It’s episode two of Season 1 of the new Bravo TV show “Million Dollar Listing: San Francisco,” time to join real estate agents Andrew, Justin and Roh as they try to conquer the Bay Area real estate market. I continue to shout in a Scooby Doo voice “Ruh-Roh!” every time Roh Habibi comes on screen. Evidently my Scooby Doo Tourette’s is going to last me all season.
Hair Gel Aficionado Justin is meeting with Kevin the Developer to try to gain a new development listing. We learn that Justin doesn’t like dirty construction sites and wearing helmets that other people have worn. Developer Kevin wants to try to sell the new development listing before it is finished because he doesn’t want to pay to stage the house. Justin convinces him that paying $25,000 to stage the house will bring $250,000 more. He says the house is currently in “Lindsay Lohan Mode.” Evidently that’s enough to get Kevin to agree with Justin’s plan.
(Ruh)-Roh’s more experienced business partner Joel scolds Roh for his “bootie dance party” for young techies in trying to sell an old school property in St. Francis Wood. Roh said he thought Joel would appreciate his outside of the box marketing strategy. However because it failed to generate any offers, Joel does not appreciate Roh trying to court a different demographic for the old guard, established neighborhood house. Joel tells Roh he needs to figure it out and get it done. I am stealing that line for my employees. “Stop your break dancing and just get it done!”
Andrew’s co-listing partner Squirrelly Anton had informed Andrew that the sellers were pulling out of their deal because they were too emotionally attached to the property. Anton told Andrew not to contact the sellers. Andrew, with a smile a mile long, tells Anton that not only did he contact the sellers but he got them back into the deal. Anton is pissy. Andrew asks for a bigger cut of the commission. Anton is even more pissy. Andrew finally agrees to their original 50-50 split but says he is the only one who will be talking with the sellers. In his confessional, Andrew says he “f**ks you over with a smile.”
Justin has a new assistant named Pierre. He says his goal is to get to where Justin is and then surpass him. Pierre is holding some sort of pillow made from Muppet fur or perhaps a dead stuffed dog … Justin refers to Pierre as eccentric but thinks brain-storming with Pierre is a great idea. Oh Justin. The two great minds decide that Justin should do a neighborhood crawl to inspire more interest in the hot neighborhood of The Mission. Pierre takes his dead dog/muppet fur pillow and goes back to work.
Roh pays $15,000 out of his own pocket to stage the St. Francis Wood house. Roh did not have the room with the blood red carpet staged. I think he missed an opportunity to showcase that room as an S&M dungeon. 50 Shades of Million Dollar Listing San Francisco! Roh shows the home to a more older buyer demographic. We learn that Roh doesn’t know the correct definition of the word matriculate, but he inspires his seller to Riverdance. That’s a first for Million Dollar Listing!
Andrew and Squirrelly Anton didn’t consult each other’s schedules and they both schedule a showing of the Alamo house at the same time. Andrew’s prospective buyers are a family, whereas Anton is trying to talk up the listing as a sex pad for his potential buyer. Anton says the master bathroom is a “f**k bathroom” in front of Andrew’s client’s teenage daughter. Anton is moving from being Squirrelly to Douchey. Andrew and Anton squabble some more. Uncomfortable!
Roh balances bottle training his infant daughter while trying to get anyone interested in his $6+ million listing in St. Francis Wood.
Justin and Pierre – minus his Muppet fur pillow – do some “Odd Couple” antics and then their neighborhood social crawl thing begins. Justin carries a flag on a pole like a real estate tour guide. Again he looks like he’s wearing a jacket that used to belong as couch upholstery. We learn that supposedly the first burrito in America was made in The Mission. I now want a burrito. One of Justin’s attractive clients who looks out of his league makes a very pointed pass at him, but he says he doesn’t date clients.
Andrew says he will NOT let Anton beat him – he is determined to sell the Alamo house. He gets a full price cash offer. He goes to the cold feet sellers with the good news. But true to form, the sellers back out once again! They say they will give Andrew the listing on two other houses, so Andrew cheers up. Then he finds out that the sellers want Andrew to work with Anton – waah waaah!
Justin has an extended discussion with the producers on whether he should change his name because no one can pronounce “Justin Fichelson.” The producers call him “Justin F**keelson.” I suspect there are hours and hours of film of Bravo producers making fun of Justin.
Roh excitedly brings his seller’s rep an offer of $6 million on the $6.5 million listing house. The seller’s rep is pissed and pulls out some comically large child’s toy mirror and starts primping at the table to ice out Roh. I need to pull that move on my next date! The seller’s rep schools Roh in a particularly pissy manner. (Ruh)-Roh, indeed!
Justin brings Developer Kevin an offer below the listing price. Kevin wants to take it, but Justin convinces him to turn it down and wait until the new construction is completed. Once again we hope Justin can make good on his non-contractually binding promises to his clients!
Once again Roh meets with his seller’s rep, Brenda. I wonder what child’s toy she will be pulling out of her purse this time! Roh says he has an offer of $6.2 million on the $6.5 million house. She is still not happy and says Roh is too young to sell this property. She demands that Roh asks the buyer for more money even though the buyer had put in a “best and final offer.” Brenda doesn’t care about best and final, she wants $100k more. Roh calls the buyer’s agent as he thinks it will be easier to get more money from the buyer than to get Brenda to lower her asking price. More back and forth between the buyer agent and Roh, but Roh gets them to $6.3 million and Brenda looks elated. No child mirror coming out of her purse on this one! Roh makes $189,000 commission on the biggest deal he’s ever done. Way to go, Roh!
When SouthTampaLily grows up she wants to be a cult leader or Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest.” Until she finds some maturity, she spends copious amounts of time watching reality television and training her cats for the circus. Follow her on