“The Real Housewives of Orange County” kicks off with Shannon hitting the gym, because she has packed on 15 pounds, mostly in her consistently clenched gut. She expresses confused shock at the notion that a diet of vodka and cranberry, along with an occasional 20 minute stroll just isn’t doing the trick. Bravo forces us into a much too close shot of a pretty normal female midsection, problematically attached to an abnormal, anxious, hot mess of a head.
Her trainer puts her through a “brutal” workout, that brings back memories of leg warmers and Jane Fonda. Shannon describes the experience as pure hell, but doesn’t seem to break a sweat. She is cool with airing her jiggly belly blubber, but doesn’t remove her clumpy false eyelashes for the workout, evidently drawing the line at exposing her naked, out of shape lashes to America. She flops around like a flounder when the trainer squishes some sensitive chi flesh, and is accused of being clogged with unrevealed emotional sludge. Of course, we all know that this is just another name for haunting visuals of David romping with his side piece.
Over at Cut Fitness, Eddie and Tamra are filming a video spot to boost business. We hear of the difficulties of being married to your business partner, as the couple snipes at each other, during the awkward filming ordeal. Tamra is extremely annoyed that Eddie’s muscles have shoved her aside like a random employee, and turned him into a hulking a**hole, to boot.
We hop over to Vicki’s, where she is preparing for a seance, in order to bring peace to she and her brother, following their mother’s death. Shannon and Tamra are there for support, and the medium arrives to answer some questions from the great beyond. He supposedly connects with their mother immediately, and tells them everything they want to hear, as well as some bonus gossip, from the hereafter. Vicki’s mom gives the thumbs up on Brooks, a tattoo of something vaguely appealing, and colon cleanses. Tamra doesn’t believe it, Brooks has the giggles, and Shannon has the perfect colon cleansing pro recommendation, on speed dial.
Over at the Edmonds’, Hayley and her super cool stepmom, Meghan, are struggling to have a conversation about personal discipline. Hayley is being educated via independent study, and Meghan is always there to lend a trendy hand. We flash back to a brain numbing convo between the two, discussing the fact that Hayley is so independent, she barely has to check in for tests, or do any schoolwork. Hayley smirks, clearly more deviously clever than than her groovy mother figure. Meghan flips her a hundred spot for her weekly allowance, reminding her that cash means serious responsibility, like showing up at school once in awhile, and putting away her cereal bowl. Meghan advises her to save the cash, because not eating McDonalds daily is a real job, and taking the risk that comes from eating her cooking could earn her a designer bag. Parenting is so hard to grasp when you don’t have a clue!
We hop over to Shannon and David
drinking eating a Valentine’s Day dinner, and David forks over a guilt gift to make up for the one he gave his secret ladylove last year. David appears stiff and detached. It is a scary dragon bracelet, and Shannon becomes weepy at the idea of putting it on her wrist, and probably wonders if David even likes her anymore. Shannon tells us that she is so happy, but continues to anxiously blather on, in the same old hussy humping stream of consciousness.
Tamra and Heather meet up to walk stairs, and yak about nothing. They banter about the gym, and Tamra is obviously miserable, playing second fiddle to a barbell all day. We hear of ANOTHER Dubrow product push, this time, a skin care line. The duo commiserates about their busy, MONEY MAKING husbands, and I would much rather watch the waves in the background.
Later on, the women all show up at a snazzy bowling alley to distract Vicki from her grief, and to have fun. Vicki, Meghan, and Shannon decide to slum it in bowling shoes, while the others stubbornly insist on stinking up the lanes in heels. Tamra asks if she can use her famously stellar people skills to influence Briana to despise Brooks less, but Vicki is doubtful that it will work. She believes that a dose of blasted bar dancing in Vegas will be the more effective strategy, and Tamra agrees, siting that as her Plan B, as well. Vicki blanks out for a minute, and volunteers her deceased mother as a babysitter, then crumples when she remembers that her mom is gone. The women swarm around her, as Vicki informs us that she is astutely coping with the loss by just pretending that her mom is still alive.
Meghan sensitively chimes in, expressing annoyance that this blubbering nut job actually beat her bowling score. Vicki spills that Brooks’ condition doesn’t seem to be improving, and Dr. Shannon Beador steps in to angrily, to save the day. Too much juicy sugar, and not enough protein means the cancer wins, and Dr. Shannon is simply infuriated. Vicki looks scared, and uninterested in her biggest wreck of a friend’s opinion.
On the way to the restaurant, Meghan spills far too much info, informing us that Hayley is on birth control. After all, they live in the OC, not Appalachia, and Meghan is too young to be a granny. They meet up with Lizzy for a post bowling dinner. Heather controls the ordering, because she has assumed the position of chief almond counter, on the OC franchise. Shannon screeches obnoxiously about her plummeting looks, and Meghan extends a game night invitation. Yup, you heard it right….game night.
Vicki tosses out the traditional girls’ trip plan, hosted by Bravo, and all of the alcohol in Tahiti. On the way home, Vicki and Tamra chat about Brucelyn Jenner and final resting places, and Vicki’s puffy duck lips steal the spotlight. Tamra verbalizes a shot of visual horror, by requesting that her corpse be stuffed and displayed upon her demise, trouncing the first disturbing mental picture of Vicki and Briana, dancing drunk on a bar.
Meghan arrives home and discovers that Hayley has blown off her schoolwork, and I actually have a moment of sympathy for her, because she is so pathetically ill-equipped.
Back at Cut Fitness, Tamra and Eddie discuss booty exercises, and the painful video shoot. They decide that working together blows, and Tamra should beat it, and go back to posing as a real estate agent. Sounds like a plan…and just in time to take off for Tahiti next week!