Hello All About The Tea Readers! It is time for episode 3 of “Million Dollar Listing San Francisco!” We start with Justin Fichelson – the hair gelled neurotic – inviting his Pub Crawl potential clients to look at the newly finished new development. Justin had persuaded his client not to sell the property during the remodel and instead wait until the property was finished to get a higher price. But all of Justin’s prospective clients are shopping for bargains and pitching him prices that the seller was getting before the remodel was completed. Whoops!
There is also an awkward montage where Justin must have taken truth serum. He could NOT talk up the tiny backyard. He had verbal diarrhea and at one point said he was not implying that he had a small weiner. Um no penis in real estate, Justin! Stop talking!
Andrew – our Floridian Fredrik Eklund – wants in on swank Developer Anders’ property listing. The place is BEYOND gorgeous but the neighborhood is beyond blah, blah, blah.
Meanwhile Roh – the real estate agent that inspires my Scooby Doo Tourette’s – (RUH_ROH!) – is eyeing a stylish listing but it is in a horseshoe shape with a family-unfriendly floor plan. It’s like most of my dates – may be gorgeous but zero function. Roh says that the best way to sell this property is to showcase the architect – the “Starchitect” himself at an open house. Bravo TV needs to release a dictionary for all these terms. Who knew that there were starchitects? Can I just put the word “star” in front of my job? “Starcouch potato.” Yeah, doesn’t have the same ring.
The Starchitect is NOT buying what Roh is trying to sell, so Roh goes into stalker mode. He sits in his car waiting for the architect. Montage of Roh praying in his car, eating in his car … we get it Roh, you’re the Glenn Close of #MDLSF. Let’s hope this Starchitect doesn’t have a pet rabbit. Roh had already sent out invites saying the Starchitect would be there. This is like my last birthday party where I put on the invite that “special guest star RuPaul” would be making an appearance. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch and appear at your party in a big wig and bigger heels.
Back to Andrew and his open house at his diamond in the rough. It’s a whole lot of nothing because apparently no one wants to drive to the other side of the mountain. By the way I am now singing Sound of Music songs now. Climb every mountain, Andrew!
Justin – in his crazy awkward way – manages to save the day again. His hair gel curls inspired a bidding war. He brought an all cash offer over asking price but there’s some steep driveway mania that it is going to cause a multiple month delay. Justin thinks his buyer will back out.
Andrew finally has some showing guests actually show up. He declares: “Papa likes positive – we’re on a roll!” It sounds like this could be a catchphrase on Bravo TV merch, but something is missing. Gotta up your A-game, Andrew!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – all of Justin’s jackets look like they were made from someone’s couch. Stay away from my sofa, Justin! Justin tells his prospective buyer that they should go on vacation and when they are back, the house will be done. A three month vacation? Someone tell my employer about these three month vacations because I don’t get any of those. Justin’s sweet talking works and the buyer agrees to wait. Justin declares “let’s get a bottle of rose” – probably the lamest line I have heard on Bravo.
UNTIL Andrew says: “I want kittens and rainbows.” Honey please, you are NOT going to get a killer catchphrase with this type of material.
Ruh-Roh goes from the prior week’s bootie party to a traditional Afghan party for his family to introduce his infant daughter. Luckily I have learned Farsi by watching “Shahs of Sunset,” so I am basically a multi-cultural ambassador. By the way, the Afghan food looks incredible. Invite me over, Roh!
Evidently all the positive energy and Roh’s “Law of Attraction” principles worked. The Starchitect agrees to show up at his party. Once again Roh puts in writing a prediction for the future and it happens! Roh, please send out a letter saying I will win the lottery!
Andrew decides to board a tech shuttle to meet prospective buyers, but instead ruins his Italian loafers instead. I shed one lone tear. A producer asks Andrew if this listing is cursed. Andrew wastes three hours waiting on a street corner. I would make a prostitution joke, but I am a lady!
It’s time for the Starchitect Party. We see Roh’s partner Joel Goodrich who – like Roh – favorites all my #MDLSF tweets, so basically that means we are personal BFFs. All party invitees are asking the question: “Where is Stanley? (The Starchitect)” Roh says he is going to be the laughingstock of San Francisco if Stanley doesn’t show up. Ruh-Roh!
Andrew admits he’s dated both women and men. He had a girlfriend for four years that he says is forty years in gay world. No Gold Star for Andrew’s gayness.
If you were dying from the anticipation of will Stanley or won’t Stanley show up at the party – your relief is here. An understated non-descript man in tiny little glasses arrives and saves the day. Evidently Stanley is the Brad Pitt of the architecture world. But between you and me, I just don’t get it! Roh apologizes for stalking him. Tell that to Stanley’s rabbit, Roh! Roh and Joel high five.
Justin asks Andrew out to drinks. Andrew had purchased JustinFichelson.com and RohHabibi.com. (Yes, creepy.) Andrew says what kind of idiot doesn’t buy his own domain name. (Um this kind of idiot writing this episode recap.) Andrew says he will give the name back if Justin brings his tech buyers. I think Andrew should have asked for more – like all of Justin’s hair gel. Justin says that Roh blocked him from his Instagram. Andrew said he was blocked too – and wondered if he did it during recess! Don’t worry Andrew and Justin, you can follow me on Instagram.
Andrew watches as a parade of elusive tech shuttles drive by him. Didn’t his mother tell him that a watched pot never boils? Evidently when you want a tech shuttle it never comes. They only arrive when you don’t want them.
Justin’s promise of bringing tech buyers seems to be waining when he is late. Hey, so did I in college. I think Andrew is going to sell the domain name JustinFichelson.com to a porn site. He is NOT happy, but finally Justin arrives but solo. No tech buyers with him. Andrew looks pissy.
By the way, are you as happy as I am that “Below Deck” is coming back to Bravo?
Justin scolds Andrew for not having more people at the Open House to generate buzz. Andrew looks like he’s going to rip Justin’s overly gelled haired head off and punt it into the next state. He says his tech buyers wouldn’t be interested in a house “on the other side of the tracks.” Justin doesn’t appreciate that the neighbors have chickens and sheets for drapes. Geez, someone is snooty. Andrew is definitely going to be selling Justin’s domain name.
Andrew and Justin have a “who’s balls are bigger?” snark contest. Justin says Andrew is being douche-y because Andrew won’t give the domain name back. But come on, he didn’t bring in one tech buyer like he promised – so really who is the douche?
In the season teaser for the rest of the episodes, it looks like a lot of people are fighting for the role of “head douche.”
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on