
Tamra is having stomach issues, and as the condition is grossly discussed, Tamra stays clenched in the back seat, waiting for a pit stop. Tamra scampers into a jewelry store as the women follow, to gawk at the pricey, black pearls. Heather tries on a necklace worth $49k, but because it is diamondless, it’s a no-go. The women agree that is is wise to discuss big ticket items with their husbands, and Vicki pounces on Meghan for having the audacity to utter a syllable on the subject, because she does not earn an outside income.
Shannon chimes in, offering the classic, hard working mom-at-home defense.Vicki agrees that the mom-job is indeed important, but sparks almost fly from the lightning-fast fingers she is rubbing together, to illustrate her point. Vicki is kinda manly, and thinks that overspending is obnoxious., and disrespectful. Unfortunately, you can’t buy your own gaudy jewelry, with “important”, but at least you can freely eat bon bons, anytime you feel like it! GO MOMS!
The women toast to boarding the ferry, and they decide to share their most embarrassing moments. Meghan shares that she worked so hard one time, she blew period fluid all over her work space. Vicki thinks that she was nuts to quit working to go get a tampon, and Meghan believes that she is being judged, for cashing in on being ignored.
LeAnn Huntley Edmonds-Horton is sadly remembered at the end of the episode, and she was indeed, a stunner. It’s Moorea next week…see you there!