“The Real Housewives of Orange County” begins with Heather, Tamra, and Meghan meeting for dinner, to babble about life in the OC. Meghan reminds us that her supercool stepmom way of communication is with hashtags (#growup), while grinning proudly. She continues to beat the overblown, milli-second of past flirting shared by she and David into the ground, trying to find a dramatic excuse for Shannon not warming to her, during a dreary phone call. Her husband Jim, reminds her that she needs to remember to drop her new married sports-hero name, if she really wants people to care about conversing with her. Tamra thinks that Meghan had better watch her step with touchy Shannon, and Heather comments that any beautiful woman who wants Terry can have him, as long as he leaves his wallet with her.
We hop over to Vicki’s place, where she is packing for Florida, preparing to receive an Oscar, for best dramatic performance as a leading insurance producer, in the category of contrived TV. Shannon is there to congratulate Vicki on the prestigious honor. Vicki doles out a motivating pep talk, wisely advising her pal to pound a few back, in order to deal with travel stress.
The girls gather to fly to Napa on a private jet, hired by Terry’s wallet, with Lizzie and Katie Hamilton along for the trip. Meghan has a true giddy moment, when she admits that a super luxurious trip is a dream come true for her, then she gives out cute, crafty champagne glasses as gifts, to all of the ladies. Katie comments that getting sloshed isn’t her thing, so don’t expect any “woo hoos!” from her. Tamra shares that she has begun to go to church, and is on a personal journey with the Lord, after some difficult struggles. Meghan is horrified at the idea of being present anyplace long enough to sing all of the verses to any song, so church is definitely a no-go. Will we actually see a positive shift in Tamra this season? If so, in the words of Melissa Gorga…”THANK YOU Jesus!”
They arrive, and board the predictable party bus, as Heather meets up with her wine partners, the Bellos, to extend this ceaseless Bravo product push. They discuss the upcoming launch party, Heather micro-manages the planners, and the whole scene is a giant snooze. The other women arrive at the fancy hotel, and are shown to their cute rooms.
The never-ending ‘Colette’ banter continues, when Heather informs us that while she is not counting on the new product revenue to pay for her kids’ college careers, she will be ecstatically satisfied if she can just chug it wherever she goes. The group gathers to be transported to the big event, and we hear David and Shannon bickering in their golf cart, cruising past the gum-chomping cast cluster. Shannon explains that David is probably tipsy on sake and peeved about traffic, which adds up to a crap-load of “negative thoughts.” A painful pattern has reared it’s inebriated head, so no surprise there. Shannon flips the women an excuse for keeping them waiting, and gifts Tamra with an empty pill packet, meant to serve as a warm peace offering from one drinker to another.
The group arrives at the event, and they all enjoy the celebrated bubbly of the evening. Shannon begins to pant for the hard stuff, and hounds David mercilessly, as he runs in circles, to keep her tanked and happy. Heather sabers a bottle, while Tamra inspects her restored adult film star cup-size in a nearby mirror. The camera rests on the Bello couple so often, I am beginning to wonder if they are pushing Bravo for a spinoff show. Tamra and Heather call Vicki to ”woo-hoo” long distance, and we are forced to gawk at Tamra’s tags-still-on cleavage, in various close-up shots. Terry and Heather yak obnoxiously about their mansion resort, and toast to the cutest member of their family, Terry’s wallet.
Things finally get interesting, when Meghan approaches Shannon about the almost wink she and Shannon’s hubby shared at the DuBrow hoedown last year, which was easily the stupidest event of the season. Shannon explains that the morning of that party was a rough one, because David was revealing himself as a reinvented Rico Suave, and she did not appreciate it.
We skip over to Heather, rambling through a speech, toasting their extra mean youngest child, and the bubbly she inspired. Cheers! The women pose for an Instagram pic, and the snooze-fest is finally and mercifully over.
The couples stumble into their hotel rooms, and Shannon continues to drivel on annoyingly about her every thought and negative twitch. David hangs tough, and tries to pacify her never-ending anxious whining.
The group meets for breakfast, and hits the road. It’s a lovely day for a wine tasting, as the group heads out for a vineyard tour, and tasting. Vineyard owner and host, smooth talking Jean-Charles, leads the group proudly through his raunch inspired winery. Tamra reminds us all of her episode appropriate raunchy nature, by loudly insisting on sucking wine from the tasting tube. The gross spectacle, along with Tamra’s crass dialogue, delights dreamy JC, and likely the Bravo sound engineers, who clearly enjoyed busting out their low-budget porn music tracks. Meghan awkwardly tries too hard to join in with who she thinks the “cool kid” is, and her husband appears less than amused at the high school display. The whole scene is icky and uncomfortable, with Tamra and Meghan proclaiming their mutual trashy adoration for each other. The love affair will probably last 3 episodes, at best.
The couples are getting ready for dinner, and Heather ups her forced showmanship by giving us a tap dance. Will someone PLEASE hire this broad already? The dinner is at…you guessed it…the Bello’s home, so we can enjoy the spotlighted couple until the last possible moment. Meghan annoyingly pushes Shannon, snagging some extra camera time, and challenges her about that charity phone call that most viewers had already forgotten about. She revives the long forgotten hoedown moment AGAIN, officially coming across as obnoxiously repetitive, and attention-hungry. Meghan complains that the supposed phone snub offended her, and Shannon responds by commenting that “Meghan King” sounds like a hick Missouri saleswoman, and not even an Oscar worthy one.
Shannon tries to clarify that it was just a misunderstanding, and not to mention, strange women callers give her the heebie-jeebies. Shannon flounces off in a huff, Meghan proclaims Shannon a time bomb, and voila!…a spanking new Season 10 cast feud is born.
A rookie has found her plot purpose…and wide-eyed, contrived shock is shared by all. Come back next week, as the commercial finally ends, and the drama rolls on in the OC!