They’re baaaack! We are back with “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” and we begin by catching up with the DuBrow family. They are slumming it in a super cute rental property, while their ginormous palace is being built. Humble Heather is just fine with the adorably crappy shack, but Terry isn’t as thrilled with their current digs. We visit the monstrous mansion that is half built, which resembles a luxury, multi level resort. Heather can’t bear to go without her $7k hair washing sink, and her football field sized closet, but has proudly stayed close to a budget that reflects a pretty obnoxious flaunting of mega-wealth.
As I try to shake off my utter disgust, we join Vicki and Shannon for the first dramatic meal of the season. Vicki has a cute new hairdo and viva Las Vegas earrings, and Shannon is already bugging me with her prissy diet theories. We learn that Vicki’s generally icky boyfriend Brooks has moved in, and their live-in relationship is working great, because if they break up, he will barely make it out with his toothbrush. Brianna is predictably peeved, due to the fact that she believes that Brooks is still pretty gross.
We jump over to check in with Tamra and Eddie, who are cleavage deep in discussion about Tamra’s boob placement. Wasn’t that Tamra’s storyline last season too? She just can’t make a decision about her dream figure, and although she is probably the only one who cares, she obviously loses sleep over her ever changing cup size. She happily takes a phone call from her son Ryan’s Insta-squeeze baby mama. Sarah has morphed into Tamra’s bestie, probably because she is going to give her a new baby head to smell, then give back. Tamra is working hard to not behave impulsively bitchy, and it is quite the struggle, because it is simply not in her nature to be kind and honest.
We are reminded of Tamra’s custody battle with her ex and her everyday battles with her friends, as we watch her dramatically awaken from her seasonal implant surgery. She feels alone, due to the fact that all of her friends have already taken their shifts as breast alteration recovery visitors. She knows that things have to change…here’s hoping that it will be something more substantial than the contents of her underwear drawer.
Heather is meeting up with the rookie housewife, Meghan Edmonds, who is married to superstar baseball player, Jimmy Edmonds. Meghan is introduced as Jimmy’s THIRD wife, and we are reminded that the couple were guests at that annoying groundbreaking hoedown party, thrown by the Dubrow’s last season. Meghan became #3 against her better judgement, and does want her own children, although her husband has been snipped. Terry arrives and speaks proudly about never really touching his unsterilized children.
We jump over to Brooks and Vicki at home, where we learn that Brooks has been diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. Brooks is undergoing chemo cycles, but Brianna doesn’t believe that he is really sick. The couple is heading to Mexico, and Vicki hopes that the vacation will thwart depression, and inspire Brooks to fight the disease. To me, Brooks looks exactly as he did last season.
Over at the Edmonds’ house, Meghan complains about the couples’ endless relocations, and all of the jumping from houses to condos to mansions. Jim genuinely knows Meghan’s soul, proving for sure that the third time’s the charm. Meghan used to make bank, but now has to hang out with step kids who steal her clothes, in order to stay a #coolstepmom. They moved back to the OC for Jim’s daughter to be close to her ill mother, and their extra hip love is singlehandedly redefining the meaning of family. How old is this chick again?
We join David and Shannon, packing for a couple’s retreat weekend, and we hear the news that their marriage has nose-dived. Shannon hangs crystals from the ceiling, grasping at positive marriage energy straws, as they prepare to leave. The couple arrives, and attends a group therapy session, which reveals a severely fractured couple. We hear the shocking news that David was busted having an affair, and Shannon is clearly heartbroken. Shannon does not want to divorce, and we watch the various partners spill about their pasts. David admits that the affair caused devastation, but appears detached. I feel for Shannon, who seems to be genuinely crushed, and pathetically beaten down.
A gross filler scene is shown, where Heather is coyly responding to her builder’s hand slapping over insisting on 14 pricey bathrooms. Heather is simply basking as he bats her owl eyes, dreaming of her future queenship over her very own luxury kingdom.
Vicki and Brooks head out to Mexico, to spend lots of cash and forget about cancer. Tamra eats crow for criticizing Vicki, as she blasts to anyone who will listen that she is having a baby. It is time for Tamra’s, I mean Sarah’s baby shower, as the Judges open their gym for the occasion. The catchy theme of the party is shabby chic, with a hint of country hick. That feel-good, stoner-like housewife, Lynn Curtain makes a rare appearance, bringing back a blast from the past. Lynn is divorced, a new grandma, abstinent, and probably broke. They banter about that crazy Vicki Instagramming boob shots, as an intro to being clued in that Tamra and Vicki are not in a good place. They both want to be friends, but evidently their boobs just can’t along.
The show wraps with Shannon and David in a painful therapy exercise, that I actually felt embarrassed watching. The kids know about the affair, and all of this just feels too personal for tacky Bravo TV. This is TOO MUCH reality, if you ask me.
Do you think that the Beador marriage will survive? Here’s hoping for a lighter week two!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.